Different Socioeconomic Classes & Exclusive Independent Schools

[Anonymous]

The behavior of fellow parents really varies across the schools. My recommendation to OP is to go in with a very open mind -- expect to be treated well by others and don't read too much into a few minor slights. Remember, there will be a few parents that you will not care for no matter which school your child attends -- including public!

The reason I give this rather lame, obvious advice is because of the way I was raised. My mom felt that all "rich" people were horrible, selfish people who only cared about their money and looked down on people like us. When my DC started private school, I found myself with a bit of a chip on my shoulder thanks to the attitudes I grew up with ... I was sure that the wealthier families (which in our case would be pretty much everyone!) were sizing me up and discounting me because of our lower household income. When you are looking for signs of a slight, you find them everywhere, even when they don't exist. I had to really sit myself down and have a serious chat with myself and soon things were much, much better. You and your DC will be fine too. There are many lovely people out there to meet, even among the "horrible rich"!!

[Anonymous]

We have DC in a private school, and it is a mixed bag. Although compared to most of the country we are probably upper middle class, in the context of the school we are decidedly poor. (It is a strain for us to pay tuition, we don't take vacations, we drive plain-jane cars, etc.) I would tend to agree with the PPs who said that the disparities won't bother your child too much, at least in the lower grades, because kids won't really notice or care. (Although I confess to having been shocked recently when a five-year-old girl classmate of DC's commented, "your house is smaller than our house.")

How it affects you as parents might matter, though. For us, I will be honest: it is difficult to always feel like the poor relation: to always be the only one who can't join in the conversation about where you're going on spring break (umm, nowhere? ), or to feel bad during playdates because our house doesn't have a huge dedicated playroom, etc., etc. (Our house is quite nice but it looks like a dollhouse compared to classmates' houses...) Also, although we are not all that materialistic, after a while I find that we are actually starting to become more dissatisfied with what we have, because being surrounded by wealth all the time does make you feel like what you have isn't enough, even though we are certainly doing just fine by most standards. I don't like feeling envy on a daily basis; I try to avoid it but it is difficult. Mostly my envy isn't about possessions but about peace-of-mind and freedom: I envy the families who can pay tuition without blinking an eye, and who can still afford other things and retirement savings along with tuition, etc. Ultimately, we just don't fit in, period.

Bottom line, we honestly feel that our private school is the best fit for DC, which is why DC is there, but it is not the best fit for us!

I have been told also by people with older children that it will start to become difficult as DC sees other kids with possessions and wants the same; while a 5-year-old may not notice, an eight-year-old will, and will ask for things, etc. I am not relishing fighting those battles!

HTH!

[Anonymous]

We are generally in the same boat as the PP. We do fine compared to most of the world, but in the independent school, we are in the middle or lower end of the spectrum.

At the end of the day, we have always been treated nicely by other parents, welcomed into their homes and vice versa. I think it mostly comes down to comfort level and what values are being instilled in our kids.

[Anonymous]

OP Here again

Thanks for the post and advice Everything stated was helpful and eased my nervourness about DC attending an independent school.

I am positive that DC will be fine; the school DC will attend in the fall is wonderful. We chose this school because we thought it offered a great deal of structure and a rigorous curriculm while allowing children to be children; which is what our DC needs. As parents we will remained focused on making sure DC gets a great education and not get caught up in the hype of it all.

Thanks again everyone!!

[Anonymous]

From what I can remember, the snobbishness that many have mentioned is in public schools as well.
One good thing that came out of it, is most of us realized that some 'bad' neighbourhoods have very sensible young responsible people and that judging is not the way to go.
There were some who were very caught up in their lifestyle and never got to know that. Even though the school had that diversity.

And this is in a public school.

I would guess that in the private school the better off would stick together. If you are not better off you will realize that someone who takes the bus can still be a good friend.

[Anonymous]

I went to a lily-white, upper middle class public school in the south. I was one of the kids from one of the wealthiest families. My dad probably made a bit over $100,000 in the 70s/80s, and my mom was SAHM with a trust fund. Both my parents had college and graduate degrees (Ivy League, Stanford, etc...) which was unusual and I never felt like I fit in family-wise at all. There were things that I was exposed to and taught that others didn't even know about: subscription to the Symphony, trips to Europe, gracious manners, good books, sleep away camp, the theater in NYC, a wide variety of colleges to consider, etc.... My parents had values and manners that few other parents did. My parents did not socialize with the other parents. They had an entirely different set. It actually wasn't great having such a different life/values/expectations from eveyone else. It kind of ... stunk. I had friends but I always felt a little off-key.

My kids are in a NWDC private school and we are probably in the middle, even the lower middle, with an annual income of approx. $500,000. I work part-time. Both I and my children are totally comfortable and happy with who/what we are. We have tons of friends in the school and an active social life. My husband sometimes bemoans how much more successful other dads are but he is a lot younger than most of them (5-10 years) so I keep reminding him that it is not an even comparision. Besides, who cares? We are happy and very fortunate from any perspective and have a fantastic life. (Men can be so competitive .) The important thing is that we have found people who we really like, people we are very comfortable with, and people who have the same life values and expectations that we have. We do not all come from similar backgrounds or have similar socio-economic situations but that really does not matter.

My point is, its not really about money its more about values and expectations and exposure and attitude. What matters is confidence, liking yourself and your life, having exposure to museums, books, music (easy in Washington), having good manners (matters more than some people think) and good values. If you are friendly and outgoing you will have friends. If you have a chip on your shoulder (as a poster mentioned above about herself - good for her for figuring it out!!) you and your children will have problems and be unhappy. Judging from your post, I think you will be just fine.

Oh - side note... snotty people will be snotty to everyone who they don't know. Its always an insecurity thing. That is the key to remember.