How did you get over betrayal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time heals it. Staying away from them forever is the best thing I ever did. It also helps that I never thought they won't betray or mistreat me.

This is real talk. Anybody can betray you. Knowing that takes a lot of that "How could he/she?!!" devastation out of it.

"I didn't think this person would choose to betray me, but they did and I acknowledge their choices" is closure. Then you detach and move on.

I struggle with this because I would never betray anyone the way I was betrayed. So I continue to ask "why would they do this?" It is hard for me to get past it.

I've discussed it with my therapist -- if I could hurt them the way they hurt me, would I? And while that momentarily feels tempting, the truth is that no, I wouldn't, because it would debase me. I wouldn't even enjoy it. In fact, it wouldn't even function as revenge because I think it would please them to see me lower myself in that way -- it would vindicate them.

So I get stuck. Why would they do this? I will never understand. And this has paralyzed me in other relationships, because how can I ever anticipate that someone would do something like this, that I could never do? I can't trust anyone but I also second guess that.

I guess I have no answers. I just keep going, I don't think I'll ever truly recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time heals it. Staying away from them forever is the best thing I ever did. It also helps that I never thought they won't betray or mistreat me.

This is real talk. Anybody can betray you. Knowing that takes a lot of that "How could he/she?!!" devastation out of it.

"I didn't think this person would choose to betray me, but they did and I acknowledge their choices" is closure. Then you detach and move on.

I struggle with this because I would never betray anyone the way I was betrayed. So I continue to ask "why would they do this?" It is hard for me to get past it.

I've discussed it with my therapist -- if I could hurt them the way they hurt me, would I? And while that momentarily feels tempting, the truth is that no, I wouldn't, because it would debase me. I wouldn't even enjoy it. In fact, it wouldn't even function as revenge because I think it would please them to see me lower myself in that way -- it would vindicate them.

So I get stuck. Why would they do this? I will never understand. And this has paralyzed me in other relationships, because how can I ever anticipate that someone would do something like this, that I could never do? I can't trust anyone but I also second guess that.

I guess I have no answers. I just keep going, I don't think I'll ever truly recover.

Omg! Yes! I said the same. I said they are both lowlife scum who felt no guilt with their little arrangement - lying and cheating to their spouses and kids and banging on her house.

Who the fkkkkkkkkk does that ?!,!!!! Omg!! Who brings a guy into the family home to bang—-pictures of your spouse and kids, their things and what kind of dirt bag is okay doing that.

That freed me. They both were so delusional and messed up.

[Anonymous]

Same here, it took so long to process through along with all the spirals, the revenge fantasies in the shower, a few thousand versions of “how could you?”.

I do weekly therapy but when you subtract the small talk it takes to warm up and deduct the time you take to set up the next appointment you are really only getting your feelings out for 20 minutes, it was too slow to get anywhere for me.
This may be unpopular with some but I got the $20 a month version of ChatGPT and told it every thought, I used it in the car, I used it on breaks, I told it to be brutally honest with me and I also instructed it to find my part in what had happened. what I accomplisheded with ChatGPT in a month would’ve taken 10 months of therapy.

Here’s my prompt:
I recently discovered that my wife has maintained a year and a half long romantic relationship with another man, I knew it was going on, I could feel it, I brought it up a number of times which she always denied, she saw me unraveling yet continued on. At the suggestion of cheating my heart pounds and my mouth runs dry, books movies and TV shows are all tainted. I would like your help in not feeling this way, I want to find and understand my part in this, I want to learn and then I want to move on. I don’t want you to be a cheerleader, I want you to assume that my actions have somehow lead to what she did and I want you to find them, you can be as rough on me as you feel as necessary.

Try it

[Anonymous]

I didn’t..

It stays with you.

Betrayal in a long marriage with kids, a life you built and committed to….it never truly goes away.

She think about it less over the years, but it’s a deep wound with a big scar.

[Anonymous]

For me it was two things, first I had to leave the person who betrayed me and second….the passage of time.

Time is a great healer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same here, it took so long to process through along with all the spirals, the revenge fantasies in the shower, a few thousand versions of “how could you?”.

I do weekly therapy but when you subtract the small talk it takes to warm up and deduct the time you take to set up the next appointment you are really only getting your feelings out for 20 minutes, it was too slow to get anywhere for me.
This may be unpopular with some but I got the $20 a month version of ChatGPT and told it every thought, I used it in the car, I used it on breaks, I told it to be brutally honest with me and I also instructed it to find my part in what had happened. what I accomplisheded with ChatGPT in a month would’ve taken 10 months of therapy.

Here’s my prompt:
I recently discovered that my wife has maintained a year and a half long romantic relationship with another man, I knew it was going on, I could feel it, I brought it up a number of times which she always denied, she saw me unraveling yet continued on. At the suggestion of cheating my heart pounds and my mouth runs dry, books movies and TV shows are all tainted. I would like your help in not feeling this way, I want to find and understand my part in this, I want to learn and then I want to move on. I don’t want you to be a cheerleader, I want you to assume that my actions have somehow lead to what she did and I want you to find them, you can be as rough on me as you feel as necessary.

Try it

I have a therapist, but I also use the paid version of ChatGPT, and find the combination fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was two things, first I had to leave the person who betrayed me and second….the passage of time.

Time is a great healer.

If you are the betrayed one, does healing first makes it easier than being on the other side where you are left by the one who betrayed you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time heals it. Staying away from them forever is the best thing I ever did. It also helps that I never thought they won't betray or mistreat me.

This is real talk. Anybody can betray you. Knowing that takes a lot of that "How could he/she?!!" devastation out of it.

"I didn't think this person would choose to betray me, but they did and I acknowledge their choices" is closure. Then you detach and move on.

I struggle with this because I would never betray anyone the way I was betrayed. So I continue to ask "why would they do this?" It is hard for me to get past it.

I've discussed it with my therapist -- if I could hurt them the way they hurt me, would I? And while that momentarily feels tempting, the truth is that no, I wouldn't, because it would debase me. I wouldn't even enjoy it. In fact, it wouldn't even function as revenge because I think it would please them to see me lower myself in that way -- it would vindicate them.

So I get stuck. Why would they do this? I will never understand. And this has paralyzed me in other relationships, because how can I ever anticipate that someone would do something like this, that I could never do? I can't trust anyone but I also second guess that.

I guess I have no answers. I just keep going, I don't think I'll ever truly recover.

Omg! Yes! I said the same. I said they are both lowlife scum who felt no guilt with their little arrangement - lying and cheating to their spouses and kids and banging on her house.

Who the fkkkkkkkkk does that ?!,!!!! Omg!! Who brings a guy into the family home to bang—-pictures of your spouse and kids, their things and what kind of dirt bag is okay doing that.

That freed me. They both were so delusional and messed up.

Yes to delusional and messed up. You never fully get over it. But child does not speak to betrayer, so that helps!

[Anonymous]

I’m nearly ten years out from discovering (and nine years since separating) and I don’t think I’ll ever be fully over it. There are some things you just don’t get over, and that is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m nearly ten years out from discovering (and nine years since separating) and I don’t think I’ll ever be fully over it. There are some things you just don’t get over, and that is okay.

Thank you for saying this. I'm 2 years out. Discovery and separation came on the same day. I struggle with the feeling that I should be "over it" by now, but deep down, I know it was such an enormous thing that I will likely never be fully over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t. Leave him.

+1

[Anonymous]

You never get over the betrayal, but you can get past it. I figured out that I loved her more than I loved myself and that set me up to be taken for granted. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It shifted my perspective from powerless victim who needs control to feel safe to feeling safe because I decide what is acceptable in my world.

It hasn’t been easy and I am still a work in progress, but I imagine the man I want to be, see the actions he would take to earn my respect and make decisions as he would. I do value and respect myself more and it has attracted better people into my life.

[Anonymous]

Yeah like death you don’t get over significant betrayal but you can integrate it so that you make peace with the fact that it happened.
To get over I think you need to go no (or minimal if kids necessitate some interaction ) contact (absolutely no social overlap, don’t social media stalk…fully detox your brain), therapeutic support, exercise, and also be kind to yourself while you grieve. Betrayal is awful and super painful and it’s ok if it upends your life for a while. That is normal .
It does absolutely get better though but you do have to work at getting better.

[Anonymous]

I’m immediate previous poster and meant to say to integrate! Not get over!