15 year old quit everything - worried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The sport was crew and involved getting up at 4 am before school for 5am practice and DC started refusing to go and I couldn’t physically drag them out of bed. I have my own job and another sibling to get to school in the mornings. I don’t think DC fully understood the commitment involved. There were 3 instances when I was the one up at 4am driving other carpool teammates to practice when my own child refused to go. I can’t do that.

To be fair to your kid that schedule blows.

DP. We did three years of crew only because my kid was passionate about it. If she had been lukewarm, it never would have happened.

[Anonymous]

Is he seeing friends? How is hygiene etc? If that is ok, he may just have different priorities. Eg, I know a kid who was overscheduled. He decided he no longer wanted to go to a top tier school and gave it all up. Now plans to go to a local college or do community college first. Parents were worried but he seems ok. Just isn’t as intense as he was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be depression.

It also could your DC recognizing that the UMC/aspiring class rat race for teens is unhealthy for some kids and they have a better quality life not competing in it.

This. My kid makes the case for the 2nd option.

In your shoes, I would ask my kid to continue with one old or new activity.

My kid is big on criticizing the system. But he's continued his instrument and does a lot with another EC all week long.

I also allow my kid to "sick out" of school when the workload peaks too high. So far he's requested 2 days. He has a couple classes with insane busywork requirements. This is my mild concession to his mental health.

[Anonymous]

If your kid wants to drop all existing activities I’d try to encourage him to either get a job or volunteer at a food bank (ideally both). And also try to figure out if he is depressed. Ask Lisa recently suggested asking a kid who seems depressed if the things they used to do for fun still make them happy. If not, that’s a sign of depression. Good luck OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Agree that there might be more going on / depression BUT I also think some activities fade at this point for many kids—

-scouts if not going for top awards (eg Gold for Girl Scouts)

-teams if not the “best” for some the time to be on the bench or unlikely to make Varsity

Just examples that many kids are going through this

[Anonymous]

You should never have allowed them to join a crew team that involved a 4am wake up. That's insane.

Dropping scouts is normal when you are a teen.

Theater is a big time commitment.

You need to limit TV and video game playing. Get rid of all video game equipment. Or box it up and take it to your office or someone else's house and tell them you will let them use it during the summer on the condition they get at least a 3.0 this year, do at least one activity (volunteering, job, theater, whatever), and have a some job of volunteering commitment.

If you allow them to watch TV and video games all the time, you are enabling their poor grades and lack of get up and go. They need to get so bored they are inclined to do activities.

Change the wifi password if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Limit the computer time, Limit the phone. Do not give them any money outside necessities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound depressed. If they won't talk to the therapist they have, find a different one. I know that's hard, but keep trying. Also try talking to them yourself, and find out if the school has seen anything.

My older sister nearly died from a suicide attempt at 15. I'm the one who called 911 and waited with her while she seized on the floor until they came. Yes, I'm saying this to scare you...but also to let you know that it's okay and smart to be overly-concerned at this age.

This is not necessarliy a suicidal child. Your post is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Get them as much outside support (tutor, life coach, counseling, study prep). Getting better grades will help boost self esteem.

PT job this summer!
Don't worry about instruments!
Have them join a club or track and field to spring! Their choice.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the suggestions, and I am glad to hear this isn’t completely out of the realm of “normal.” Just a shame for DC to become a quitter at a critical moment in life for college. I just am concerned that DC will live to regret it in a year and a half when friends are applying and getting into college and DC has literally nothing to show personal growth or academic achievement. If they were younger I could insist they go to sports or activities, but now they need to show their own initiative. I am also getting next to no support from DH who also seems ambivalent and won’t take a role or stand and seems to ignore the whole situation. Less activities means the less DH needs to do also.

DC has struggled with anxiety and also some oppositional issues, so perhaps this is yet another way to get control. But the gaming has become a problem and huge time suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be depression.

It also could your DC recognizing that the UMC/aspiring class rat race for teens is unhealthy for some kids and they have a better quality life not competing in it.

This. Most teens do t want to get up at 4am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the suggestions, and I am glad to hear this isn’t completely out of the realm of “normal.” Just a shame for DC to become a quitter at a critical moment in life for college. I just am concerned that DC will live to regret it in a year and a half when friends are applying and getting into college and DC has literally nothing to show personal growth or academic achievement. If they were younger I could insist they go to sports or activities, but now they need to show their own initiative. I am also getting next to no support from DH who also seems ambivalent and won’t take a role or stand and seems to ignore the whole situation. Less activities means the less DH needs to do also.

DC has struggled with anxiety and also some oppositional issues, so perhaps this is yet another way to get control. But the gaming has become a problem and huge time suck.

I’m not sure you’ve really read some of the prior posts. Maybe stop calling him a quitter. It is perfectly fine to stop activities and move on. The issue here is that nothing has replaced it. Stop focusing on college; he needs help now. I would not focus too much attention to the prior posters who are saying their kids are opting out of a stressful situation bc *your* kid is not articulating that. Also, those kids still seem engaged, while yours doesn’t. I think you need to do more work on getting to the bottom of it, since you already know he has mental health issues. How is his friend situation?

[Anonymous]

Is he talking to others while he plays the video games? It’s social for a lot of them and more typical than you think.

Right when he turned 15 my son quit pretty much everything too, or so it seemed. A longtime team sport, an individual hobby and a lot of other stuff. He spent all of his free time sleeping and online and it was like that for about a year. This also coincided with rapid growth and puberty.

He’s 18 now and has interests and yes, still liked video games but not spending every waking moment online like that. I look back and see that he was basically losing interest in things from when he was younger and it took time. We couldn’t speed it up and any of our suggestions didn’t help.

He got a job at 16 at a fast food place with other teens, which was really good for him. Think of a place like Chic fila.

[Anonymous]

Your kid might be depressed. There might be something that happened that caused teen to drop all these activities.

Getting the kid to re-engage in life is important, but not in a tyrannical way. i.e. "Larlo, I understand you're growing up and people's interests change as they grow up. You still need to be moving your body and engaging with other people. What two new things can we bring in that you could try?"

"Larlo, I've noticed that your grades are down. Are you struggling in hard classes? or have you lost interest in school?"

If there is something you know your kid loves to do or eat, try that. It's called behavioral activation - trying to help them remember things they like/love.

Try to be curious not condemning "(My kid is a quitter" ). You might get some answers as to what kind of support your kid needs. Don't give up on the kid or lead with anger. Kid might be really struggling.

[Anonymous]

They dropped all activities and their grades tanked and you have not had them screened for depression or drug use? The red flags are waving.

Have you talked to your kid about what is happening? Have you checked his phone?