How to help 15 year old nephew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DB sounds utterly clueless about child development. Signing him up for sports will only make him more miserable. He needs professional help for basic motor coordination, and professional help for social skills, and a screening for depression and autism. Yes the divorce makes it way worse, but you say he's always had issues. The loss of friendships is because he is falling further behind in maturity.

You can be a caring and responsible adult in his life who accepts him and values him exactly as he is. If he would like an outing, take him out. If not, stay in and let him choose an activity. Applaud his efforts in any area you can. Does he do Mathnasium because he's behind or because he's talented? Maybe there's an avenue there.

OP here. I don’t think Ned is autistic. I said he’s always been quirky since we moved back five years ago, when he was 10, but the divorce was before that, when he was 7, I think. What I remember of him as a kid up until age 8 was he was very sweet, funny and confident. We didn’t see him for a couple years due to distance and COVID, then began to see him regularly after he turned 10. That’s when I first noticed him saying odd things for effect, but still pretty innocuous.

I definitely care for him and accept him for who he is, so long as he shows a modicum of respect for us and our boundaries. I used to invite him to our house over the summer for day visits, but stopped because I don’t trust what he’s like with my kids who are younger.

He’s a really smart kid, but math is apparently not his best subject. He’s getting straight As so he has that going for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the dad blames ex-wife for everything and once the kid turns 18 I wouldn't be surprised if he wants nothing to do with him, whereupon the dad will proclaim the ex turned the son against him and he doesn't know why.

+1

This is OP. I wouldn’t be surprised by this either. DB is not perfect, but he’s doing his best as a parent. Ex-wife lets Ned do whatever he wants. Not surprising that Ned prefers being with his mom over his dad.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher and encounter at least one kid like Ned per year. There’s maybe not anything clinically wrong with them but their peers don’t like them. Hopefully the teacher who eats lunch with his can have a gentle but straight conversation with him (maybe dad can contact them)
As for an activity suggestion I’d recommend joining the gym/swimming laps. These are solo activities where he can feel incremental success and gain confidence. Plus get out some of that obnoxious energy. When my teen started going to the gym he mellowed out a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage Ned to get into theatre - it's where the quirky kids congregate. Even if he doesn't want to/can't act, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff he could do.

Also, Ned is simply immature in addition to being addicted to screens.

The theater kids I was friends with would not have been cool with nazi crap or eating other people’s cake

Agree. Don't you know, on DCUM, "theatre kids" (or track team manager) is ALWAYS the one-size-fits-all-solution for any kid struggling with friendship. Even those who have zero interest in arts or watching other people run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DB sounds utterly clueless about child development. Signing him up for sports will only make him more miserable. He needs professional help for basic motor coordination, and professional help for social skills, and a screening for depression and autism. Yes the divorce makes it way worse, but you say he's always had issues. The loss of friendships is because he is falling further behind in maturity.

You can be a caring and responsible adult in his life who accepts him and values him exactly as he is. If he would like an outing, take him out. If not, stay in and let him choose an activity. Applaud his efforts in any area you can. Does he do Mathnasium because he's behind or because he's talented? Maybe there's an avenue there.

OP here. I don’t think Ned is autistic. I said he’s always been quirky since we moved back five years ago, when he was 10, but the divorce was before that, when he was 7, I think. What I remember of him as a kid up until age 8 was he was very sweet, funny and confident. We didn’t see him for a couple years due to distance and COVID, then began to see him regularly after he turned 10. That’s when I first noticed him saying odd things for effect, but still pretty innocuous.

I definitely care for him and accept him for who he is, so long as he shows a modicum of respect for us and our boundaries. I used to invite him to our house over the summer for day visits, but stopped because I don’t trust what he’s like with my kids who are younger.

He’s a really smart kid, but math is apparently not his best subject. He’s getting straight As so he has that going for him.

I agree with PP that your DB seems clueless. It's not like you sign up a 15 yo to sports for the first time and he suddenly turns athletic! Where was he when the kid was a toddler/elementary schooler? A lot of parents whose kids are athletic have involved their kids in sports since they were 3-4-5 yo!! Like with everything else, if you like something, you're good at it! You're good at something which you spend time doing! At 15 yo we're talking about other kids doing school sports and JV/varsity and you're talking about signing him up for gym. At this age, maybe best is indeed swimming. It ensures whole body development and can be done at your own pace. Summer is a good time to start and if he can do it, then maybe even consider it as a school sport, in many places it's non-competitive.

As far as clothing goes, who bought him the fur vest? Boys are usually not so interested in clothing and much of it is bought by parents. I still buy clothes for my 16 yo and he only sometimes tells me what he wants, otherwise he wears what I buy (I try to keep track of what he likes more). Boys are pretty chill.

To me it also seems like DB is blaming the ex... talking s*t... yeah, no kidding, what is DB doing himself blaming his son's problems on the ex? Projecting much? There are indeed many men out there who have dropped the ball and in the end yeah, sure, the ex is at fault.

[Anonymous]

Ned is on the autism spectrum and needs specific therapy for people on the spectrum, so they can develop more self-awareness of their own emotions, more awareness of other people's feelings, and a greater knowledge or and respect for unwritten social norms (dress, hygiene, organization, conversation, etc).

The parents are fighting, because the mother is sympathetic and the father is antagonistic. It's so common, so typical, OP.

The family might greatly resent a suggestion to have their kid evaluated, but they really, really should.

- parent of an autistic son, who also fought with her husband about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the dad blames ex-wife for everything and once the kid turns 18 I wouldn't be surprised if he wants nothing to do with him, whereupon the dad will proclaim the ex turned the son against him and he doesn't know why.

+1

This is OP. I wouldn’t be surprised by this either. DB is not perfect, but he’s doing his best as a parent. Ex-wife lets Ned do whatever he wants. Not surprising that Ned prefers being with his mom over his dad.

Btw, kids don't prefer being with a parents who let them do whatever. They prefer a parent who offers consistency and follow through. If he's academically good (has all As) he obviously knows how to time-manage, so there is no need to micromanage how much exactly he spends on his screens.