People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

So I generally have a good balance with most friends. But there was one that got out whack at one point. She was hosting my kid way more than I'd host hers. The main reason was that her kid didn't listen and was often openly defiant directly to me when asked to stop doing something. Any other friend I could have over to our house and just generally trust they'd do kid stuff and play and then go home. This kid? I couldn't trust and I didn't want him in my house.

Out of the many many children I've come in contact with, he was the only problem child. And yes his mom was part of the problem too, because anytime he'd get in trouble it was NEVER his fault, always the adult "having it out for him". After I caught on I stepped way back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all know some parents who are only comfortable with the kids going to their house. They do it well. But often they are just more rigid and are too anxious for the more casual environment at the home of others.

This is like the opposite of what OP is describing…?

NP. I think this poster is saying some people go out of their way to do more because they don’t want their kid(s) going to other kids houses

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a big house and my best friend lived in tiny apartment. We spent every single day together, and most of them at my house because there was lots to and explore. Her parents loved me like their own child, and I didn’t care that we spent most of the time at my house. I’m so thankful my mom didn’t complain once about hosting and to this day that friendship is so precious to me.

[Anonymous]

I do not think it is transactional to notice patterns of effort. It is not about expecting payback. It is about how the relationship feels on the giving side.

Hosting is easy for some, which is great. For many parents, though, the planning, supervising, cleaning, and rearranging schedules is real work. When one family hosts repeatedly and the other never takes any initiative, even in small or simple ways, it can begin to feel imbalanced. This can happen even when the non-hosting family is not doing anything intentionally wrong.

Reciprocity does not mean keeping score or asking for identical invitations. It can be something small, like offering the next hangout, inviting the child to the park, giving a ride, or simply showing that the relationship involves effort from both sides.

If someone notices that they are always the one who steps up, it is not unhealthy or transactional to think about that. It is simply an attempt to make sure the dynamic feels mutual rather than one-sided.

Different families have different capacities, and that is completely valid. Mutual effort in whatever form each family can manage is what keeps relationships feeling respectful and sustainable.

[Anonymous]

A lot of families who do not reciprocate are not being rude on purpose. They genuinely do not sense the imbalance. There are a few psychological reasons for that.

Some people assume that if accepting invitations feels effortless to them, hosting must feel effortless to everyone else too. They do not track the invisible work involved, because they are not doing it.

Others grew up in families where reciprocity was never modeled, so it does not register as a social norm. They do not automatically think, "I should offer something back." It is simply not part of how they see relationships.

Some people avoid hosting because of anxiety, insecurity, or feeling overwhelmed. To protect their self-image, they convince themselves that hosting does not matter or that the hosting parent must enjoy it anyway. This is not intentional taking. It is a blind spot.

And for many people, silence gets interpreted as satisfaction. If the hosting parent never signals that it is a lot of work, they assume everything is fine and balanced.

None of this excuses chronic taking. It just explains why some people truly do not understand the importance of reciprocation in any form. Mutual effort keeps a relationship feeling respectful, but not everyone is wired to notice that naturally.

[Anonymous]

I have serious health issues. I will not have some kids over because the parents think nothing of sending the kid sick when I specifically ask them to keep sick kids home and it’s months of misery and rounds of antibiotics and steroids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have serious health issues. I will not have some kids over because the parents think nothing of sending the kid sick when I specifically ask them to keep sick kids home and it’s months of misery and rounds of antibiotics and steroids.

But you don't seem to care if your kid gets sick from going over to their house with a sick kid and subsequently risking you getting sick?

I think your mind is trying to make excuses to shield you.

[Anonymous]

You want my kid to come over? Fine, I will make the effort to bring him. I don't really want yours to come over though, I'm busy and not looking for more work. Plus my kids can occupy themselves. I just don't think of it.

[Anonymous]

I will say some of it is my husband. He gets very stressed with kids/teens at the house, so we host less. I try to make it up in other ways (mostly by offering to drive whenever possible, like late-night pickups from school events).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want my kid to come over? Fine, I will make the effort to bring him. I don't really want yours to come over though, I'm busy and not looking for more work. Plus my kids can occupy themselves. I just don't think of it.

This. I think of it, but after working 50+ hours a week and parenting my kids, on the weekends, I have to catch up on laundry, groceries, and meals for the week ahead, and hosting a playdate is low on my priority list. I'm thankful for the invites, but I am drowning in life right now and can't plan for kids coming over. If we didn't both have to work, it would be easier, but we can't afford for one of us to quit.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, Im just happy to have the connection to the other parents to know what is going on in their house of vice versa. I think by HS so much of it is kid is out of my house and turning a blind eye not asking questions about what is going on in the other house.

That is more important to me than reciprocating invites etc

[Anonymous]

This is a recurring DCUM topic every few months.
Personally, I’m a giver more than taker. Kids are college & HS now, so far less parental involvement.
I lump into 4 groups
“Eager” giver – always hosting or arranging things.
“I can’t host but will help” giver who plans meet ups at places, give kids rides to events, offers to bring snacks, etc.
“Give & Take –er” – sometimes they host, sometimes they help, sometimes they just drop and run.
“Taker” – never hosts, never helps, just drop & run.
For the eager givers – realize sometimes it is over the top, and that you might be inadvertently setting the bar so high that other people will just stop trying.
Takers – offer to help. Even just a little – “would you like me to bring snacks? Can I pick Larlo up along the way since I’m driving by his neighborhood?”
You do you. Don’t resent the takers – either accept they are takers & keep inviting or simply drop them off the list of people you invite. I know – it is hard when your kids are good friends.
I don’t view this as transactional – I think in healthy friendships there should be both give & take. If there is never any reciprocation at any level (e.g. – offering to bring snacks or drive), I can see why someone will start thinking the friendship is lopsided and resent the takers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say some of it is my husband. He gets very stressed with kids/teens at the house, so we host less. I try to make it up in other ways (mostly by offering to drive whenever possible, like late-night pickups from school events).

+1

Exact same. My husband too.

I’ve always reciprocated by doing a disproportionate share of the driving. I WFH and have a relatively flexible schedule.

[Anonymous]

For the past few years, my kids have been invited to someone else house for playdate maybe once and some birthday parties. I don't know the rule here. If a family invite my kid to their house for playdate ONCE, do they families expect me to host playdates as well either in our messy house or plan something outside NEXT as my turn to reciprocate? The playdates ended in so so and my kids have mixed feelings with the other kids.

We only do big birthday party for each kid once every few years, and we celebrate with family members only for other years. When I ask my kid who should be on guest list, and they tell me that some kids they don't really play with even though they attend their birthday party which invite the full class. So, we can't reciprocate to invite a few kids on birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Stop offering to have the kid over or drive if it annoys you that the other family is not reciprocating. This isn't hard. You can be upset by it but you have the ability to not have the kid over or drive or do whatever.

We invited over the kids DS asked to invite over. Sometimes we drove them places. It was not a big deal to us. A few people were using us, they would ask if we would watch their kid when they had something to do. If we were free and DS was ok with having a long playdate, we said yes but we got tired of being used for babysitting, so we stopped saying yes.