Divorce during first year of college

[Anonymous]

DH was told by his parents who drove up to his school sophomore year to tell him they were divorcing. He had no idea. Really scarring experience.

[Anonymous]

We waited till the youngest went off to college.

We told them about four years earlier.

We visited together, we attended everything together, when he came home, he stayed in the family home and his room was still there and his dad came over for dinner or they went out to dinner.

We did holidays together and still holidays together.

The reality is a college age student when they’re living with you, they are not spending a lot of time with mom and dad so really was not a big deal.

Home for the holidays is spent either friends. Summers they will and their hours are late (for my child) so he’s off after I go to work and home after dark. Dinner is just a plate waiting for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adding to the chorus of friends of people this happened to. It REALLY messed up my friend. She was totally shocked, felt her childhood was a lie (since it was obvious once it happened that they’d been “staying together for the kids”), and she also felt really guilty (since clearly her parents had been unhappy and tolerating it for her). Plus, the first year of college is a time of HUGE change, and she would come home for breaks and the home and family she’d known were basically just gone. It was so destabilizing, but because you’re an “adult” you kinda just need to deal.

This was when my mom filed, too. It felt like such a betrayal, and obviously one she had been planning for awhile (i.e., her ducks were clearly in a row). Needless to say it has affected our relationship ever since, and we’re approaching the time of year where she is shocked, just shocked that we don’t want her around for the holidays. Like I would expose my kids to that toxicity.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was s freshman in college and it really effed me up. I was a lifelong straight A student and got my first three Cs of my life freshman year because of that. I went away to school and by the time I came home for the holidays, my childhood house was gone and I went "home" to a little house my mom had bought. It still hirts thinking back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's parents did when he was a freshman. It really frucked him up - he felt like his entire childhood had been a lie, and he distrusted both his parents, etc.

It happened to a family friend also. The oldest was a freshman in college and a decade later is still raw about the divorce while the younger sibling is totally ok. He felt like he moved to college and his family broke apart (it did)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's parents did when he was a freshman. It really frucked him up - he felt like his entire childhood had been a lie, and he distrusted both his parents, etc.

It happened to a family friend also. The oldest was a freshman in college and a decade later is still raw about the divorce while the younger sibling is totally ok. He felt like he moved to college and his family broke apart (it did)

OP: in this case, the older one has some idea unfortunately

[Anonymous]

My separated spouse and I are actually working things out now that the kids are off to college. We had been separated for almost 10 years but never dated or saw anyone else. Just buried ourselves in work and kids.
I am pretty convinced that if we didn't separate, we would have ended up hating each other while under the same roof and then divorcing now.
There were family deaths in the past few years. That coupled with the separation - we're different now. I guess more accepting and when family seem to be dying left and right, priorities are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's parents did when he was a freshman. It really frucked him up - he felt like his entire childhood had been a lie, and he distrusted both his parents, etc.

Same with my college roommate. They sprung it on her freshmen year. Her brother was an upperclassmen. They both were really messed up by it. Also, mentioned they felt their childhood was a lie. Dad cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg give me a break op your kid knows your marriage isn’t good

Get a divorce

I was annoyed my parents made us all suffer through their horrible marriage and waited until we were in college to divorce. I have no doubt we would have all been happier if they had done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Dont divorce. Just separate. Kids deserve married parents . Divorce is heartbreaking for kids. Dont be cruel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it's hard, but the kid should be really thankful not to go through 50/50 custody BS. While they may feel untethered, at least they will have a choice of which parent to stay with, completely on their terms, instead of the misery of going back and forth while juggling HS life.

I don’t think custody matters in HS-they can still chose

Until they turn 18 it matters for determining child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont divorce. Just separate. Kids deserve married parents . Divorce is heartbreaking for kids. Dont be cruel

Having gone through this I don't see any benefit to staying married without some sort of solid monetary and safety arrangement that is made legal. In which case you are basically divorced.

My ex came out as gay and dated all around town including some people who appeared dangerous, spending money in places I had no control over. What possible reason should I have had to stay separated but in an open marriage? Either way there would have been problems. I think this is a dream that isnt really well thought out.

[Anonymous]

Where are the stories where kids were happy that they finally divorced? They say it’s hard at any stage.

[Anonymous]

Another one with a college friend whose parents sprung it on him freshman year. It’s not that kids don’t know their parents don’t get along sometimes. It’s that their world and family is made up of a lot more that “is mom or dad emotionally fulfilled”. When parents break up is cracks open the kid’s world. I know that’s hard to hear for people who need to get out of a marriage. And look if there’s abuse you have to get out.

But the people who are like “oh my kid wants to see me happy”…yeah that’s not their priority. If divorce is the least bad choice of all the bad choices, do it. But ask yourself if that’s the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it's hard, but the kid should be really thankful not to go through 50/50 custody BS. While they may feel untethered, at least they will have a choice of which parent to stay with, completely on their terms, instead of the misery of going back and forth while juggling HS life.

I don’t think custody matters in HS-they can still chose

It can matter immensely. My ex remarried and suddenly wanted 50/50 because his new wife wanted to eliminate CS so they could pay for fertility treatments.

Suddenly, he asked to take all of the time that he hadn’t taken in years and we had filled with activities. That’s a huge disruption for teens.

Some judges will listen to a 14-16 year old. Others will say the kid has to tough it out.