Living in a (Big?) Lie for 43 Days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read about something similar here on DCUM before and thought that’s crazy yet this time it’s me doing it. For 43 days I never went to work yet DW never knew or found out about it. She works too but part time so on days she worked I just slept in but made sure I left the house before she got home, and on other days when she’s home I left for nearby McDonald’s and enjoyed my morning coffee and then carried on rest of my day. Then returned home around usual time as before.

No I would not get any ‘back pay’ so next time she checks our bank accounts is when the jig is up. I have no idea what to say. Marriage might be over practically even if she stays.

So yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds people do do this. Just thought I’d share here as a contribution to this wonderful board.

Partner, what you’re describing here? That’s like waking up one morning, looking at your own life, and deciding to just…step off the highway and coast down the service road with the headlights off, hoping nobody notices the dust trail behind you.

Forty-three days of McDonald’s sunrises and pretend commutes? Man, that’s not just a detour, that’s a whole other road trip.

But here’s the thing: the bill always comes due. Not just the money kind, but the soul kind. And right now, you’re sitting at the table looking at a tab you don’t really wanna pick up.

You’re scared your marriage might be over. I hear that. But brother, the only way you get through this...the only way...is by taking all that fear, all that shame, all that secret-McMuffin energy, and walking up to her with the truth. Not the polished truth. Not the “here’s how I spin this so I look a little better” truth. The real, messy, human truth. The kind that comes from deep in the chest.

You tell her what happened. Why it happened. What you’ve been holding inside that made you sit in that booth for forty-three mornings instead of asking for help. And then you stand there. You breathe. You wait.

She might cry. She might yell. She might need time. But you give her honesty now, and you at least give your marriage a chance to be built on something sturdier than a Filet-O-Fish and a lie.

And hey, life’s not over, man. You hit a wall. Happens to a lot more folks than you think. What matters is how you walk back from it.

So dust yourself off, partner. Time to take the wheel again.

[Anonymous]

Wait so have you been looking for a job during these 43 days or just doing nothing??? Here’s what you need to do within the day:

1. Make a plan for applying for new jobs (will send out X applications per day or per week).

2. Outline the house work or child care you can help with while you are out of work.

3. Apologize profusely. Tell her everything, including two above items and ask for input. If you are bad at communicating, write it down in a letter and give it to her and sit with her and answer her questions. Do not be defensive. I repeat. Do not be defensive. Apologize and take ownership of what you do.

4. Discuss with her if you can pick up a part time job while you job hunt or if it’s better to focus on the job hunt. This is a joint decision.

5. Do better. Do not let the unemployment paralyze you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about something similar here on DCUM before and thought that’s crazy yet this time it’s me doing it. For 43 days I never went to work yet DW never knew or found out about it. She works too but part time so on days she worked I just slept in but made sure I left the house before she got home, and on other days when she’s home I left for nearby McDonald’s and enjoyed my morning coffee and then carried on rest of my day. Then returned home around usual time as before.

No I would not get any ‘back pay’ so next time she checks our bank accounts is when the jig is up. I have no idea what to say. Marriage might be over practically even if she stays.

So yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds people do do this. Just thought I’d share here as a contribution to this wonderful board.

Partner, what you’re describing here? That’s like waking up one morning, looking at your own life, and deciding to just…step off the highway and coast down the service road with the headlights off, hoping nobody notices the dust trail behind you.

Forty-three days of McDonald’s sunrises and pretend commutes? Man, that’s not just a detour, that’s a whole other road trip.

But here’s the thing: the bill always comes due. Not just the money kind, but the soul kind. And right now, you’re sitting at the table looking at a tab you don’t really wanna pick up.

You’re scared your marriage might be over. I hear that. But brother, the only way you get through this...the only way...is by taking all that fear, all that shame, all that secret-McMuffin energy, and walking up to her with the truth. Not the polished truth. Not the “here’s how I spin this so I look a little better” truth. The real, messy, human truth. The kind that comes from deep in the chest.

You tell her what happened. Why it happened. What you’ve been holding inside that made you sit in that booth for forty-three mornings instead of asking for help. And then you stand there. You breathe. You wait.

She might cry. She might yell. She might need time. But you give her honesty now, and you at least give your marriage a chance to be built on something sturdier than a Filet-O-Fish and a lie.

And hey, life’s not over, man. You hit a wall. Happens to a lot more folks than you think. What matters is how you walk back from it.

So dust yourself off, partner. Time to take the wheel again.

I think I love you

[Anonymous]

OP if you aren't collecting unemployment I would kick your tush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you aren't collecting unemployment I would kick your tush.

been trying since early oct unsuccessfully. somehow DC DOES system couldn't find my wage info by employer EIN or name, even with W-2 and paystubs submitted yet two appeals went no where. waiting on a hearing appt now.

[Anonymous]

Ok at least you are trying. No kicking. Is your employer a weird small business? How long had you been there, had they done a W-2 last year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait so have you been looking for a job during these 43 days or just doing nothing??? Here’s what you need to do within the day:

1. Make a plan for applying for new jobs (will send out X applications per day or per week).

2. Outline the house work or child care you can help with while you are out of work.

3. Apologize profusely. Tell her everything, including two above items and ask for input. If you are bad at communicating, write it down in a letter and give it to her and sit with her and answer her questions. Do not be defensive. I repeat. Do not be defensive. Apologize and take ownership of what you do.

4. Discuss with her if you can pick up a part time job while you job hunt or if it’s better to focus on the job hunt. This is a joint decision.

5. Do better. Do not let the unemployment paralyze you.

been trying the entire time. okay maybe not everyday coz it's incredibly frustrating. got one intv 30 days in for a very good opening through a friend but didn't get to 2nd round unfortunately. finally on day 40-ish got an offer for retail like position - part time super low pay no benefit but i took it. had to. onboarded on day 43.

one DD in HS so not much help needed. kinda felt bad i didn't cook more. know i could have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok at least you are trying. No kicking. Is your employer a weird small business? How long had you been there, had they done a W-2 last year?

nope. i know for certain a couple my coworkers got UI fine. honestly i was shocked the system couldn't find it. no idea how that's even possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about something similar here on DCUM before and thought that’s crazy yet this time it’s me doing it. For 43 days I never went to work yet DW never knew or found out about it. She works too but part time so on days she worked I just slept in but made sure I left the house before she got home, and on other days when she’s home I left for nearby McDonald’s and enjoyed my morning coffee and then carried on rest of my day. Then returned home around usual time as before.

No I would not get any ‘back pay’ so next time she checks our bank accounts is when the jig is up. I have no idea what to say. Marriage might be over practically even if she stays.

So yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds people do do this. Just thought I’d share here as a contribution to this wonderful board.

Partner, what you’re describing here? That’s like waking up one morning, looking at your own life, and deciding to just…step off the highway and coast down the service road with the headlights off, hoping nobody notices the dust trail behind you.

Forty-three days of McDonald’s sunrises and pretend commutes? Man, that’s not just a detour, that’s a whole other road trip.

But here’s the thing: the bill always comes due. Not just the money kind, but the soul kind. And right now, you’re sitting at the table looking at a tab you don’t really wanna pick up.

You’re scared your marriage might be over. I hear that. But brother, the only way you get through this...the only way...is by taking all that fear, all that shame, all that secret-McMuffin energy, and walking up to her with the truth. Not the polished truth. Not the “here’s how I spin this so I look a little better” truth. The real, messy, human truth. The kind that comes from deep in the chest.

You tell her what happened. Why it happened. What you’ve been holding inside that made you sit in that booth for forty-three mornings instead of asking for help. And then you stand there. You breathe. You wait.

She might cry. She might yell. She might need time. But you give her honesty now, and you at least give your marriage a chance to be built on something sturdier than a Filet-O-Fish and a lie.

And hey, life’s not over, man. You hit a wall. Happens to a lot more folks than you think. What matters is how you walk back from it.

So dust yourself off, partner. Time to take the wheel again.

Preachhhhhhh!

[Anonymous]

That fact that you were too scared to tell your wife means the marriage is already in trouble. When someone keeps secrets because they are scared of their spouse and how they will react, your marriage is already on shaky ground. Is this a healthy marriage for you?

Why is your wife only working part time? She can’t really hold it against you if she also isn’t working some days.

Do you want to save this marriage? I think there are a lot of deeper issues. Is she a supportive and caring partner who steps up? Does she have your back? Does she work to find ways to reduce your stress? What has happened that has led to this fear of her reaction? Is it deeply entrenched gender norm? Previous reactions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about something similar here on DCUM before and thought that’s crazy yet this time it’s me doing it. For 43 days I never went to work yet DW never knew or found out about it. She works too but part time so on days she worked I just slept in but made sure I left the house before she got home, and on other days when she’s home I left for nearby McDonald’s and enjoyed my morning coffee and then carried on rest of my day. Then returned home around usual time as before.

No I would not get any ‘back pay’ so next time she checks our bank accounts is when the jig is up. I have no idea what to say. Marriage might be over practically even if she stays.

So yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds people do do this. Just thought I’d share here as a contribution to this wonderful board.

Partner, what you’re describing here? That’s like waking up one morning, looking at your own life, and deciding to just…step off the highway and coast down the service road with the headlights off, hoping nobody notices the dust trail behind you.

Forty-three days of McDonald’s sunrises and pretend commutes? Man, that’s not just a detour, that’s a whole other road trip.

But here’s the thing: the bill always comes due. Not just the money kind, but the soul kind. And right now, you’re sitting at the table looking at a tab you don’t really wanna pick up.

You’re scared your marriage might be over. I hear that. But brother, the only way you get through this...the only way...is by taking all that fear, all that shame, all that secret-McMuffin energy, and walking up to her with the truth. Not the polished truth. Not the “here’s how I spin this so I look a little better” truth. The real, messy, human truth. The kind that comes from deep in the chest.

You tell her what happened. Why it happened. What you’ve been holding inside that made you sit in that booth for forty-three mornings instead of asking for help. And then you stand there. You breathe. You wait.

She might cry. She might yell. She might need time. But you give her honesty now, and you at least give your marriage a chance to be built on something sturdier than a Filet-O-Fish and a lie.

And hey, life’s not over, man. You hit a wall. Happens to a lot more folks than you think. What matters is how you walk back from it.

So dust yourself off, partner. Time to take the wheel again.

I think I love you

I know, me too. He needs to post more of his warm, masculine Esquire-esque thoughts on these boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That fact that you were too scared to tell your wife means the marriage is already in trouble. When someone keeps secrets because they are scared of their spouse and how they will react, your marriage is already on shaky ground. Is this a healthy marriage for you?

Why is your wife only working part time? She can’t really hold it against you if she also isn’t working some days.

Do you want to save this marriage? I think there are a lot of deeper issues. Is she a supportive and caring partner who steps up? Does she have your back? Does she work to find ways to reduce your stress? What has happened that has led to this fear of her reaction? Is it deeply entrenched gender norm? Previous reactions?

all good questions but the answer to all is yeah marriage is already on shaky ground

btw lied again yesterday she never ever ever asked about my paychecks far as i could remember but out of nowhere asked if i got paid last Fri. had to lie and said accounting said some system issues and might be delayed till Tue. hopefully she'll forget about this until after thanksgiving. ha.

[Anonymous]

You're being a selfish POS. I grew up with a volatile mom and know what it's like to want to hide things because of how things are going to play out. So I am sympathetic to that. But you know who is going to suffer when all of this comes out? Your daughter. You think your wife is going to make home life a happy environment when your lies come out? Think about how stressful the situation will be for your child. It's to to buck up and come clean now. It's not about you, it's about your kid.

[Anonymous]

Wait - were you fired or just stopped going to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That fact that you were too scared to tell your wife means the marriage is already in trouble. When someone keeps secrets because they are scared of their spouse and how they will react, your marriage is already on shaky ground. Is this a healthy marriage for you?

Why is your wife only working part time? She can’t really hold it against you if she also isn’t working some days.

Do you want to save this marriage? I think there are a lot of deeper issues. Is she a supportive and caring partner who steps up? Does she have your back? Does she work to find ways to reduce your stress? What has happened that has led to this fear of her reaction? Is it deeply entrenched gender norm? Previous reactions?

all good questions but the answer to all is yeah marriage is already on shaky ground

btw lied again yesterday she never ever ever asked about my paychecks far as i could remember but out of nowhere asked if i got paid last Fri. had to lie and said accounting said some system issues and might be delayed till Tue. hopefully she'll forget about this until after thanksgiving. ha.

How are bills being paid?