Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

[Anonymous]

Mine notices and takes care of this stuff but he makes well under 100k. Would you prefer my life?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am married to someone like this. We’re actually divorcing, because he perceives me as a mean nag and worse words that I won’t put here. Ironically he is finding the divorce process to be a huge struggle (not unlike some of the wild posts on some of the other boards lately) because he’s expected to actually take care of his own stuff without me noticing it for him.

I brought a lot of assumptions into our marriage because I was raised in a family of blue collar-turned-UMC doers. You didn’t sit down until the very end of the day and then you did with a sense that you had taken care of things or had a good plan for the next day. Light bulbs got replaced, drains unclogged, pants hemmed, socks matched, oil changed, floors mopped, etc without it being a huge fuss- everyone just did the things that needed to get done. I assumed that’s how adults worked. DH and I met in grad school and then he had a travel-intensive job early in our relationship, so that hid a lot of his lack of ability because life was so structured and then he just wasn’t around and/or had hotels/dry cleaners/restaurants doing everything for him.

My takeaway is that everyone should go for a really long camping trip with their intended spouse before things get too far along. Find a situation where they can’t hide their disinterest or inability to do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am married to someone like this. We’re actually divorcing, because he perceives me as a mean nag and worse words that I won’t put here. Ironically he is finding the divorce process to be a huge struggle (not unlike some of the wild posts on some of the other boards lately) because he’s expected to actually take care of his own stuff without me noticing it for him.

I brought a lot of assumptions into our marriage because I was raised in a family of blue collar-turned-UMC doers. You didn’t sit down until the very end of the day and then you did with a sense that you had taken care of things or had a good plan for the next day. Light bulbs got replaced, drains unclogged, pants hemmed, socks matched, oil changed, floors mopped, etc without it being a huge fuss- everyone just did the things that needed to get done. I assumed that’s how adults worked. DH and I met in grad school and then he had a travel-intensive job early in our relationship, so that hid a lot of his lack of ability because life was so structured and then he just wasn’t around and/or had hotels/dry cleaners/restaurants doing everything for him.

My takeaway is that everyone should go for a really long camping trip with their intended spouse before things get too far along. Find a situation where they can’t hide their disinterest or inability to do things.

I relate to this a lot, specifically the very different expectations in our families of origin. When I met DH, he was living alone and while his house wasn't spotless, it wasn't awful. He was also a good cook and maintained a really organized kitchen and this communicated someone who was on top of things to me.

I only learned later how different our upbringings were. He and his brother never had chores and there was just not an ethos of people collectively taking care of the home or their lives. DH did learn some of this in college from peers but it wasn't part of his original education about the world and that's just become more and more apparent as time goes on.

The thing is, it's not that his parents were doing it all for him either. What I've discovered is that his family just let a lot of things go. Stuff would break or wear out and they'd talk about it as bad luck or "oh that brand of appliance is crap" but now I understand -- they just often don't clean things or do maintenance. They don't ever clean out their fridge, they don't sort through laundry and get rid of things with holes or that don't fit anymore. They don't throw things away but also don't fix things or take care of things. I didn't get this because my dad is a bit of a hoarder so I just though this parents were kind of like that too and I didn't really see through the mess to what was underneath, which was just neglect.

My DH has shown more willingness than yours to learning how to maintain a home and a household. Like I said, he picked some things up in college and he took it upon himself to become a good cook and learn how to grocery shop, maintain a kitchen, clean a kitchen properly. It makes a big difference. But it's all adult learning.

Also has his parents have aged I've discovered how hard it is to help elderly people who don't understand how to do maintenance and prevent problems. We've helped them hire people who clean their house and come do regular checks on systems and handyman work, and that helps. But it's so different from my parents, who even as they've aged and can't do all that stuff themselves, understand what needs to be done. Also my parents home was in good shape from years of good maintenance, whereas my ILs have all these major issues that constantly need to be dealt with (especially with their basement and their heating system, both of which should have been addressed years ago). It's so much more work. It has really made me realize what happens when you get behind on some of this.

[Anonymous]

I could have wrote this op. I'm starting to think we don't need these DHs they're dead weight at this point.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better (questionable), my DH is a doer, and spends a lot of time cleaning, working on the yard, maintaining cars, taking care of bills, and otherwise not sitting still. He still has no clue about kids' holey shoes or how to organize literally anything or a piece of trash stuck in the shrubs. He doesn't know when band practice is or our kids friends' names. He can clean the whole kitchen without noticing the grime along the grout or a sticky puddle on the floor. He'll fold three loads of laundry and half of my clothes will be in the kids' laundry baskets, as if he hasn't seen me wear them all week long.

I would be a nag and a taskmaster to harp on this stuff, and there have been many times that I've outright said I'll handle something rather than having to redo something I know he'll mess up. I don't know the permanent solution to this, but the loving detente, if you will, is he has his strengths and weaknesses and I have mine and our responsibilities are divided accordingly. Sometimes one of us still feels grouchy about our load but we talk it through, not always happily.

I love him and I think he's a good person and a good dad. Do you feel that way about your DH? If so, I think you can find a way to communicate what you each can take on so you're not so annoyed all the time. In no way do I want to clean out the gutters or renew car registrations or even think about those things, so I don't have to. Likewise I shield him from class party signup genius, which his brain can't comprehend anyway. Sure it's gendered and cliched but there are other things we each do that aren't as much and we trudge along.

[Anonymous]

Appreciate your contribution to the partnership and your partner's contribution, or split.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both have things that we are in charge of noticing. I’m sorry your marriage is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the feedback on this. I do understand the need to communicate better, but why oh why can't he notice the obvious, like the rotting food in the fridge or the dishes left on the kitchen table all night. I mean, this is his home, too. I have to remind our kid to pick up stuff or clean up his mess because he's, well, a child. But why does a 45 year old man need to be told to initiate a simple action like throwing out the old take-out HE left in the fridge two weeks ago? It's HIS. Are his eyes literally unable to detect the container of festering food on the second shelf?

Let me help you out - he doesn't care. He doesn't care about moldy food in the fridge. YOU care, so you see it, and you do something about it. He. Does. Not. Care.

I'm not saying he's right about not caring, it's just a fact, it's who he is. You can spend the rest of your life banging your head against the wall and being upset that he doesn't care, but it isn't going to make him care.

I don't envy your situation at all and I have immense sympathy for you, but I just think you need to change your mindset. You think you both see the food and realize it needs to be thrown away but in reality, the food just isn't there to him. He doesn't see it. He doesn't care about it.

I couldn't tell you if I tried whether our landscaping is doing well. If there's a dead tree, I have no idea. If there is a hole where a bush was pulled up and something needs to be planted there, I couldn't tell you that. I simply do not care, so I am completely blind when it comes to looking at the landscaping. If my husband were to be upset with me for not caring that we have a missing bush, he's be barking up the wrong tree. Pun intended.

Maybe this will help you, I hope it does. I don't think your situation is hopeless, I just think you need to acknowledge who he is, consider what things you may be able to change, and then decide if you can live with it or not. But trying to make him care is something you need to reserve for the really important items (ones related to your child and your marriage). Let the takeout food go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both have things that we are in charge of noticing. I’m sorry your marriage is different.

Same. I know there are things I don't notice that bug him and vice versa, so we don't tend to get annoyed with each other. The rotten food would drive me crazy though, that's just gross.

[Anonymous]

It almost like you two are distinct separate people (lets take wife/husband and roles out of this) with their own mind, ideas, personalities and tings you place importance on.

I forget, what is the term for someone who: wants the world to run only their way, who cannot see outside their own view of the world, that thinks their way is the right way, that everyone should work on their schedule?

[Anonymous]

If he does things when you ask him to, then I would just divide responsibility that way. You are in charge of noticing stuff and making a list of what needs to be done, and he is in charge of executing the list.
You notice that your kid needs new shoes. He goes out and buys them.

[Anonymous]

Our situation is similar. I’m the only one who notices / cleans / organizes / makes appts / follows up / keeps track etc etc. I was really sick for awhile and couldn’t do any of it and everything became a total sh*t show in our house. And I realized he doesn’t do these things because he does not notice, or care, about these things until something becomes an emergency, and then he’ll do the bare minimum to get back on track. I know he has ADHD so. Try to cut him some slack but it’s hard to be the one who shoulders everything to make a household run smoothly. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our situation is similar. I’m the only one who notices / cleans / organizes / makes appts / follows up / keeps track etc etc. I was really sick for awhile and couldn’t do any of it and everything became a total sh*t show in our house. And I realized he doesn’t do these things because he does not notice, or care, about these things until something becomes an emergency, and then he’ll do the bare minimum to get back on track. I know he has ADHD so. Try to cut him some slack but it’s hard to be the one who shoulders everything to make a household run smoothly. I’m sorry.

Yes. I realized the problem when I had a two week work commitment that meant I couldn't do the noticing/cleaning/organizing for two weeks. It was a total one off thing, never to be repeated (a training I had to do in a nearby city in order to get a certification necessary to take a promotion). DH *still* talks about that two week period, years later, as having "almost broke us." Because I wasn't staying on top of everything and he had to do some of the stuff I do all the time. It totally overwhelmed him.

I've worked in the intervening years to make sure he is more prepared to do that stuff if necessary because it actually scared me about what would happen if I got very sick or something. It's still very unequal, but I will literally say to him "you have to learn how to do this in case I can't" and that freaks him out and he'll do it.

So maybe try reminding him that you might die will help? That's the only thing that seems to have made my DH feel like he has an obligation to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the feedback on this. I do understand the need to communicate better, but why oh why can't he notice the obvious, like the rotting food in the fridge or the dishes left on the kitchen table all night. I mean, this is his home, too. I have to remind our kid to pick up stuff or clean up his mess because he's, well, a child. But why does a 45 year old man need to be told to initiate a simple action like throwing out the old take-out HE left in the fridge two weeks ago? It's HIS. Are his eyes literally unable to detect the container of festering food on the second shelf?

Let me help you out - he doesn't care. He doesn't care about moldy food in the fridge. YOU care, so you see it, and you do something about it. He. Does. Not. Care.

I'm not saying he's right about not caring, it's just a fact, it's who he is. You can spend the rest of your life banging your head against the wall and being upset that he doesn't care, but it isn't going to make him care.

I don't envy your situation at all and I have immense sympathy for you, but I just think you need to change your mindset. You think you both see the food and realize it needs to be thrown away but in reality, the food just isn't there to him. He doesn't see it. He doesn't care about it.

I couldn't tell you if I tried whether our landscaping is doing well. If there's a dead tree, I have no idea. If there is a hole where a bush was pulled up and something needs to be planted there, I couldn't tell you that. I simply do not care, so I am completely blind when it comes to looking at the landscaping. If my husband were to be upset with me for not caring that we have a missing bush, he's be barking up the wrong tree. Pun intended.

Maybe this will help you, I hope it does. I don't think your situation is hopeless, I just think you need to acknowledge who he is, consider what things you may be able to change, and then decide if you can live with it or not. But trying to make him care is something you need to reserve for the really important items (ones related to your child and your marriage). Let the takeout food go.

+1. If it really bothers you OP, you should leave the marriage, because there are other guys who would absolutely notice these things, and take care of them. But then they’d have other problems. You should figure out which problems mean the most to you.

[Anonymous]

I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.