Ex still hitting our teen kids

[Anonymous]

When he hit the kids and you were still married, what did you do?

Have you ever hit your children?

I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m trying to consider what he’s going to tell his lawyer— that you were fine with corporal punishment before and now you’re “punishing” him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he hit the kids and you were still married, what did you do?

Have you ever hit your children?

I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m trying to consider what he’s going to tell his lawyer— that you were fine with corporal punishment before and now you’re “punishing” him.

So what, how is that relevant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he hit the kids and you were still married, what did you do?

Have you ever hit your children?

I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m trying to consider what he’s going to tell his lawyer— that you were fine with corporal punishment before and now you’re “punishing” him.

So what, how is that relevant?

DP. But if OP also hits her kids, then it's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he hit the kids and you were still married, what did you do?

Have you ever hit your children?

I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m trying to consider what he’s going to tell his lawyer— that you were fine with corporal punishment before and now you’re “punishing” him.

So what, how is that relevant?

Because they’re going to need a legal strategy? It may be better, for example, if a complaint is brought by the victim instead of the parent? Or brought to a counselor/other mandatory reporter by the kid rather than first heard in family court?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he hit the kids and you were still married, what did you do?

Have you ever hit your children?

I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m trying to consider what he’s going to tell his lawyer— that you were fine with corporal punishment before and now you’re “punishing” him.

I don’t hit my kids. When they were younger, it was mostly spanking, though there were times it went further. I stepped in when I could, but I didn’t support many of his choices. It feels like things may be getting worse now, and I know I need to have a serious conversation with him about it—possibly threaten taking him to court, it might improve things. He still wants to see the kids, and I’m concerned about my safety if I pursue full custody.

[Anonymous]

Given the kids’ ages, do they have any say in whether they see him? It seems like they should. Call your lawyer and seek full custody.

If you are afraid for your own safety if you try to stand up to him, imagine how they feel.

[Anonymous]

Are you physically afraid of him too? I don’t think you will get anywhere trying to talk/reason with him without attorneys involved? It’s clearly abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's abusive and you are describing assaults, not discipline. Get your divorce lawyer involved and try to get full custody of these children.

+1000

OP, this is beyond any reason. Call your attorney TODAY and read what you have written to him/ her. You spell it out very well here. This is something that is not going to go away or get better over time.

You have to stand up for your kids.

Do not delay on this.

That’s what I plan to do, I’m just very worried about them, and how this could affect them in the meantime. Like I said, I’m also worried about going to court with him, he believes this is all reasonable, and our kids are afraid of him.

Plan to do? In the meantime? This is nuts. Call the police or CPS or both today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding. If you are scared for their safety, why aren't you calling the police?

+1 I’m a mandated reporter and would call CPS in a heartbeat based upon what you describe. It’s not discipline, it’s abuse and it’s horrific. An eye injury? How has he not been investigated?

[Anonymous]

And this has gotta be sick troll. What mother would be so passive when their kids are hit with hangers or beaten to the extent that they have an eye injury? Posting on dcum - “I’ll eventually step in to protect my kids but what should I do in the meantime” BS…it seems you feel helpless and at this point, your kids are going to have trauma to unpack. Nobody at their school has noticed or called CPS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three teens: a 16-year-old daughter, a 15-year-old son, and a 13-year-old son. The situation is that my ex still physically disciplines the kids in his home and we share 50/50 custody. It’s not constant, but it happens often enough to be super concerning — and when it does happen, he doesn’t seem able to control his anger.

It’s also not great because they’re at an age where they really shouldn’t be getting hit at all anymore. Their behavior is different from when they were younger, and they can generally be reasoned with. It also feels like the intensity has increased over time.

Our 15-year-old son doesnt (rarely) experience physical discipline — mostly yelling — because he is the one who listens and complies the most.

Our 13-year-old son experiences physical discipline such as ear twisting, slapping, pulling, and being hit with a hanger (lasting a couple minutes). This tends to happen more frequently (sometimes every few weeks), typically when he talks back, says no, has an attitude, is loud, doesn’t follow directions right away, or pushes back on expectations like chores, bedtime, or stopping games.

Our 16-year-old daughter is also subjected to physical force such as slapping, grabbing, pinching, etc. For her, incidents are less frequent — sometimes months between — but still occur, often during larger conflicts when she argues, refuses something she is required to do, has an emotional outburst (for example, in February she had a significant outburst (damaged a wall) that escalated he responded by hitting her and resulted in an eye injury to her), or doesn’t comply (another example was in April when she didn’t want to go somewhere she needed to go). The last incident before that was likely around July.

He mainly uses his hands, but sometimes uses a clothing hanger, and it feels like the force increases when he escalates. The bigger issue is that he has significant anger issues and doesn’t seem able to stop once he escalates, with little to no remorse afterward.

The pattern seems to be about control and compliance. If they immediately do what he says, things are fine. If they don’t — even normal teen behavior — it can escalate into physical discipline.

They know this isn’t okay, but also worry about making things worse or escalating conflict.
I’m not sure what to do to help my kids. I do tell them to try to listen to limit conflict, but I don’t know how much I can actually do to prevent this from backfiring. What can I realistically do here? They are teens — it doesn’t feel appropriate for them to be physically disciplined like this at all at this stage. I’m struggling with how to protect them while not escalating things further, especially given the 50/50 situation and that my ex is a very angry person, I’m worried for their safety because he can’t control his anger. Location: VA

You seem to believe that there was some age where this was acceptable.

Get CPS involved. Today.

[Anonymous]

The kids need to be empowered to understand that if the dad starts hitting one of them, the others can call the police or possibly record it on their phone. Talk to your lawyer first.

[Anonymous]

If this isn’t a troll, then presumably this is a woman who is worried he might murder her and/or the kids if she makes a fuss about this.

OP, what kind of violence has he shown towards you over the years? A domestic violence agency might also have some good advice.

Do the kids say they don’t want to go stay with him?

[Anonymous]

You MUST tell your attorney and the court and file immediately for modification of custody. They are teens who are being abused! Do not let them go back there. He can’t physically pick all 3 of them up and put them in the car. Stand up for them! The court will
Listen to your teens. My boys were only 11 and they refused to go back to ex house.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to call the police next time is happens.