How to regulate chat groups?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I actually firmly believe that this is the age to help kids navigate social dynamics and I don't think pretending virtual interaction doesn't exist is the way to approach this. They need our guidance in all social situations including how to be safe online and how to behave appropriately in chats with friends. I am going to remove him from the large ones and just monitor closely the chat in smaller groups and keep his iPad time in general very low.
He is in sixth grade so this might not be the right forum, but I didn't see a middle school one.

This is asking for all kinds of trouble. A really terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Massive group chats are not meaningful social interactions. Yes, fine and good for sixth-graders to text their buddies to chat or make plans to see each other in person. A chat with the 12 members of a soccer team has a purpose. No, a constant-buzzing 40-person chat is helpful in any way. Teach them to leave or mute it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I actually firmly believe that this is the age to help kids navigate social dynamics and I don't think pretending virtual interaction doesn't exist is the way to approach this. They need our guidance in all social situations including how to be safe online and how to behave appropriately in chats with friends. I am going to remove him from the large ones and just monitor closely the chat in smaller groups and keep his iPad time in general very low.
He is in sixth grade so this might not be the right forum, but I didn't see a middle school one.

Gonna bit lit when the kids start saying unbelievably cruel things to each other. You can teach your child what a cesspool the online world can be.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds pretty normal and healthy to me. They are learning social skills, and some of that these days is over chat. Heck, when I was in 6th grade, I was spending at least an hour a day on AOL instant messenger! I'd strongly prefer this to, say, social media or scrolling on tik tok, and it's great he doesn't have a phone.

I'd do a couple things:

1) I'd give up on trying to read every single message every day. That's a HUGE time suck. I'd go with more of a spot check vibe. Make sure he knows you're reading messages (that's always good for him to have in his mind! My mother will see this!) and then spend 10-20 mins a day going through a few of the chains. If you spot a problem, or suspect a problem, then you can always revisit.

2) If you are close with any of the other parents, you might give them a heads up that you're doing this, and if they are doing something similar and spot anything concerning involving your kid, to let you know, and you can do the same. This only works if you're friends though. But it doubles the eyes. There's often threads on here about "would you tell the other parents?" and letting close friends of yours know proactively that you'd like to be told sounds like a win.

3) Strictly limit the devices at night and before bed. They go in a charger in your room an hour before bed, or similar.

4) As far as total time, I'd actually initiate a conversation rather than setting a rule. "I thought that since you joined all these text chains, your screen time has gone up, so I took a look - want to guess how much higher it is this month than last month?" Talk to him about it - also mention any effects you're seeing. "You used to be able to focus on your new lego kits for hours and really get lost in them and make awesome things, and I think that was really fun for you, and relaxing, and now you're up every 20 minutes checking your messages." And be willing to cop to your own bad habits or struggles with this too, if applicable. See if he agrees, and if you can work together to find some limits you both agree to on this. If they apply to you, too, all the better (for him and you).

5) Continue conversations about what's okay in group chats (stupid conversations about bathroom words and jokes) and what's not (cruelty, sexual stuff, etc) and reinforce that everything you type is forever.

6) Make sure he's continuing and even increasing (as he gets into the teen years) in person socializing. Encourage him to invite friends over, provide pizza and good snacks, stay out of their hair. Whatever makes sense for keeping the 3 dimensional world his primary social world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all sounds pretty normal and healthy to me. They are learning social skills, and some of that these days is over chat. Heck, when I was in 6th grade, I was spending at least an hour a day on AOL instant messenger! I'd strongly prefer this to, say, social media or scrolling on tik tok, and it's great he doesn't have a phone.

I'd do a couple things:

1) I'd give up on trying to read every single message every day. That's a HUGE time suck. I'd go with more of a spot check vibe. Make sure he knows you're reading messages (that's always good for him to have in his mind! My mother will see this!) and then spend 10-20 mins a day going through a few of the chains. If you spot a problem, or suspect a problem, then you can always revisit.

2) If you are close with any of the other parents, you might give them a heads up that you're doing this, and if they are doing something similar and spot anything concerning involving your kid, to let you know, and you can do the same. This only works if you're friends though. But it doubles the eyes. There's often threads on here about "would you tell the other parents?" and letting close friends of yours know proactively that you'd like to be told sounds like a win.

3) Strictly limit the devices at night and before bed. They go in a charger in your room an hour before bed, or similar.

4) As far as total time, I'd actually initiate a conversation rather than setting a rule. "I thought that since you joined all these text chains, your screen time has gone up, so I took a look - want to guess how much higher it is this month than last month?" Talk to him about it - also mention any effects you're seeing. "You used to be able to focus on your new lego kits for hours and really get lost in them and make awesome things, and I think that was really fun for you, and relaxing, and now you're up every 20 minutes checking your messages." And be willing to cop to your own bad habits or struggles with this too, if applicable. See if he agrees, and if you can work together to find some limits you both agree to on this. If they apply to you, too, all the better (for him and you).

5) Continue conversations about what's okay in group chats (stupid conversations about bathroom words and jokes) and what's not (cruelty, sexual stuff, etc) and reinforce that everything you type is forever.

6) Make sure he's continuing and even increasing (as he gets into the teen years) in person socializing. Encourage him to invite friends over, provide pizza and good snacks, stay out of their hair. Whatever makes sense for keeping the 3 dimensional world his primary social world.

Pretty sure I don't want to know what a group of middle school boys talks about in online chats. I'm sure a lot of it would stand your hair on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS just was added to a bunch of chat groups this year and this is all new territory to me. The kids text each other constantly when not in school. This is problematic because 1. I can't possibly keep up and 2. I don't personally want to read all that silly brain rot drivel they send to each other. But I will if there is no other way.

What are you all doing? Are you really reading each and every text? Is there a good monitoring tech app you recommend that would work for an ipad? He only has an ipad and an apple watch - no phone yet. He also now checks his ipad constantly for new messages so his time on there has increased dramatically which I don't love either.

Just looking for some good rules to institute as I feel a bit lost on all this. I am so glad he is socializing but want to keep him safe. I have no idea how much the other parents are monitoring on their ends. Some of these groups have as much as 40 kids in them.

What I'm getting from this is that you know this probably isn't safe and you know you should set firm limits (this is the elementary school forum so how old is this kid?) but the thrill of having a child in the popular crowd is just too alluring to possibly give up. Many such cases!

It does seem like a lot of the smug lax parenting advocates are abdicating their responsibilities so their kids can have an unrestricted social life. I always thought it was because they prioritized their children's short-term happiness over all else, but maybe it's also about feeling smug and superior about how "popular" their kids are.

[Anonymous]

I think it has more to do they want to make sure their kids have a well adjusted happy life and that includes healthy relationships with friends. Many kids are naturally social and that is part of what makes them happy. It has nothing to do with short term happiness or some sort of weird vicarious living to experience popularity. We just want well balanced healthy happy kids and this is the age where those practices are fermented for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Massive group chats are not meaningful social interactions. Yes, fine and good for sixth-graders to text their buddies to chat or make plans to see each other in person. A chat with the 12 members of a soccer team has a purpose. No, a constant-buzzing 40-person chat is helpful in any way. Teach them to leave or mute it.

Also teach them that everything they write in it is as good as public. They need to know that any member of a groupchat can secretly take screen shots and send them to anyone else in the world. Never write anything that you wouldn't want screen shotted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No chat groups. No texting. No phones. Everything is analog. Come back when you're in eighth grade and we'll reconsider.

Yeah, and only churning butter for entertainment, and those awesome little ball and loop toys.

I'm considering giving my 21 year old a rotary phone, but I think those are sent from satan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it has more to do they want to make sure their kids have a well adjusted happy life and that includes healthy relationships with friends. Many kids are naturally social and that is part of what makes them happy. It has nothing to do with short term happiness or some sort of weird vicarious living to experience popularity. We just want well balanced healthy happy kids and this is the age where those practices are fermented for good.

Sixth graders participating in chat groups and text messages sounds like the opposite of a happy, healthy life. It sounds like a machine for creating anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP my child is still in 5th so I suppose that I could eat my words next year but many of my DD behave some ability to text. My daughter has the least ability. However every single parent I know has their child’s device set to only allow pre-approved numbers. If a group text contains exclusively those numbers, it’s allowed. Otherwise it’s blocked. All approved numbers are earned by parents there is no expectation of privacy.

Many parents are trying to navigate this too and view individual or small chats as a good first step while kids learn (like actually believe, not just hearing it in one ear and out the other from their parents) the misunderstandings and drama that people get into via text.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately you cannot remove yourself from a chat group if it is mixed android and apple devices participating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Massive group chats are not meaningful social interactions. Yes, fine and good for sixth-graders to text their buddies to chat or make plans to see each other in person. A chat with the 12 members of a soccer team has a purpose. No, a constant-buzzing 40-person chat is helpful in any way. Teach them to leave or mute it.

Also teach them that everything they write in it is as good as public. They need to know that any member of a groupchat can secretly take screen shots and send them to anyone else in the world. Never write anything that you wouldn't want screen shotted.

Seems like an awful lot to ask. Kids are not that sophisticated. They are going to write some embarrassing shit that will get passed around which they and/or their parents will regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No chat groups. No texting. No phones. Everything is analog. Come back when you're in eighth grade and we'll reconsider.

Yeah, and only churning butter for entertainment, and those awesome little ball and loop toys.

I'm considering giving my 21 year old a rotary phone, but I think those are sent from satan.

Ok, but while your child is staring at her phone for three hours, in tears because someone at school didn't thumbs up her comment, my kids are running around the neighborhood with all their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:remove them before its too late, last year my daughter was in a 5th grade group chat, and the end of the year they all missed 30 minutes of field day for comments they said..

But wasn’t that actually a good lesson to receive? Like if you just avoid tech then you are setting them up to learn that lesson as an adult or older teen when the consequences are much harsher than missing recess. I will never understand parents who think that they can just abstain from the real world and keep their kids in a hermetically sealed environment. It never works and then the kids have no experience of reality to help them navigate life as an 18 year old.