If you have a spouse who is easily disregulated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some specific examples? It is possible that you are being too accommodating towards your kid and that is frustrating your DH. You could also try couples counseling if DH is willing to go

I am usually not involved. I try to handle a lot of the hard stuff because if my husband does it he gets upset easily if he’s stressed. So for example showers are always a struggle to get people going quickly enough. If oldest doesn’t want to take a shower I remind them once or twice and then note they will not have time for the bedtime activity that we often do together. They usually honestly go do it after maybe 10-15 seconds. DH will handle this many different ways when he’s stressed. He might give. 4 or more reminders with escalating loudness and finally end up yelling that he’s told them 10 times to go shower! Or sometimes he might take it personally if they don’t jump out of their chair instantly and launch into a lecture about how ungrateful DC is or being up some disagreement from earlier in the day and how he can’t believe that now DC is being disrespectful again and basically get drawn into an argument about what may or may not have happened or if DC was actually being disrespectful by not jumping out of their seat.

If he’s not stressed he handles it more or less the same way I do which I have generally thought means he agrees with that approach. It is definitely not that he always has a zero tolerance policy for reminders and I give endless reminders or something like that. I am much more likely to for example take away a book if they are reading instead of taking the shower or something like that but I do it calmly (most of the time).

Oof, resenting your kids and expressing that toward them, or expecting that they be grateful for being parented is very bad for the parent-child relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is aware of it and tries to do better. But it doesn’t always happen. We have full family discussions about this dynamic. “Dad is emotional and has a hard time controlling it” and that type of thing. I do handle some of the triggering activities- such as teaching the kids to drive. He should not go near that one.

OP here and this is so interesting to me that he is aware of and admits this dynamic. My husband does occasionally but in general seems to feel like it’s justified when he’s stressed. I struggle with how hard to push him because his mom was SO much worse I do think this is him trying to do his best. I think my biggest frustration is that he’s made these lifestyle decisions that mean he is stressed pretty often

Np. It's the "feeling justified" that gets me. Like it's always someone else's fault for triggering him. And then seeming to have a personal policy to avoid apologizing at all costs, when from my perspective, taking a pause and giving a sincere "I'm so sorry. I really messed up and hurt your feelings and that's not okay. Here's what I'm working to change..." would mean so so much.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Hang in there. I could have easily written this post so I know it's not easy. My partner used to blow up at our kids regularly or would escalate situations that could have easily been handled. He finally started seeing a therapist when he started recognizing that he was following patterns he had learned from his dad. He learned some self-regulation and worked on getting enough sleep and getting exercise. Both of those things are major factors in keeping his emotions under control. He also realized that he was frequently stressing about finances and his therapist had him set up a plan for monitoring accounts. He no longer goes to therapy and recognizes when he needs to get back on track with sleep and exercise. Things are not perfect but they are far better. Be careful that you don't carry so much of the load that you end up with resentment at a later point in time. I spent a lot of time trying to be sure I was the one who handled the kids and it's not good - makes it difficult for my partner to now be the one to implement consequences and makes me resent that I have to always be "in charge."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids called their dad crazy and try to stay away now at 18+. He can bring anyone down.
He can 'try hard' alone away from everyone else.
I moved out long ago, so the kids could take breaks.

Wise decision. I don’t know why women tolerate these man babies and continue to raise their children with them. It is extremely dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids called their dad crazy and try to stay away now at 18+. He can bring anyone down.
He can 'try hard' alone away from everyone else.
I moved out long ago, so the kids could take breaks.

Wise decision. I don’t know why women tolerate these man babies and continue to raise their children with them. It is extremely dysfunctional.

I could have written the OP. I don't know why people like you scroll through these forums looking for ways to attack women for daring to say anything critical about their husbands.

Being in OP's position sucks. Her DH has legal rights with regards to his children and so it is not entirely up to her whether she must "raise her children with" him. And of course, no parent is perfect. Whether to stay in the marriage or leave is a complex decision and not obvious in terms of what is best for the children. I know for me, my kid would absolutely be worse off in a divorce. No way DH would voluntarily give up custody. Plus, he is a great dad in many ways but has some weaknesses. As exhausting as it is, I would rather he be with us so I can call him out when needed (which he is responsive to).