Any shared insights / lessons learned on designing best-for-kids custody situations

[Anonymous]

I think 80/20 is pretty awful save special circumstances. He’s going to be underinvested and will do less and less.

Part of the deal with divorce is he shouldn’t rely on you to pick up the slack for him all the time.

[Anonymous]

I would consider the least disruptive option for your kids- that probably looks like summer and extended holidays with dad, rest of time with mom. This is pretty close to a 70-30 split and keeps kids from switching homes during the school year which is so disruptive. It’s hard in the parents to miss long stretches with their kids but it should is about the kids stabilitynot the parents feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on every other weekend and every other Wednesday from after school to after dinner. On average, he cancels about 3 times a year. They FaceTime 3 or 4 times a week.

Are you happy with this schedule? Is kid/kids happy?

Yes and yes. He attends all school plays, recitals, parent teacher conferences, birthday parties, etc. They have a few friends who split the week between parents and think it’s confusing/chaotic. We have A calendar up that I mark with the days they’re with him, and I keep it marked up a couple months in advance. So I think that helps, because I see them look at it often.

[Anonymous]

Is that best for you or him? They will get very little time with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider the least disruptive option for your kids- that probably looks like summer and extended holidays with dad, rest of time with mom. This is pretty close to a 70-30 split and keeps kids from switching homes during the school year which is so disruptive. It’s hard in the parents to miss long stretches with their kids but it should is about the kids stabilitynot the parents feelings.

That's not allowing dad to parent. Its also hard on the kids to lose a parent. Parents divorce each other, not the kids. Kids will adapt. They need both paernts equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider the least disruptive option for your kids- that probably looks like summer and extended holidays with dad, rest of time with mom. This is pretty close to a 70-30 split and keeps kids from switching homes during the school year which is so disruptive. It’s hard in the parents to miss long stretches with their kids but it should is about the kids stabilitynot the parents feelings.

That's not allowing dad to parent. Its also hard on the kids to lose a parent. Parents divorce each other, not the kids. Kids will adapt. They need both paernts equally.

Eh…kids need equal parents equally. But when one parent isn’t parenting they are better off spending more time with the engaged parent. The “equal” trope originated from studies of healthy, intact families with two parents and shouldn’t be applied to divorcing families and custody situations, yet it regularly is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that best for you or him? They will get very little time with their dad.

OP here. Well the standard we are working for is best interest of the children so that is what I am trying to think about. And that includes taking into account what their lives were like before the split.

The percentages reflect overnights, not necessarily amount of time spent parenting. We could give the father a higher percentage but I’m not sure that will translate into more meaningful hours with him - it might just mean time with a babysitter. And it will mean more time for children in a commute to/from school or sports etc. In any event, they are spending more quality time with him now than they did before the split.

What sort of schedule gives the most bang for the buck/most meaningful hours? It seems weekend time is the most common solution to this plus maybe 1-2 school nights every 2 week cycle. I do like the idea of having him invested in some part of the school routines as well because otherwise it’s easy for him to completely check out of that.

[Anonymous]

So sad…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do 70-30 and it works out really well for stability. I think a fixed weekly schedule is better for everyone. My ex has kid on Thurs night - Saturday dinner every week. We are very flexible about holidays etc. but probably better to start out with a schedule for holidays and vacations written out.

I agree with PPs that he needs to have a plan to reliably take his custody time and plan for contingencies. He needs to not have early work mornings on his days and needs to have childcare in place for after school. That said I don’t see how forcing 50-50 solves that problem.

This is OP. I live this schedule thank you for sharing! I had not thought about splitting every weekend because of how often the every other weekend is used. I like that it’s 1 school night, 1 weekend night, and 1 weekend day. And I think Friday mornings could be an easy thing for him to carve out.

It does mean that there is no built in “weekend away” for either a parent to take a break, or a parent to take kids somewhere together. But if we are cooperative and flexible we could handle those when they arise occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sad…

Yep. In every way.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reads like he isn't very interested in parenting time and you are trying to be extremely accommodating in the hopes that he will be a more involved father than he actually wants to be.

Op here. Thank you for the objective read. What do you think is the right choice if that is the situation. Be less accommodating? Expect he won't be involved and just plan on that? Or push him to take more time and force him to become an involved parent (several people have given me this advice in real life, but I have my doubts about what it looks like in practice)?

Well, you're right to have doubts. I don't think you can actually force him to be a good parent. He'll just be a sh*tty parent for longer periods of time, or cancel more often, or hire a lot of help or fly in his mom or something.

Some kids prefer to have every week same routine. Other kids prefer not to go more than a few days without seeing either parent. Other kids have reasonable logistical reasons to prefer a certain schedule (like one parent's house is nearer to an activity that they do once a week). Some kids like consistency, others appreciate flexibility. Nobody can tell you what your kids will care about most.

As your kids grow older they will likely want more autonomy. They might not want the same things as each other. They may have times when they don't go to the same school as each other, or have very different activity schedules. There's really no way to predict this in advance. You can't make a schedule now and expect it to work until they are 18+. That's not how child development works. Expect it to be renegotiated.

Don't forget to consider the unexpected-- snow days, sick days, etc. Think through your ROFR language and what he's likely to do to cover time when he's got custody but has a conflict-- a nanny service? Friends, family? A babysitter? Remember, you won't have any control over what he chooses to do for childcare. It's not a violation for him to use childcare, as long as he observes whatever ROFR you agreed on.

It sounds like you're going to get the lion's share either way-- either by agreeing to it in advance or by him trying to shirk and playing the My Job So Important card. So I think it's better for you to agree to it in advance because then you can have a more consistent schedule, and also get child support accordingly. If you agree to 50/50 and he doesn't do his share, it'll be a whole process to get child support increased.

This is full of really really helpful thoughts. Thank you.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you get a break?

Right?? I wake up at 530 to get my solo (and DCUM) time 😂

I think it’s fair to consider this as part of the mix, because it’s important for my being a good mother to have some time for myself.

Other advice I have heard is to carve out 3 nights as Fri-Mon every other weekend so I have a real built in break for myself. But personally I don’t love that because it also means I’m handling an entire weekend solo by myself every other week plus the school weeks. It seems like okay let’s accept that mom will be burnt out by this schedule and just build in recovery time… I would rather find something that is well balanced all around. However I wonder if this aspect will get easier as the children get older, more capable of getting themselves to school, more activities on the weekends, etc. And we could shift schedules then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When do you get a break?

Right?? I wake up at 530 to get my solo (and DCUM) time 😂

I think it’s fair to consider this as part of the mix, because it’s important for my being a good mother to have some time for myself.

Other advice I have heard is to carve out 3 nights as Fri-Mon every other weekend so I have a real built in break for myself. But personally I don’t love that because it also means I’m handling an entire weekend solo by myself every other week plus the school weeks. It seems like okay let’s accept that mom will be burnt out by this schedule and just build in recovery time… I would rather find something that is well balanced all around. However I wonder if this aspect will get easier as the children get older, more capable of getting themselves to school, more activities on the weekends, etc. And we could shift schedules then.

Well, it depends where you live and what the public transportation and safety situation is, and whether their activities are even reachable in that way. I found that there's a tough point in middle school where they're super busy but they're not yet old enough to get themselves around effectively. Then it gets easier in high school when they can Uber.

Don't think you can have their activities be weekends-only. When they get serious about something, it'll be weekends AND one or two weeknights every week. That starts happening around 10 or 12. I would make your peace with finding a reliable sitter and paying her well, when you get to that point.

If you're trying to hit a certain percentage of Dad time, remember that you can have him take them for entire weeks of vacation. Sometimes Important Job Men do well with that because they can block off their work schedule as totally unavailable and just focus on the kids. If he's bad at juggling and multitasking, that may work. Because it doesn't have to be 70/30 every single week. It just has to be 70/30 over the course of a year, or 6 months, or whatever you agree on. Pressuring everyone to hit a certain target in every week or two-week period is unnecessary, and is a poor fit for someone with a high-travel job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:are the kids resisting being at the fathers?

Kids’ ages? Genders?

Is he the 30/20?

I think there is more to what you are saying. If both parents are on board with the arrangement then it’s really simple to file a mutually-agreed upon parenting plan with specifics or even one without any specifics depending on your jurisdiction. I’m guessing you actually have worries about your DH’s ability to commit to a real plan and questions about your kids’ resistance to being with him. I wouldn’t suggest a full parenting evaluation or whatever it’s called in your state, but what’s really going on here? Is your DH pushing for more time than he can reasonably commit to and your kids don’t want to be with him, and DH expects you to flex around his schedule? If so, I’m currently in that situation and a casual understanding is just not going to cut it. “Cooperative” and “coparenting” are not compatible with a parent who has an inflexible and unpredictable schedule and is typically just marketing language from that person or their attorney to get a more favorable outcome.

Sorry to sound paranoid but you’re raising a lot of red flags here.

I agree with this pp. I suspect OP has dressed this up to describe a cooperative scenario, but really, it sounds like the father is getting screwed. He's in an apartment while SHE has the house? And she's presenting 80/20 or 70/30 as what's in the best interest of the kids, probably knowing full well the impact on child support and his finances? That doesn't sound equitable or in the best interest of the kids at all. The kids deserve the same living situation with each parent and equal time with each parent. That means sell the house, each buy or rent comparable properties, and split 50/50. I have a feeling what she's presenting as "our" thinking is really HER thinking and she's either assuming he'll go along with it or will try to pressure him to do so. And if her assertion is that he has full access to the kids under this 80/20 or 70/30, then just go with the 50/50. Unless she's waving child support or something.

As a very involved father with a similar work arrangement as being described, I would never have agreed to this arrangement. We did do 50/50 on paper but in reality it ended up being more like 90/10 with me as the 90, as my girls were adolescents and decided they preferred living with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider the least disruptive option for your kids- that probably looks like summer and extended holidays with dad, rest of time with mom. This is pretty close to a 70-30 split and keeps kids from switching homes during the school year which is so disruptive. It’s hard in the parents to miss long stretches with their kids but it should is about the kids stabilitynot the parents feelings.

That's not allowing dad to parent. Its also hard on the kids to lose a parent. Parents divorce each other, not the kids. Kids will adapt. They need both paernts equally.

The mom in this scenario is not “allowing” the dad anything. This is a schedule that they mutually agreed on likely because dad admits he just doesn’t want to do equal parenting. A divorce is not actually the time to teach dad to step up or to change pre-existing patterns. Custody is about the best interests of the child and that generally means taking past behavior into account and often giving the children a stable home base.