Is reconcilation a unicorn?

[Anonymous]

My cheating wife would love to reconcile, but it has been years of wasted effort on my part and wishful thinking on hers. The betrayer needs to do significant work on themselves to even make it worthwhile and for the betrayed the work to fix what they broke feels Herculean.

As soon as I feel comfortable in my shoes, I experience a trigger that makes me want to see some justice in the world. I am starting to think there is no end until I am able to remove her from my life. The kids will suffer when I release my suffering, but I am tired of wishing my investment would pay dividends.

Spoke to a lawyer last week to get the ball rolling, 25 years down the drain, 50 years with little to show for it after the courts are done rewarding my SAHW for properly f’ing me and our family over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I reconciled and he did everything right. Transparency, therapy, etc. This lasted about 2-3 years.

Then he started doing things that weren’t “technically” cheating but pushing the boundaries. Like texting another woman until 2am, but it was never overtly sexual.

He also had very little interest in sex with me.

I saw the writing on the wall and left. I didn’t need to waste my time on someone who was so desperate for female attention he’d lock himself in the bathroom to text all night.

PP, how old were you guys and frequency of sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a woman who posted on here several times about her reconciliation that I think about whenever I see a thread on cheating (yes I read this forum too much).

Her prisoner/husband cheated and then did EVERYTHING she wanted to save the marriage. This means that he quit his job and now works remote, she has full access to his phone at any time, they signed a post-nup agreement, he had a vasectomy I think, therapy, AND he does more chores and she now has free time to herself and there are clear boundaries in the marriage. She insists that they are both so happy now and have regular lunchtime sex and he will be out if he ever cheats again but he never would because he has had therapy and is happy.

Just leave. Just keep your dignity and leave.

There was another one where husband had years of therapy, they "worked'" on the marriage but she won't trust him. I forget the rest but I felt she was just never going to get over it and should have just divorced rather than pretend if he did therapy they would still have a marriage.

Yeah I feel like if the betrayed is treating the cheater like a hostage or rebellious teen, it’s time to do the ultimate act of self care and give up on this person.

[Anonymous]

So the advice is to treat it like Marriage 2.0. Your old marriage is dead and gone. Start from a clean slate. If the betrayed spouse can’t get over what happened then it is what it is, and might be time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people move on or from it and Gabe happy lives.

You only read about the misery here.

[Anonymous]

I’m happy now. But, I have several friends (we are 50s) where spouses were done with marriage. They cheated and wanted out.

My marriage is one of the few that survived. Others did therapy but the spouse had already made up their mind it was done. They tried to get them to reconcile, but they did t want to. It’s sad.

My spouse has since talked to some of these guys to try to talk sense into them, having been there, but didn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the advice is to treat it like Marriage 2.0. Your old marriage is dead and gone. Start from a clean slate. If the betrayed spouse can’t get over what happened then it is what it is, and might be time to move on.

Essentially. I think my marriage wouldn’t have survived if spouse didn’t cheat. It was a wake up call and it wasn’t what they thought.

I think often of that study that says if there’s an undiscovered affair, the marriage is more likely to end in divorce within 5 years vs ones where it’s been disclosed or discovered. I think it really lets you see what is real.

[Anonymous]

65% of people stay together. It’s not a unicorn. People that reconcile almost never disclose to others. Many of your “couple goals” and many of the marriages you envy are marriages that behind doors have dealt with this and come out the other side.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have married her if I knew she was the person I know she is today. Why have marriage 2.0 with a person that could treat me the way she did and treat him the way she promised to treat me. If you can build a new life with someone after they lived a separate life in secret, you are stronger than I even aspire to become. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Honestly, this. Is it possible? yes. Is it likely? not really.

The sort of person who'd cheat in the first place has a LONG way to go if they want to be a higher-integrity human being. If they wanted that, they would've had it from the start. While some people really do just make a catastrophic mistake and then learn from it, many more people lie, manipulate, and pretend to change before reverting right back to the sort of person they were content to be all along.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time." - Maya Angelou

[Anonymous]

Yeah.. No getting over cheating and betrayal
Most won’t admit to that.
Therapy, moving on, 2.0, babysitting a marriage … blahhh blahhh

No thanks on a soiled marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Honestly, this. Is it possible? yes. Is it likely? not really.

The sort of person who'd cheat in the first place has a LONG way to go if they want to be a higher-integrity human being. If they wanted that, they would've had it from the start. While some people really do just make a catastrophic mistake and then learn from it, many more people lie, manipulate, and pretend to change before reverting right back to the sort of person they were content to be all along.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time." - Maya Angelou

Somebody who was monogamous for 20 years is a lot different than somebody who always cheated. They showed they are capable of monogamy. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Your pool for dating in your 40/50/60s is going to basically be non-existent if you eliminate everyone who cheated. Sometimes what you have and built is better than the misfit toys circling the drain in the dating world.

[Anonymous]

Nobody would tell you if they did reconcile, if their spouse ever cheated. Period. Look at the responses on this thread.

It’s such a common thing in a long marriage. Many are in marriages in which they have zero idea their spouse did. Would the marriage suddenly be awful that minute if they found out 10 years ago he/she did if it was a happy family/marriage?

It’s not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Many marriages where nobody mad a “mistake” are miserable. If it’s a good one with lots of love and laughter and close knit kids/family, you like each other—seems like you’d try first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Honestly, this. Is it possible? yes. Is it likely? not really.

The sort of person who'd cheat in the first place has a LONG way to go if they want to be a higher-integrity human being. If they wanted that, they would've had it from the start. While some people really do just make a catastrophic mistake and then learn from it, many more people lie, manipulate, and pretend to change before reverting right back to the sort of person they were content to be all along.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time." - Maya Angelou

Somebody who was monogamous for 20 years is a lot different than somebody who always cheated. They showed they are capable of monogamy. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Your pool for dating in your 40/50/60s is going to basically be non-existent if you eliminate everyone who cheated. Sometimes what you have and built is better than the misfit toys circling the drain in the dating world.

But think about how many boundaries need to be crossed to have an actual affair. Even if the person was ok for 20 years, they spent some amount of time gaslighting and lying to their partner in order to have access to another person. That’s such a violation.

Maybe it’s ok to be single rather than “heal” from something like that. Marriage is ok but I see plenty of single women in my life who are happy and healthy into old age. I’ve dealt with a lot of abusive people in my life and the idea of reconciliation and healing those relationships is so overrated. You can forgive someone without reconciliation. Some relationships just need to end.

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s not.