If you have successful well adjusted adult children, what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

As a successful, well-adjusted person with terrible parents, I’m sorry but this is genetic luck of the draw plus basic financial comfort.

[Anonymous]

Genetics. I did absolutely nothing to make them the way they are. I wasn't even around lots of times.
They would have turned out great in any decent family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I know this is sometimes controversial, but I believe being a stay at home parent keeps you on top of what's going on in their lives. That plus, prayer and luck.

Being around definately matters. You can both work and still do that, but not if you are both in high powered, long hours jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

[Anonymous]

The best you can do as a parent is to help your child live up to their natural ability. You can't make them into something that they're not. But you can screw them up big time if you do things wrong. No pressure.

Kid #1 - got lucky. He's an easygoing kid, smart, happy, good relationships with adults and peers, very responsible and trustworthy. Which meant we gave him all kinds of independence growing up. Which gave him confidence and a sense of personal responsibility. Which led to us giving him even more independence and responsibility. Etc.

Kid #2 - TBD, not an adult yet. Very different from Kid #1. More likely to take risks, which means we have more oversight and monitors in place. Smarter than I'd like to admit, so he has the ability to get around most controls we put in place if he really wants to. We're trying to find the balance of controls that keep him generally in line, without being so overcontrolling that he rebels and starts sneaking around. I'll let you know if a few years how it turned out.

One real key is to keep them busy. A bored teenager never led to any good.

[Anonymous]

I give all the credit to my adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Beats me. I was a teenage mom, unmarried, in an abusive relationship, etc. Sometimes it just works out, or it’s the kids, not the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a successful, well-adjusted person with terrible parents, I’m sorry but this is genetic luck of the draw plus basic financial comfort.

As a parent of twins, I second this, coming from a different perspective. My kids are vastly different people, raised in the same house with the same values, broad childhood experiences/exposures, and financial situations. They're only 20, so hopefully in a few more years I'll say they're both well adjusted adults, but right now, I'd only wager a large bet on one of them. I don't know what I did right, and I don't know what I did wrong, so I'm accepting neither blame nor credit.

[Anonymous]

Looking back I made a bunch of mistakes. I had a demanding job and often did for them instead of making them do for themselves for the sake of time as one example of what I should have done differently. But they launched great and we are very close. So I’d say it is much more on them than the parenting. Just try your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give all the credit to my adult kids.

This!

[Anonymous]

People have free will and make choices. No one's life is solely determined by how they were parented.

[Anonymous]

Lots of hugs and good nutrition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the arena of a birds eye view- looking at my own adult kids, my friend's adult kids and hundreds of young adults whom I've taught as young adults, and many that I've taught when they were children and have now grown.

Here's the basic which we all know:
Don't enable
Don't helicopter
Don't yell too much (you will yell sometimes). Don't abuse your kids. That should go without saying.
Make sure they are held accountable for their actions, make sure they participate in household chores.
Teach how to be considerate and polite. It does have to be taught.
Encourage, don't force
Try not to get all involved in the competition- the sports, the college game, the things, the clothes...etc.
Tone down the materialism.
Enjoy your family.


Now, Here's the real stuff:
All people come with their own DNA- their personality, behavior, quirks, etc , are really just theirs. We have only so much control over who they end up being. We can provide a path, but they are the driver. It's not all about parenting. And that is everyone.

This is great advice. I say this as the parent of three young adults who are making their way in the world (cue Cheers theme song), encountering some bumps here and there, and learning from them. For now at least, they have found work that is meaningful to them, friends and love. My husband and I feel fortunate to have them in our lives. The only thing I would add to this list is to show your kids that you believe in them, even when they make mistakes. Oh, and ask them to be there for each other because we're not going to be around forever.

[Anonymous]

I agree with so many of the comments above, about giving them responsibility and boundaries. I also think an important component is to let them face (age-appropriate) adversity and disappointment. For little kids, that’s doing stuff like going shopping for a friend’s birthday present without buying anything for them. (Sure, you’re going to have to explain this about 482 times, before, during and after. But it will eventually get better.) For tweens, it’s not engineering an even better, more stupendous, 100x more fabulous experience when they’re not invited to a popular sleepover. Just give them a hug, a hot chocolate and a sympathetic ear, as many times as necessary. For teens, have them get a sucky, low-wage, crazy-manager hourly job. And then teach them how to quit (professionally) and how to talk about Job #1 to Job #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I know this is sometimes controversial, but I believe being a stay at home parent keeps you on top of what's going on in their lives. That plus, prayer and luck.

Nope
Bye Ma’am

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