Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've only known her a couple years, this might just be how she is.
I had a friend I made during covid who I thought was my new "best friend" but she would disappear regularly and I would wrack my brain thinking how I might have offended her. She's just kind of Adhd. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks and just texted me asking to hang out "It's been crazy lately". I'm used to it now and realize she just isn't that dependable person I wished she was.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.

This is where I landed too. I do have some old friends who I don't see a ton but stay in touch with via text, and DH and I have some couple friends (all from pre-kid life -- friends from college and post-college life). But none of them are my "bestie" and I'm more than okay with that. In fact, no longer looking for a best friend or even worrying much about friendships has been one of the most liberating things I've done in my life.

I think I'm just not a BFF sort of person. The way another woman might not want to be a mom, or might prefer to be single. I am married and I'm a mom, but I'm not that interested in having a bestie and the kind of friendship that I think a lot of people categorize as an ideal female friendship. I think it's fine that other women do it, but it's not for me. I'm not lonely or depressed (in fact the one thing I could use more of is downtime where I am alone) and I have people in my life I can turn to when I need people. There is no hole waiting to be filled with a best girlfriend, at least in my case.

[Anonymous]

People are all different & who really knows why this person is acting so weird now.

You could speculate about this but in all honesty - - it is best to invest your energy ➕ time in making friends w/people who are willing to communicate as well as socialize w/you w/out ghosting you.

[Anonymous]

I think the other friend being jealous makes sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, the way forward is this: what would be the style and rhythm of communication in which you *wouldn't* be resentful, if only you, were doing the initiating? Really sit and think honestly about this. And then, make that your new normal.

Hopefully, she eventually adjusts in the direction of enhancing the friendship beyond your new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the other friend being jealous makes sense.

+1

Just move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There could be a lot of things. Maybe she realized that she's sort of led you on but doesn't have enough time/energy in her life to devote to a friendship, and she is pulling back awkwardly. Like, she wants you as an occasional secondary friend but not a close friend, and she overreached. In that situation, it's up to you whether to pull back all the way or to let the friendship remain secondary. Certainly, it doesn't feel great to be the person who wants more closeness while the other person isn't interested.

I think this is the flipside of boundary setting that everyone is always recommending. She is setting boundaries but it feels like a rejection.

(Or maybe it's something else entirely.)

FWIW, what I usually do is pull back some but don't burn bridges, sometimes people will come around at some later point, it's still easier to salvage those friendships than start completely from scratch, but of course now you know that she is very unlikely to ever become a true friend.

Whatever you do, don't go down the path of "what did I do wrong," it's a kind of self-punishment you do not deserve.

It could be all these things. Or something totally unrelated to you. Like when I've retreated it was often because something serious was going on with one of my kids or a loved one and I didn't want to get into it over text but didn't have the energy for light-hearted meme exchanges.

Also when something's up with one of my kids, it's harder for me to hang out with parents of kids the same age because I feel like I have to protect my child's privacy.

[Anonymous]

Are you on different sides of the political spectrum? Did you post a Charlie Kirk’s widow meme?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the other friend being jealous makes sense.

No. Grown women don’t get jealous over acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing she’s not into the things you’re sending her…

[Anonymous]

It could be so many things. Maybe her friend is jealous. Maybe she doesn't agree with you politically. Maybe your kid or husband annoy her or her husband or her kid. Maybe she finds you not aligning with her needs right now and she does not have the bandwidth.

It is rough but time to find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the other friend being jealous makes sense.

No. Grown women don’t get jealous over acquaintances.

I have no idea of it's the case here but this is false. "Grown women" do all kinds of immature, petty, jealous things. Not all women of course, but I don't know how you can say this with a straight face. I've seen so much small minded behavior from women of friendships, acquaintances, men, kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea of it's the case here but this is false. "Grown women" do all kinds of immature, petty, jealous things. Not all women of course, but I don't know how you can say this with a straight face. I've seen so much small minded behavior from women of friendships, acquaintances, men, kids.

Women are insane. I recommend not living with one.