FIL Critiques

[Anonymous]

Interesting. We will think about it. Have a chip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

Agreed. He’ll never change. It’s hard to laugh about it when I see my husband get so upset. FIL has never had a real conversation with him, ever. It’s all unwanted “critiques” and long monologues that center around himself. I personally just think he’s a socially awkward blowhard (potentially high functioning autism?) but I don’t want him to feel rejected by us either. I think we are one of the last places where he is welcome. My husband says every time he’ll try to have a real conversation but it won’t happen. Very sad. Also very, very annoying.

Same poster you responded to. So now it depends on how much emotional coaching you want to do for your husband. I would be talking to my hsuband about how his dad won’t change and he needs to not let it bother him.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH need to make a bet on how quickly and how often into the weekend your FIL will critique your home. All you will have to do is raise your eyebrow at your DH to diffuse the situation. When all else fails, tell him you are saving for college. Remind FIL that Harvard costs $95K a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

Honestly thank you for sharing. I sometimes feel very alone in this! Yes it could be worse regarding in laws but it’s SO ANNOYING to feel like someone is judging everything and finding fault all the time!

I have so much more! They bought a bed topper without mentioning it to me. It showed up on our doorstep randomly, to make the bed more comfortable. A bed I special ordered to their specifications because MIL requires a firm mattress. She picked out that one herself, and then didn’t like it. The bed is never right even if they personally choose it.

FIL once rudely insulted my handyman for putting a dent in the barn when my husband had done it. My handyman was ready to quit and that would have been catastrophic for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

Agreed. He’ll never change. It’s hard to laugh about it when I see my husband get so upset. FIL has never had a real conversation with him, ever. It’s all unwanted “critiques” and long monologues that center around himself. I personally just think he’s a socially awkward blowhard (potentially high functioning autism?) but I don’t want him to feel rejected by us either. I think we are one of the last places where he is welcome. My husband says every time he’ll try to have a real conversation but it won’t happen. Very sad. Also very, very annoying.

If he's autistic he needs to be told directly by your husband that his critiques are annoying and rude and he should do his best to not say them. Autistic people generally do not understand roundabout expressions. I suspect your FIL knows on some level that he's annoying, but he doesn't know how else to relate to people. He also thinks he's being helpful.

[Anonymous]

Maybe act like you don't hear him, every single time he starts, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that..." so he has to repeat himself over and over when he has a "small critique."

Or, as soon as he gets there tell him you have a small critique which is that small critiques aren't helpful. Repeat after every time he offers up a critique.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband deal w his rude dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe act like you don't hear him, every single time he starts, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that..." so he has to repeat himself over and over when he has a "small critique."

Or, as soon as he gets there tell him you have a small critique which is that small critiques aren't helpful. Repeat after every time he offers up a critique.

This if you're dealing with someone on the spectrum. They don't get anything that isn't direct and in plain language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He usually says “it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, I can help you get started”

Spoiler alert: he never actually helps and usually ends up creating a situation where an emergency plumber or electrician is called. These situations were especially frustrating because we never agreed to have him start anything.

I do think the mental health and energy comment is a good one, especially if I sandwich it in with something nice like “great idea!” I have said similar stuff before, like “that would be a great idea down the line” and he took that as an excuse to send me links to books I can buy to teach myself how to tile for example. This is really annoying.

Op

The bolded is sort of my dad. He 100% has undiagnosed ADD and starts projects and then leaves them. Or is such a perfectionist that the project will never actually get done.

Anyway, we had to be direct and blunt - "Dad, you are not allowed to start a project/take all the doorknobs off/strip the wallpaper/paint, etc." And if your FIL has caused issues in the past then all the more reason to just lay it on the line. DH needs to speak up.

[Anonymous]

“We don’t critique here. Let’s keep it positive. Tell us one thing you like to do!”

[Anonymous]

Arthur and Douglas!

[Anonymous]

There is a 3-step way to handle it:

1. Acknowledge what he said. "That's an interesting idea."

2. Express appreciation. "Thanks for pointing that out."

3. State why you are going to do exactly what you want to do. "We are going to hold off on any new improvement projects because we need to save money and don't have the time to focus on it."

He will feel heard, appreciated, and you politely let him know that you cannot take this on right now.

I dealt with a lot of unsolicited advice and could write a book about it. I had a great relationship with a challenging in-law, and it was very rewarding in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This. Your FIL is my mom. He's not going to change . You have to learn to just not be bothered by it. DH will sometimes turn it into a game by guessing what her critiques will be in advance or making bets about how long she'll last before her first one.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem.
He can’t stand up to his father without feeling bad.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

"I'll put it on The List."

A very short phrase. Same phrase. Repeated every time. With no interest shown. That's what DD says when we suggest a movie or a book and we know now to curb our suggestions.