How to handle this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone to the friends on a different day and let him use the car. I’m too cheap for uber..

This. Your DH already had an appointment and was planning on driving. Why would you ask him to change his already planned day for a social visit?

We used to have one car, back before the days of Uber!
We used Zipcar, our feet, and public transit. About 8 months in we decided it was just not doable, even with DH able to walk to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I share a car. He WFH and I was recently laid off and staying home with our toddler while I job hunt. Today a friend invited us over for the day and I asked my husband if he would take an Uber to his eye doctor appointment, which was scheduled at noon. He freaked out and said a bunch of hurtful things, including “you’re ridiculous” and “you don’t listen to me.” Maybe it doesn’t sound like much but it hurt me a lot, and I cried. This was an overreaction, no? How do I address?

Doctor appointments take priority over "job hunting". Anyone should know this. He needed the car for reliable transport, and not relying on sketchy Uber tweakers.

You were in the wrong. He felt your selfish behavior was hurtful. You need to make it up to him.

Uber is probably more dependable than most of the people on this forum. Husband is a whiny baby. Personally I would take a uber instead of talking to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I share a car. He WFH and I was recently laid off and staying home with our toddler while I job hunt. Today a friend invited us over for the day and I asked my husband if he would take an Uber to his eye doctor appointment, which was scheduled at noon. He freaked out and said a bunch of hurtful things, including “you’re ridiculous” and “you don’t listen to me.” Maybe it doesn’t sound like much but it hurt me a lot, and I cried. This was an overreaction, no? How do I address?

He was overreacting. However why didn't you take a Uber?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk. You’re home with the toddler and taking the toddler to your friends? I would tell DH to uber for sure. Mom and toddler need the car more than an adult man who can easily uber.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk. You’re home with the toddler and taking the toddler to your friends? I would tell DH to uber for sure. Mom and toddler need the car more than an adult man who can easily uber.

This

No that is not right. First, he already planned to drive. He might have scheduled his work calls around that. Sometimes uber takes 15-20 min to arrive so personal car is way more time efficient when you have limited time away from work.

OP is not right for throwing him this tantrum. She could have scheduled that friend for another day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I share a car. He WFH and I was recently laid off and staying home with our toddler while I job hunt. Today a friend invited us over for the day and I asked my husband if he would take an Uber to his eye doctor appointment, which was scheduled at noon. He freaked out and said a bunch of hurtful things, including “you’re ridiculous” and “you don’t listen to me.” Maybe it doesn’t sound like much but it hurt me a lot, and I cried. This was an overreaction, no? How do I address?

Doctor appointments take priority over "job hunting". Anyone should know this. He needed the car for reliable transport, and not relying on sketchy Uber tweakers.

You were in the wrong. He felt your selfish behavior was hurtful. You need to make it up to him.

Uber is probably more dependable than most of the people on this forum. Husband is a whiny baby. Personally I would take a uber instead of talking to him.

So then spoiled OP should have taken Uber according to you and it's her fault? Nice take.

[Anonymous]

Either of you could take an Uber, but with a toddler it’s better to have your own car with the car seat, etc. Having one car means sometimes someone jumps into a Uber. It’s not a big deal unless you live in the boonies.

Your DH overreacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Overreaction on both of your parts. You’re probably both stressed from the job loss. I’m sorry. Try to go easy on him, and ask for the same grace from him. This didn’t have to turn into a big deal; no one had to be right or wrong. Good luck on the job hunt.

+1 Thanks for the voice of reason (and for not shaming OP for being laid off, geez).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’ve got a major communication problem. He’s got a point that you don’t listen to him considering your post doesn’t even say WHY he was mad. Does he think Ubers are unreliable for a medical appointment? Was it his preference to drive? Did he feel like he had “dibs” on the car since he scheduled his appointment first? Or because his thing was necessary and yours was fun? Is he worried about money and doesn’t want to waste it on Ubers? Is he upset that you’re visiting friends instead of job hunting? Would Ubering take longer and cause him to miss more work? What was his actual problem or concern? So that’s step one - figure out why he was mad, and address it.

Step two, once that’s addressed, is to talk to him about how he talks to you. Freaking out and saying hurtful things is not an appropriate way to respond to a reasonable suggestion, no matter his reasoning.

So it sounds like you need to work on listening, and he needs to work on his tone and how he talks to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you pulled your toddler out of childcare? Maybe he thinks you aren't planning to go back to work and are just planning on a life of lunching and having he car while he works and tries to fit in appointments etc.

This is OP and this is definitely not the plan. I am job hunting like a maniac. We pulled the baby out of daycare to save $$ while I get a new job, knowing it will likely take several months. I was just trying to get our kid (and me) out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far is each person going? Uber is expensive and when you are down an income, you can't be using Uber all the time. It adds up. If your lunch was a lot closer, you should have been the one to Uber.

Maybe he had just squeezed the appointment in between work commitments and the need to wait for an Uber and not have any control over your transportation threw him off. Uber can easily take twice as long as driving yourself.

His appointment was about 15 minutes away, my friend lives over an hour away. I just asked him. I still don’t think calling me “ridiculous” is a fair or kind response. But I am open to the feedback I’m reading here.

[Anonymous]

OP again. The point of this post isn’t to debate the facts of what happened, it’s more - how do I respond to what felt like a gross overreaction to a *question*? I burst into tears because of how angry he got and the things he said to me, and how quickly. I’m already feeling down - I don’t have much community, I feel very isolated, and I’m really freaking out about getting a new job. He knows this.

We barely spoke yesterday and I slept in another room last night. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t even feel safe talking to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. The point of this post isn’t to debate the facts of what happened, it’s more - how do I respond to what felt like a gross overreaction to a *question*? I burst into tears because of how angry he got and the things he said to me, and how quickly. I’m already feeling down - I don’t have much community, I feel very isolated, and I’m really freaking out about getting a new job. He knows this.

We barely spoke yesterday and I slept in another room last night. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t even feel safe talking to him.

You say he's over reacting but you are too. You both seem to have a poor grasp on your emotions and modeling healthy emotional responses.

[Anonymous]

If it’s an eye appt he shouldn’t be driving, as they’ll likely dilate his eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. The point of this post isn’t to debate the facts of what happened, it’s more - how do I respond to what felt like a gross overreaction to a *question*? I burst into tears because of how angry he got and the things he said to me, and how quickly. I’m already feeling down - I don’t have much community, I feel very isolated, and I’m really freaking out about getting a new job. He knows this.

We barely spoke yesterday and I slept in another room last night. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t even feel safe talking to him.

Sounds like you both got very emotional and had a quick reaction to the other. He may be freaking out about things too. He isn’t feeling listened to.

And you saying you don’t feel safe talking to him because he expressed emotion and frustration about not feeling heard is ridiculous. Clearly there is a lot more than the Uber ride going on underneath for him. You saying he knows how badly you are feeling but you don’t seem to have noticed the same about him. Turning yourself into a victim over this is quite manipulative.