Dating people from other cultures

[Anonymous]

My MIL is from another culture and is such a lovely, intelligent and understanding person. My own mother is way more critical!

My parents are from different cultures, languages, religions, and their respective home countries are on either side of the world. They met in their early 20s and have spent practically their entire adult life together.

My husband shares a common language with me, and we spent part of our youth growing up in the same country, but his culture of origin is different from mine.

There is absolutely no reason that two committed people cannot make a multiethnic and/or multicultural relationship work, OP. My children and I are living proof of this. I see multicultural and multiethnic kids in my area all the time. I'm so glad this is happening. The more people from different cultures and nations get together to procreate, the less they're going to want to go to war with other countries.

[Anonymous]

Both my husband and I married "out." we are now divorced. We thought we had so much in common, were similarly educated, similar professions, thought we wanted and valued similar things. We did not.

[Anonymous]

I definitely understand the challenges that come with blending cultures. If you can overcome the challenges by “speaking their language”, it is a clearer game-free path to marriage, if that’s your goal. IME, the parents have something that makes them respect and accept you as the outsider coming in to their culture…it is very often status as a function of your profession & education, money (yours and/or your family’s), your possessions (house, cars, etc). When those things are in order and you follow the protocols of their traditions and customs, you are in. Literally speaking their language will also gain you bonus points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I married "out." we are now divorced. We thought we had so much in common, were similarly educated, similar professions, thought we wanted and valued similar things. We did not.

Interesting. Would you expand on how your values ended up being different? And how your cultures were different (e.g., one of you was from a more conservative, patriarchal culture, religion, etc.)?

[Anonymous]

It’s harder for American women to date men from non western cultures because most (pretty much all) of them are very anti feminist and conservative.

American men who seek foreign women have an easier time since most of the men who do this are already conservative and desire someone like minded

[Anonymous]

I'm Latino and have a white friend who married a Latino guy. Their kids are so not culturally Latino, to the point that they would freak out if they were dropped into a Latino family party situation. The mom's culture is what dominates for the kids in almost every situation I've ever seen, if they family lives in the US. If my white friend and her Latino husband had moved to Latin America, that might have led to a different outcome.

[Anonymous]

As a woman of color, I'd encourage OP to examine why she is drawn to so many men from other cultures. It's one thing to fall for someone who is a classmate or someone in your pickleball club who happens to be a POC or from another country. But it sounds like you're seeking them out BECAUSE they are from a different culture, and that reeks of culture vulture behavior.

[Anonymous]

I married out of culture. We've made it work over the years but I can tell you right now it would be so much simple in terms of raising children if we both were the same culture. Life is more complex but the love I have with him is worth it.

[Anonymous]

I'm an American born white man. I dated several foreign born women after my divorce. They weren't conservative. They're very feminist. Their ex husbands couldn't handle their independence and professional success.

I noticed that in some ways they tended to be more conservative than American women. Most of them felt strongly that men should pay for dates, open car doors, etc. Most wore nicer clothes and more makeup than American women with liberal significant professional accomplishments.

The ones from Europe and Latin America have usually had many sexual partners. The ones from Asia and the Middle East usually haven't had all that many.

These were middle aged divorced women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a white American woman, and for the last couple years I’ve been dating men from other cultures and really enjoy it.

However, a common theme that pops up within the first few dates is their parents. Often parents have a lot of input on who they marry, and it’s pretty clear they would not approve of me since I’m not from their culture and don’t fit what their parents want (such as not wanting kids, even though many of these guys say they don’t really care about having their own kids, it’s mostly for their parents). One guy I dated even said that he’s never married because he would have to “go to war” with his parents to marry an American woman.

Is it even worth it to keep dating these guys? I know there’s the stereotype that they’ll string you along for months/years then dump you for someone their parents approve of, and I don’t really want to waste my time. But it also feels weird to me to dismiss them, even though the parent thing seems to come up every time.

This happened to me when I dated a Jewish woman but I knew her parents would never accept me because I am not Jewish. I’m sure this is the same with every insular culture (except for white Americans, who - for certain reasons - have to be extremely accepting and open to all other cultures.)

But it’s more than just the parents: the person you date from that other culture certainly has the same prejudices and biases as their parents, which is why it will never work.

[Anonymous]

Why make life harder for yourself? And I’m a Catholic married to a Jewish man. His mother never accepted me. She wanted a nice Jewish girl. My husband was a saint and cut her off but it was difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a white American woman, and for the last couple years I’ve been dating men from other cultures and really enjoy it.

However, a common theme that pops up within the first few dates is their parents. Often parents have a lot of input on who they marry, and it’s pretty clear they would not approve of me since I’m not from their culture and don’t fit what their parents want (such as not wanting kids, even though many of these guys say they don’t really care about having their own kids, it’s mostly for their parents). One guy I dated even said that he’s never married because he would have to “go to war” with his parents to marry an American woman.

Is it even worth it to keep dating these guys? I know there’s the stereotype that they’ll string you along for months/years then dump you for someone their parents approve of, and I don’t really want to waste my time. But it also feels weird to me to dismiss them, even though the parent thing seems to come up every time.

This happened to me when I dated a Jewish woman but I knew her parents would never accept me because I am not Jewish. I’m sure this is the same with every insular culture (except for white Americans, who - for certain reasons - have to be extremely accepting and open to all other cultures.)

But it’s more than just the parents: the person you date from that other culture certainly has the same prejudices and biases as their parents, which is why it will never work.

I was deeply in love with a Jewish man, and he told me: “I’m sorry but you’re not Jewish and can’t have Jewish children” - thus, no serious relationship between us was possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman of color, I'd encourage OP to examine why she is drawn to so many men from other cultures. It's one thing to fall for someone who is a classmate or someone in your pickleball club who happens to be a POC or from another country. But it sounds like you're seeking them out BECAUSE they are from a different culture, and that reeks of culture vulture behavior.

Agree with this. Love is love. And you deal with the mothers-in-law. But talking about years of only dating people outside their culture sounds more like a fetish. Which is a very different thing than just meeting someone at Pickleball and making a go of things, despite the mother-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re having fun dating you until they marry someone their family approves of. This kind of behavior is tolerated and even encouraged in certain cultures as just young men sowing their wild oats. Know the score and don’t waste your time if marriage is your goal.

+1 also sometimes they just blame their parents because it's a convenient out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a woman of color, I'd encourage OP to examine why she is drawn to so many men from other cultures. It's one thing to fall for someone who is a classmate or someone in your pickleball club who happens to be a POC or from another country. But it sounds like you're seeking them out BECAUSE they are from a different culture, and that reeks of culture vulture behavior.

Agree with this. Love is love. And you deal with the mothers-in-law. But talking about years of only dating people outside their culture sounds more like a fetish. Which is a very different thing than just meeting someone at Pickleball and making a go of things, despite the mother-in-law.

DP. Not sure I agree.

It’s kinda trite to simply parrot “love is love.” That’s dodging the issue.

What I mean is: sure, love who you want, but if it’s a man from another culture, and you know his culture will always be biased against you, then you are the one forcing him to choose between love for you and the love between his parents and him (not to mention the rest of the family).

You can demand the simplistic “love is love” thing from white American men, (they have to go along) but it’s probably not ok to do that to multicultural people.