Friendship in my 50s is hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an introvert and I always joke with my extrovert friends that we are the perfect pair. They have so many friends that they don’t fire me out. But they know if they ask me for drinks about every 3-4 weeks I’m available. So I think you just need to be more persistent with scheduling. Also if your get togethers are not fun that may be the issue.

Every 3-4 weeks is really frequent even for extroverts!! I don't know anyone who sees the same friends for drinks more regularly than that.

[Anonymous]

I like to see my friends one on one too, and really enjoy it, but more than once a month is too much for me, so by the time I’ve seen each friend, a few months may elapse before I would reach out to schedule again with the first one. Maybe your friends operate on a similar timeframe? I am a person who loves good, usually long conversations with a friend but also need quite a lot of alone time in between.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop thinking you know their life, "But I know for a fact that many don't spend time with anyone." Stop with that. It's obnoxious.

Now, somewhat unrelated. It seems like your radar isn't that good. Your radar for knowing who you will click with. Who's available for friendship. It's also a huge numbers game. I like a friend I will see, quite reliably once a week. If we skip weeks now and then and it turns into once every other week, ok. An hour for a walk. Who can't enjoy a walking and talking for one hour? If they can't, they really aren't available for friendship, imo. Try to get into a predictable pattern of togetherness. Try, and try. Most people will not be available. You keep trying.

[Anonymous]

I think driving is so hard in DC that your ability to be friends kind of hinges on location, too, in addition to everything else people have listed. I have a college kid and a junior in high school.

I like having big friend groups.

My friend groups are:
- my mom group from first born - we've managed to stick it out 20 years. For along time, we had monthly dinners, but people have moved away so we have dinners 3/4 times a year now - when someone comes from out of town, or a special ocassion, or other reason.

* from the mom's group - my youngest and another mom's youngest became close friends, and my husband and her husband get along, and they live closest to us, so that's our main "family friend group" - we get together with them as two couples or with the kids for dinners and catch ups.

- my book group - neighborhood based, we meet 'monthly' ( but really 8+ times a year). It's helped me meet more neighbors and have better conversations in the neighborhood. We also sometimes to to dinners or book lectures or other events.

- a group of moms with same age kids built on relationships from elementary school. We all sort of fell out of touch as different middle/high schools took us in different directions, but started getting together when our eldest went to college (to share in making care packages). It's been nice ot be back in touch. I wantt o try to resurrect a gathering of other mom's whose kids were in a particualr sport with my youngest.

- my hobby - I joined an all-women activity (think like a hiking group, or a handbell choir, plein air painting group - something like that, where we do an activity together but also hang out). It's all ages and from all walks of life, and has been a great way to meet new women.

Funny these groups are all women - I've always been into sports, for example, so used to have a lot of guy friends and do a lot of sports watching activities. Still do this some but generally it's with my husband's circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see almost no one by choice. Most people I know are nice enough but don’t really enrich my life adequately to offset the cost of stopping my own personal activities I enjoy to make it worth it. I have a very small, tight and real circle. I don’t need someone to talk to about gossip, their kids or exercise routines.

There are many people like this but it doesn't take much for the very small circle to fall apart. All that has to happen is for someone to move, someone to get sick, someone not to be able to drive and there you are.

Luckily I’m my favorite person.

[Anonymous]

I am 49. For me, it’s two things: first, I see very little point in just eating and chatting (calories, money, the effort) without actually getting anything productive done. I don’t remember being so fixated on productivity before. Like, I’d love a get together where we chat and I fold laundry or idk hang up curtains or whatever things are on my to do list. I might actually start going on walks with people.
Second, I’ve become pretty demanding/high standards unfortunately. Some people are not smart enough; some don’t share my political views; yet others are very selfish and won’t ever help me. There are other reasons too, a million of them, I don’t think it’s productive to hold so many grudges but here I am.
So yes I guess you can say I feel lonely at times (but more like “there’s no one to lean on”) but I don’t want to hang out with existing “friends”. I would like to see my brother or my college friends but they are far away, so.

[Anonymous]

I’m not in my 50s but finding it’s hard in 40s. We moved to a new area and even the people I click with and could see being friends with, it’s just so hard to find time. Stay at home moms are volunteering or have little kids or are getting together with other SAHMs during the daytime; WOHMs are just busy with families when not working. When kids were little we all had playdates and birthday parties, but kids are all doing their own things now, sports have taken over and their friends have changed too.

[Anonymous]

I am almost 50, an extrovert with friends and acquaintances - I am starting to find 1 on 1 lunch dates pretty draining and not that fun. I now prefer 3 or more, so there is less pressure on me to keep the conversation going and more 'energy' in the meet-up if that makes sense.

I started going to weekly group tennis classes a couple years ago, and have formed couple friends groups this way. We meet up to play tennis (and chat), and I am so energized afterwards! I recommend joining an activity group that meets regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see almost no one by choice. Most people I know are nice enough but don’t really enrich my life adequately to offset the cost of stopping my own personal activities I enjoy to make it worth it. I have a very small, tight and real circle. I don’t need someone to talk to about gossip, their kids or exercise routines.

There are many people like this but it doesn't take much for the very small circle to fall apart. All that has to happen is for someone to move, someone to get sick, someone not to be able to drive and there you are.

Luckily I’m my favorite person.

A true introvert! 👍🏻

[Anonymous]

I'm 52 and mentioned this on another thread, but it seems tough right now. I have lots of friends and acquaintances, but it's hard to get anyone to do anything right now, which is bumming me out. Politics is very hard and we'd just gotten back to semi-normal after the pandemic. But, lots of us are in the sandwich generation, which is no joke and emotionally exhausting.

People may also surprise you. Last month, we were invited to a small birthday party for someone who was more of an acquaintance and it was so much fun. Usually we're the ones to initiate.

There's lot of good ideas here. I'm craving more connection, so will be planning to do branch out.

[Anonymous]

Almost everyone I know in their 50s has some pretty heavy stuff going on. Kids launching or trying to launch in this ghastly economy, personal or partner health issues add in aging parents and I don’t find many people with a lot of bandwidth for others. Not a blame thing just a very real thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm commenting on the messaging of earlier posts ~ unlike them, I make intentional friends - not just anyone who will show up. To each her own though. We can define "friend" differently.

[Anonymous]

Luckily I’m my favorite person.

A true introvert! 👍🏻

I've stopped extending any grace to introverts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Luckily I’m my favorite person.

A true introvert! 👍🏻

I've stopped extending any grace to introverts

Introverts don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see almost no one by choice. Most people I know are nice enough but don’t really enrich my life adequately to offset the cost of stopping my own personal activities I enjoy to make it worth it. I have a very small, tight and real circle. I don’t need someone to talk to about gossip, their kids or exercise routines.

There are many people like this but it doesn't take much for the very small circle to fall apart. All that has to happen is for someone to move, someone to get sick, someone not to be able to drive and there you are.

Luckily I’m my favorite person.

A true introvert! 👍🏻

Learning not just how to manage alone but truly enjoy your own company is an important life skill. There will not always be someone there for you - that’s just a simple truth. Loving being with yourself allows you not only to weather times when there is no other person but it also allows one to be appropriately selective in creating true and valuable friendships instead of casting about for any warm body that is willing.