My daughter wants to marry a loser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just encourage her not to get pregnant with this guy's child. That will tie her forever to him. Keep up her health insurance coverage.

What do you mean by that? Once the child is 18 and out of the house, the ex is in the background big time.

Yes, but first of all, 18 years is a long damn time to be yoked to a loser, and "in the background big time" still doesn't = gone. They will still have to interact when it comes to paying for college, graduations, etc. Oh, and if THEIR kid expects THEM to pay for their ill advised wedding, they'll have to deal with that together too!

[Anonymous]

Not sure what is worse, being yoked to the loser or an uninvolved loser. Either way, the hypothetical child loses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what is worse, being yoked to the loser or an uninvolved loser. Either way, the hypothetical child loses.

So true!

[Anonymous]

Kpursel1 wrote:My daughter is 24 and in a relationship one year. He is 29 has no job, no education, 5 yrs in Iraq in the Marines, lives with his parents on a leased ranch, divorced with a 9yrs old daughter. My daughter wants to marry him 5/18/13 and we are
suppose to pay for the wedding. She says she will marry him no matter what, but I ask her what the hurry is? I asked her to live with him at least a year before they talk marriage, she lives out of town and works as a server in a resturant
but at least she has had a job for 5yrs. Help me to help her without pushing her away from me. My husband is a push over and has no backbone to stand up to these two and tell them to wait, live together and try to get good jobs before
they marry. Any helpful comments would be appreciated. Thank you.

She sounds like a loser too... Do you expect her to marry a brain surgeon? They sound equally matched.

[Anonymous]

Op - for the record, people who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who don't live together (although not a huge difference between the two). Just to say that living together has no positive effect on making a marriage work. Once people have lived together and intertwined their lives, they are more likely to go ahead and get married even if they have reservations as it is much harder to separate lives once you live together.

[Anonymous]

Tell her what my parents told me, when I was 23 and got married to my husband: that they did not think it was a good idea, but hoped it would work out, and that if it didn't, they would be there for me.

Fast forward 9 years: we are on the brink, and it is very hard to untangle lives with 2 young children.

My husband has multiple graduate degrees! Education does not guarantee financial success or emotional and psychological stability.

[Anonymous]

You're not going to win this one. You hate to see your kids set themselves up to be hurt, but they do what they are going to.

For goodness sake, do not pay for the wedding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - for the record, people who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who don't live together (although not a huge difference between the two). Just to say that living together has no positive effect on making a marriage work. Once people have lived together and intertwined their lives, they are more likely to go ahead and get married even if they have reservations as it is much harder to separate lives once you live together.

I was going to say exactly the same thing. Living together actually increases the chances of a bad relationship turning into a bad marriage. Do NOT encourage her to live with this guy, intertwining belongings and finances, making it that much harder to leave and that much easier to slump into a marriage because "we're practically there anyway."

Cut her loose, completely. She can make these poor decisions a lot more easily if you are paying for them. Just say, "we love you, we want what is best for you, and we know you are old enough to make you own decisions. We respect that. We wish you well."

I know it is easier said than done. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Against my family's wishes, I got married at 25 to someone who had did not seem like good marriage potential. I'd known him for less than a year. My family even had an intervention with me to try to convince me not to marry him. That didn't work. In some ways it made me more determined to follow through with my plans. Well, needless-to-say, the marriage was a mistake. It was awful, but short-lived. We were separated in less than 2 years. The thing to keep in mind, though, is that divorce is not easy. It's much easier to get married than it is to get divorced. OP, I'm not really sure what you can do as painful as it is to watch this happen. I am so grateful that I did not get pregnant during the short marriage. Otherwise I'd still be connected to that guy through a child. Hopefully your daughter will open her eyes to the situation. Or maybe the young man will turn out to be more than a loser. Think positively, release yourself from it a bit, if possible, and pray about it, if you are so inclined. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 24, time to let go Mom and let her live her life and make her own mistakes. This is a losing battle so don't even bother fighting it. Tell her you love her and hope is she happy and will support her in whatever she chooses.

The only thing I'd take issue with is paying for the wedding. Your money, your right to do with it as you wish.

This is good advice. She has to make her own mistakes. Just be there for her through the good and bad.

This exactly. You can't tell her who to marry.

[Anonymous]

I don't like being negative towards other people's relationships and I hope it works out but the OP's daughter's relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster.

It isn't 1950 anymore, these days this kind of relationship/marriage has virtually no chance of working out long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Kpursel1 wrote:My daughter is 24 and in a relationship one year. He is 29 has no job, no education, 5 yrs in Iraq in the Marines, lives with his parents on a leased ranch, divorced with a 9yrs old daughter. My daughter wants to marry him 5/18/13 and we are
suppose to pay for the wedding. She says she will marry him no matter what, but I ask her what the hurry is? I asked her to live with him at least a year before they talk marriage, she lives out of town and works as a server in a resturant
but at least she has had a job for 5yrs. Help me to help her without pushing her away from me. My husband is a push over and has no backbone to stand up to these two and tell them to wait, live together and try to get good jobs before
they marry. Any helpful comments would be appreciated. Thank you.

She sounds like a loser too... Do you expect her to marry a brain surgeon? They sound equally matched.

That's not on. While her relationship choice leaves much to be desired, she's at least working and not an unemployed single parent.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds weird. This doesn't sound like a rushed marriage anyway. Dating for a year and getting married 9 months from now? Not sure that waiting will make either of them less loser like.

What is your DDs degree in? Why is the BF no longer in the Marines? Maybe you can help them with career counseling as a starting point.

[Anonymous]

OP, I bet your daughter is totally turned off by decent guys. Every man, especially the guy she is dating, knows that women are turned on by bad boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I bet your daughter is totally turned off by decent guys. Every man, especially the guy she is dating, knows that women are turned on by bad boys.

Good point; I wonder what her dating history has been or if this kind of man is par for the course.