What’s a normal amount of time to check in on kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daily.

Would that be intrusive towards your co-parent? What if the kids are just in their normal daily routine and you know nothing unusual/out of routine is happening? Still check in?

Intrusive. No. These are your kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

I’m also the parent who didn’t move out and who didn’t file. I initiate everything including visitation while we wait for temporary custody arrangements. DH/STBX checks in to say “tell DC good luck at soccer” maybe every two weeks? He never checks in to ask how DC is doing or if homework is done or if they can talk on the phone. I’m surprised by answers suggesting frequent contact is normal and wondering if I’m supposed to facilitate daily contact or if STBX should be trying harder or what.

How old are the kids?

If your kids are old enough to initiate contact (which I assume they are if they have soccer and homework), then I would let them know you are happy to help them whenever they want to initiate, by lending them your phone, or texting to ask if it's a good time to call. If the kid doesn't reach them, I might follow up and say "Kid would like to talk. Here are some times to call them back."

I’m the PP you’re replying to and my kid is 11. My kid doesn’t have a phone but I have made it clear to my STBX that he and I will only communicate via email and that my phone is reserved for DC to FaceTime or text STBX. For the first week or two, DC tried to FaceTime and text STBX but STBX was really slow to respond or always busy or said things that landed badly and made DC feel bad. I would also send times for FaceTiming but STBX was always busy.

So DC doesn’t initiate anymore. Now every two weeks or so it’s just the “hope soccer was good” texts from STBX, which DC doesn’t want to respond to because they’re so bland and vague. I remind STBX every month or so that they can reach DC whenever they want, and I say the same to DC, but it’s dead in the water. It’s sad.

I am the PP. I think that parents who aren't living with their children should initiate. What you describe seems really sad, and I think you and I would agree that your STBX is doing it wrong.

But I don't think that's your issue to solve. If your kid wants to initiate, then I would help them initiate, by letting them use your phone, emailing some times, but it sounds like your kid has gotten the message that communication isn't important to your STBX, and they don't really want to initiate. I would allow them to make that choice.

It takes to to cooperate. If the ex calls and the parent or child will not answer, then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

I’m also the parent who didn’t move out and who didn’t file. I initiate everything including visitation while we wait for temporary custody arrangements. DH/STBX checks in to say “tell DC good luck at soccer” maybe every two weeks? He never checks in to ask how DC is doing or if homework is done or if they can talk on the phone. I’m surprised by answers suggesting frequent contact is normal and wondering if I’m supposed to facilitate daily contact or if STBX should be trying harder or what.

How old are the kids?

If your kids are old enough to initiate contact (which I assume they are if they have soccer and homework), then I would let them know you are happy to help them whenever they want to initiate, by lending them your phone, or texting to ask if it's a good time to call. If the kid doesn't reach them, I might follow up and say "Kid would like to talk. Here are some times to call them back."

I’m the PP you’re replying to and my kid is 11. My kid doesn’t have a phone but I have made it clear to my STBX that he and I will only communicate via email and that my phone is reserved for DC to FaceTime or text STBX. For the first week or two, DC tried to FaceTime and text STBX but STBX was really slow to respond or always busy or said things that landed badly and made DC feel bad. I would also send times for FaceTiming but STBX was always busy.

So DC doesn’t initiate anymore. Now every two weeks or so it’s just the “hope soccer was good” texts from STBX, which DC doesn’t want to respond to because they’re so bland and vague. I remind STBX every month or so that they can reach DC whenever they want, and I say the same to DC, but it’s dead in the water. It’s sad.

I am the PP. I think that parents who aren't living with their children should initiate. What you describe seems really sad, and I think you and I would agree that your STBX is doing it wrong.

But I don't think that's your issue to solve. If your kid wants to initiate, then I would help them initiate, by letting them use your phone, emailing some times, but it sounds like your kid has gotten the message that communication isn't important to your STBX, and they don't really want to initiate. I would allow them to make that choice.

It takes to to cooperate. If the ex calls and the parent or child will not answer, then what?

The question being addressed is what to do when the ex isn’t calling or answering the phone.

If the ex calls and you can answer do. If there is a reason you can’t (e.g. kid isn’t with you) you text to find a time to call. Assuming there aren’t extenuating circumstances.

But that has no bearing on the situation described.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the middle of a challenging divorce so I actually have numbers for you, OP, because I had to pull a bunch of information for legal stuff.

1 DC, late elementary. Sees STBX 1x/week on weekends.

STBX has sent 9 texts to DC in 10 weeks, missed one FaceTime call from DC, and answered one.

STBX has not initiated any phone calls or FaceTimes even though DC has access to a landline that rings in the playroom where they spend most of their time at home and an iPad that they use for FaceTime.

Hopefully that is not normal or typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the middle of a challenging divorce so I actually have numbers for you, OP, because I had to pull a bunch of information for legal stuff.

1 DC, late elementary. Sees STBX 1x/week on weekends.

STBX has sent 9 texts to DC in 10 weeks, missed one FaceTime call from DC, and answered one.

STBX has not initiated any phone calls or FaceTimes even though DC has access to a landline that rings in the playroom where they spend most of their time at home and an iPad that they use for FaceTime.

Hopefully that is not normal or typical.

Most kids don’t have unlimited iPad access or even phone. Make a schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daily.

Would that be intrusive towards your co-parent? What if the kids are just in their normal daily routine and you know nothing unusual/out of routine is happening? Still check in?

I don't think it is intrusive. My plan has that the child can have communication anytime with either parent. In practice, I call briefly each evening dc is at ex's-I text ex first to see if it's a good time to call. The calls are quick-my dc is not a long talker LOL. Ex does not choose to call dc when they are with me (unless we are out of town) although dc has expressed that they prefer to speak to both parents each day. We both are fine with dc using our phones to text us (usually silly gifs) as dc does not have their own phone yet.