Afraid to have a son - TW COCSA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One important (huge) difference is that you know what to look for and you wouldn’t ignore it if something did happen. But most brothers never abuse their sisters to begin with. It’s very unlikely to be an issue.

If she thinks that she will always need to “look for” signs of abuse, that’s not fair to the boy.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the compass and honest responses. I was really hesitant posting.

I think my gut knows I should make peace with my having one child. It took so long to have her and I didn't even think it would happen. We used a donor sperm for male infertility and she has a handful of donor siblings we have seen regularly now. I hope they can continue to be in her life and she has a wonderful boy cousin and friends around her although we will likely move in the next few years.

It's not that I think every boy is a predator. It's more the sibling dynamic and not wanting to be worried of they are just being normal and affectionate with each other. I don't want to put that on her or a potential boy.

Therapy has helped a lot. I'm working against my fears and instincts to not let her have any make relationships. She adores her father and we have safe male friends who are like uncles to her. We take her out and to do activities. She is obsessed with her 4 year old cousin and I have never worried about him abusing her. I know it's on going. And it will always take work.

And yes someone asked why not two girls? We only had one female embryo. And now remaining two are male. I didn't want to do another retrieval. And I'd love to wait and have a bigger gap but I'm turning 40 this year and that just isn't possible.

I'm trying to look at the positives and we can devote all of our time and resources into our baby girl and make an effort to make sure she has close friends.

I'm sad I won't have the family I imagined or experience any of this again. But I know it's not a good enough reason

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling on sibling abuse happens with all combinations of genders and age gaps, so just stick with one child and you won't be plagued by this anxiety.

Sorry OP just stick to one and done. I would worry the daughter could become an abuser as the older sibling and might unknowingly perpetuate the dysfunction if she ever got to know your history and if you go on to have a second child. It is just not fair to your existing child let alone the new child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the compass and honest responses. I was really hesitant posting.

I think my gut knows I should make peace with my having one child. It took so long to have her and I didn't even think it would happen. We used a donor sperm for male infertility and she has a handful of donor siblings we have seen regularly now. I hope they can continue to be in her life and she has a wonderful boy cousin and friends around her although we will likely move in the next few years.

It's not that I think every boy is a predator. It's more the sibling dynamic and not wanting to be worried of they are just being normal and affectionate with each other. I don't want to put that on her or a potential boy.

Therapy has helped a lot. I'm working against my fears and instincts to not let her have any make relationships. She adores her father and we have safe male friends who are like uncles to her. We take her out and to do activities. She is obsessed with her 4 year old cousin and I have never worried about him abusing her. I know it's on going. And it will always take work.

And yes someone asked why not two girls? We only had one female embryo. And now remaining two are male. I didn't want to do another retrieval. And I'd love to wait and have a bigger gap but I'm turning 40 this year and that just isn't possible.

I'm trying to look at the positives and we can devote all of our time and resources into our baby girl and make an effort to make sure she has close friends.

I'm sad I won't have the family I imagined or experience any of this again. But I know it's not a good enough reason

It’s really good for you to know your limit. If you don’t think you could parent a son without crippling anxiety, that’s your answer. I’m so sorry you had terrible trauma.

You could also do one more round of IVF to see if you get any female embryos, if you’re willing. Or do embryo adoption. If you feel you could parent a second daughter, you have options.

[Anonymous]

Because OP is very aware of the potential issue, my sense is that she would not allow the described pattern to repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because OP is very aware of the potential issue, my sense is that she would not allow the described pattern to repeat.

But the anxiety of fearing it would repeat would be very real for her. She recognizes that it would be too triggering.