Christmas Stress/Rigidity

[Anonymous]

Are the extended family there when the presents are opened? If so, they’ve seen her cry and should be receptive to “I know you love Larla and want to be kind to her but she really is upset by…” and if not…just save it for another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

I respect this advice, but dd is my "least whiny" kid- the one who will never complain her feet hurt or say she wants something in a store or pester me for something or whine about having to go to bed early. She is terrified of getting in trouble or acting impulsively - there were a few instances where she got close to a friend, acted impulsively (like blurting something out or I remember with one friend she sang along too loud in the Taylor Swift movie) - then realizes she makes a blunder and shuts down again and takes two years to invite another kid over. She tries to keep it together because she knows it's against the rules to cry about a gift. But I hate to see her silently miserable on a day we all look forward to all year. As far as gifts- she would love to just do modest gifts. I would love to just do modest gifts. But we have a very close extended family that all values giving. DD values it too -she gets presents for everyone. We do do a very over the top Christmas - decorated floor to ceiling in every room, a gazillion lights, inflatables, food, parties, constant music, abundant traditions. DD "loves" it, and would initially be upset to do anything differently, but I can see how even something that is exciting is overwhelming and overstimulating. I do agree I need to be very clear about expectation setting and what different consequences will occur. I would love for her to give her gifts to Goodwill - she often doesn't even want most of the things- but she is scared of offending the giver.

Where did she learn this fear of offending the giver? How many other rules does she have to follow besides no crying over gifts? What happens if she does that- instead of saying no crying, I’d say go to your room if you need to cry. No judgment but I get the sense from all of this that you likely contribute to these behaviors whether knowingly or unknowingly. Are you perhaps a bit too controlling of the situation? A lot of rules and expectations? I understand she has SN and that’s never an excuse for misbehavior but she should’nt be fearful of doing things outside the norm either.

At some point, around this age, you start helping her by stopping the over accommodating and maybe even drop some of these unwritten or written rules. She needs to learn to adapt on her own without you telling her everything all the time too. She needs you to tell her when she’s doing a good job and focus on that rather than focusing on crying over a gift. I would do things as usual but cut back on this over talking, over prepping, over rule making, over scheduling, etc. Setting expectations is great but they need to be said, agreed to, then not talked about until the consequences need to be followed through with. Focus on the things you’re excited about, not the problems you anticipate her having. Minimize talking about the problems, you are not helping herself or you when you do that. Maybe role play once, talk through it once, whatever she needs but given that she’s a top 10 student she’s clearly not impaired to the extent that she can’t be somewhat responsible for her own behavior.

Give her space to find what works for her, instead of only what works for you or what you think works for her. Rules should apply to things like not being disruptive or crying in front of others during Christmas, she can go to her room, only because it seems that kind of thing has an effect on the siblings and that’s not ok. But at 13 there shouldn’t be rules like you must open all the gifts at this time or grandma might get mad if you donate that to goodwill. Seriously who cares? The things you over focus on in life are probably the things she also worries about. Really think on that before you speak around her. You will never change her behavior until you change your behavior. Again no judgement.

Give her some “outs” like a new solitary activity in her room, baking cookies in the kitchen, a gingerbread house activity to break up present opening, some new art stuff at the table as part of her gifts that she can do if overwhelmed but wants to still watch others, maybe a new hammock and book to seek refuge outdoors, let her help plan and serve special snacks, that kind of thing. Don’t make it a big deal when she joins the group or leaves. That’s how you help her, by setting her up for success, but the thing is you can’t control what she chooses and frankly you can’t control if she cries over a gift. You can control how you talk to her about those things and what happens if she does those things. Start treating her more like an adult, she’s not there yet but she’ll never get there if you continue to treat her just as a child with ASD and anticipate problems will occur before they actually do.

[Anonymous]

I know for me, I had to lower my expectations of what Christmas should look like. There would always be a meltdown, no matter how perfectly I tried to orchestrate a sensory friendly, neurodivergent friendly holiday. My best goal was to have some fun moments among the very difficult ones so we had something positive to remember. It does get better with time. And yes, it’s not fair to the siblings, but OP, as you know from your own childhood, life isn’t fair for anyone. You do the best you can, but it’s not possible to give them a holiday free of family dynamics. It’s ok. You are doing the best you can with a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Kids shouldn't share gifts. Sit down with her, give her a budget, make a list of needs/wants and stict strictly what you agreed to. I don't consider clothing and shoes gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds so awful for the other kids.

Yeah, I feel terribly for the other kids.

Ignore her crying or send her to a different room. Your other kids shouldn't have to have their Christmas ruined.

[Anonymous]

Your gifts are not a gift to HER. They are upsetting, unwanted, and stressful. My kid was the same way. He doesn't want all the stuff. It stresses him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

I respect this advice, but dd is my "least whiny" kid- the one who will never complain her feet hurt or say she wants something in a store or pester me for something or whine about having to go to bed early. She is terrified of getting in trouble or acting impulsively - there were a few instances where she got close to a friend, acted impulsively (like blurting something out or I remember with one friend she sang along too loud in the Taylor Swift movie) - then realizes she makes a blunder and shuts down again and takes two years to invite another kid over. She tries to keep it together because she knows it's against the rules to cry about a gift. But I hate to see her silently miserable on a day we all look forward to all year. As far as gifts- she would love to just do modest gifts. I would love to just do modest gifts. But we have a very close extended family that all values giving. DD values it too -she gets presents for everyone. We do do a very over the top Christmas - decorated floor to ceiling in every room, a gazillion lights, inflatables, food, parties, constant music, abundant traditions. DD "loves" it, and would initially be upset to do anything differently, but I can see how even something that is exciting is overwhelming and overstimulating. I do agree I need to be very clear about expectation setting and what different consequences will occur. I would love for her to give her gifts to Goodwill - she often doesn't even want most of the things- but she is scared of offending the giver.

You just described all the scenarios that will make her cry (sharing gifts, too many gifts, too few gifts, gifts she didn't ask for, etc.) If she's really the "least whiny" then yikes.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a family meeting to talk about the holidays and see what each person really really loves and what is sort of just ok?
Can you all agree on what to pare down?
Honestly all the effort you put in with decorations, music, etc. Is exhausting to even contemplate. You wear yourself out doing it then trying to be sure it is perfect and establishingbrules and consequences...omg.
Can you do less stuff and enjoy it more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

I'm the mom of an 11yo dd who also has Christmas anxiety-it is so stressful for her! (she is dx asd and also now anxiety). I don't have all the answers, but a few things stood out to me OP in your posts.

-There is just TOO MUCH gifting going on here for her. My dd would melt down if all these people gave her gifts that she was expected to open and fawn over! Is it possible that you and dad give her the gifts she actually wants (the tape and pencils, ect) and then she can go somewhere like her room, and keep her family gifts for later when she could open them privately? Or you could open with her and decide to return or donate, at this later time.
I know with family, they think 'oh of COURSE Larla wants all this stuff that 'I' want to give her' but really they are not thinking about what Larla's needs are, especially because they are not what other people's are. Yes, grandma and aunts/uncles will probably make stupid remarks about Larla leaving the room-like a few of the comments on this post :/

-all the Stuff-the the busy decor, the things-would send my kid into anxiety. Not saying you should not do these things if they bring your family joy, just make sure dd has a space to be in quiet (like her room or wherever) and that she can go there without judgement from you or snide remarks from grandma. But being expected to Do All The Christmas Things would be really stressful for my dd.

I think OP that you are just going to need to set firm boundaries with the relatives-if dd needs to not participate in extended gift opening, that is what she needs and grandma needs to know that you will protect dd and her needs first. I don't know that you can make them stop gifting unwanted things to her, but you can deal with them in the way that is least stressful to dd.

As to PPs making comments like don't prep your kid, don't baby her-until you witness your normally pleasant dc try to elope on Christmas Eve and attempt to jump out of the car, keep your comments to yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

I'm the mom of an 11yo dd who also has Christmas anxiety-it is so stressful for her! (she is dx asd and also now anxiety). I don't have all the answers, but a few things stood out to me OP in your posts.

-There is just TOO MUCH gifting going on here for her. My dd would melt down if all these people gave her gifts that she was expected to open and fawn over! Is it possible that you and dad give her the gifts she actually wants (the tape and pencils, ect) and then she can go somewhere like her room, and keep her family gifts for later when she could open them privately? Or you could open with her and decide to return or donate, at this later time.
I know with family, they think 'oh of COURSE Larla wants all this stuff that 'I' want to give her' but really they are not thinking about what Larla's needs are, especially because they are not what other people's are. Yes, grandma and aunts/uncles will probably make stupid remarks about Larla leaving the room-like a few of the comments on this post :/

-all the Stuff-the the busy decor, the things-would send my kid into anxiety. Not saying you should not do these things if they bring your family joy, just make sure dd has a space to be in quiet (like her room or wherever) and that she can go there without judgement from you or snide remarks from grandma. But being expected to Do All The Christmas Things would be really stressful for my dd.

I think OP that you are just going to need to set firm boundaries with the relatives-if dd needs to not participate in extended gift opening, that is what she needs and grandma needs to know that you will protect dd and her needs first. I don't know that you can make them stop gifting unwanted things to her, but you can deal with them in the way that is least stressful to dd.

As to PPs making comments like don't prep your kid, don't baby her-until you witness your normally pleasant dc try to elope on Christmas Eve and attempt to jump out of the car, keep your comments to yourself!

I’ve done this and more and still say don’t baby her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

I'm the mom of an 11yo dd who also has Christmas anxiety-it is so stressful for her! (she is dx asd and also now anxiety). I don't have all the answers, but a few things stood out to me OP in your posts.

-There is just TOO MUCH gifting going on here for her. My dd would melt down if all these people gave her gifts that she was expected to open and fawn over! Is it possible that you and dad give her the gifts she actually wants (the tape and pencils, ect) and then she can go somewhere like her room, and keep her family gifts for later when she could open them privately? Or you could open with her and decide to return or donate, at this later time.
I know with family, they think 'oh of COURSE Larla wants all this stuff that 'I' want to give her' but really they are not thinking about what Larla's needs are, especially because they are not what other people's are. Yes, grandma and aunts/uncles will probably make stupid remarks about Larla leaving the room-like a few of the comments on this post :/

-all the Stuff-the the busy decor, the things-would send my kid into anxiety. Not saying you should not do these things if they bring your family joy, just make sure dd has a space to be in quiet (like her room or wherever) and that she can go there without judgement from you or snide remarks from grandma. But being expected to Do All The Christmas Things would be really stressful for my dd.

I think OP that you are just going to need to set firm boundaries with the relatives-if dd needs to not participate in extended gift opening, that is what she needs and grandma needs to know that you will protect dd and her needs first. I don't know that you can make them stop gifting unwanted things to her, but you can deal with them in the way that is least stressful to dd.

As to PPs making comments like don't prep your kid, don't baby her-until you witness your normally pleasant dc try to elope on Christmas Eve and attempt to jump out of the car, keep your comments to yourself!

I’ve done this and more and still say don’t baby her.

It is helping your child-with a disability that affects their life every day-learn to self regulate and advocate for their needs.

[Anonymous]

New poster here - I have a child like this, except older and even less in control of her emotions. We've tried everything and currently have a parenting coach. Nothing has made a meaningful difference. There is major sibling resentment that has torn our family apart. I obviously don't have any advice, but just wanted to extend sympathy/empathy. I think many people posting have no experience with this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

So much of what you describe is setting her up for failure. It sounds like visual and auditory overload! I think you should really sit down and think about why you feel that your other kids “need” this. I think the best holiday is the one with the least drama! And I also think compromising a bit on things like all day music and people talking over each other is very reasonable. I am not on the spectrum but remember hiding in my room by the end of the day because the noise and multiple conversations happening all day was just too much for me.

I am very sympathetic (I have posted “I wish we could just cancel Christmas” more than once) but it sounds like you are not really doing working with her.

For my child calming things down so it’s a fun day but without the expectation that it will be !so! Magical! And! amazing!!!! Has been the most helpful thing. Most of our very best days are random days where the stars align and we have an especially beautiful day. My younger child is not having their childhood ruined by a slightly more moderated holiday.

Does she have a therapist? It’s very early to be worrying about the holidays but perhaps she can write down each worry and problem solve her response.

[Anonymous]

OP, anxiety is a beast and it sounds like it's at the heart of a lot of your child's issues with holidays.

I have two neurodivergent kids who also have anxiety. Holidays are hard, but it's helped us to:

- get support and medication as needed for anxiety - it's hard to be flexible when you're on fire

- talk as a family about which pieces of celebrations are important to us so everyone has things they like to look forward to (baking cookies, decorating the tree, etc.)

- planning in downtime so everyone can take the time they need to rest/recharge/decompress as necessary

- simplifying holiday plans. This one has been so good for me, the parent, honestly. It's okay not to do everything, and you don't have to do things just because you've always done them.

[Anonymous]

Worry less about Christmas. Assume it may be unavoidable that she cries. Give her a pass to retreat to her room if necessary and let your other kids keep going. Spend the time and energy you save on micromanaging Christmas to instead work on getting her into therapy and also meeting with a psychiatrist to see if there might be medications you can try that will make it a bit easier. I am giving you this warm and encouraging advice and redirection as the parent as a late-diagnosed autistic tween who loves Christmas and also struggles mightily with it. And my child has benefitted more from meds and therapy than anything I’ve ever done for Christmas. And their favorite part of Christmas is setting up the Christmas tree. The rest always ends in crying and overstimulation. And it’s okay. And you can spend time reading “Is This Autism?” By Barbara Henderson. You’re a good mom. Your focus on Christmas is a natural expression of our culture, but you’re going to need to shift gears to become a special needs mom now, and that will come with different areas of focus, a healthy serving of grief, and hopefully some grace you wouldn’t have encountered otherwise. I wish you luck. I wish your daughter luck, and love, and grace to do what she needs to do on Christmas.