Resistance is Futile

[Anonymous]

I've never force my parents to do anything. I am supportive, will talk to doctors and reinforce what they are supposed to be doing. I'll facilitate getting equipment or moving if necessary. But I don't force anyone. They are adults, they have to make these choices.

Of course, if there is mental decline it's different. But even in that situation, you can't force them to do PT or eat differently. You can can force them into assisted living that will support them in their mental state, and those facilities are better equipped to convince people in various states of dementia to do basic things required for their survival.

But at the end of the day, your parent gets to decide. If they don't want to eat nourishing food, you can't force feed them. If they refuse to do PT to rehab an injury, you can't physically force them. You do have to accept that they will make some of these choices themselves and you just have to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you just give up on cajoling someone who is basically a sack of bones into trying a bit harder? To do the physical therapy, to eat a real meal, etc. and when do you just realize that the end is creeping up and has to arrive somehow? Has anyone gotten an elderly person to get BETTER in any way? Or is it only an inevitable decline?

You answered it yourself, OP. Inevitable decline.

One of the things that comes up a lot in this forum is that the elderly family member declines, doesn't do anything to try to improve, but then complains/blames their children for the situation. That's even worse, IMO. If your sack of bones is otherwise fine, let them be.

[Anonymous]

I think you can make a comment about any issues once or twice, but then you have to let it go. People have to want to take care of themselves. If they don't have that motivation, just let them be. People are allowed to make their own choices, even if we might think they are bad ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My goal with elder care is to help the person feel secure and like themselves as much as possible. Being strong enough to manage daily activities is certainly a big factor for that so pushing hard on physical therapy might be worthwhile. Or not. If the reason they’re not doing that stuff is because they’re depressed, maybe focus on that.

This is an excellent goal!

So kind! Everyone should be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t reverse time. Give them an Ensure and them be.

This. If they aren't motivated, an Ensure is better than nothing. They might die sooner rather than later, but it's amazing how long some people can live on ensure alone.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in a similar place of decline (mid-80s), and a palliative care doctor (a friend, not their doctor yet), said to me:

As long as they are still in charge, there's nothing you can make them do. You can be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in a similar place of decline (mid-80s), and a palliative care doctor (a friend, not their doctor yet), said to me:

As long as they are still in charge, there's nothing you can make them do. You can be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart

++++++1

[Anonymous]

I have seen both grandparents and parents reach a point where they just gave up. I wanted them to keep fighting but I couldn’t make them. They were all very determined throughout their lives up to that point but old age and illness wore them down. Made me realize that someday I will be there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in a similar place of decline (mid-80s), and a palliative care doctor (a friend, not their doctor yet), said to me:

As long as they are still in charge, there's nothing you can make them do. You can be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart

I found this was absolutely true.

The only thing you can do is keep yourself in good shape so you can deal with the inevitable.

[Anonymous]

My remaining parent has taken great pride in not exercising and in eating lots of sugar.

This is their choice to do.