Thinking about Baby #4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but think about having a 4th almost everyday. Yes I am very grateful and blessed to have 3 healthy children and that I should be happy and move on but while I’m still in relatively in childbearing phase, I can’t help but think about it. My partner is a clear NO and everyone around me says NO which is also a bit frustrating to hear. I just don’t know if I should just work on ending this chapter and grieving that or just pursue it at some point?

Really???
What is wrong with you?

Vaccines are going away mothers do not bring children into this country knowing the absolute horrifying idea that we will have no mandatory vaccines!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's biological - the urge to reproduce. Tell your husband that it is a natural urge and you can't do anything about it. Or go on birth control and that will suppress the hormones behind the urge.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is driving you to want another child? I have never understood mass reproducers.

It's fine if a couple wants and can raise 4 children or more. It's also fine if they want none or one or two or three.

The only relevant question is if both want a child. Here, he doesn't, so they shouldn't.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but think about having a 4th almost everyday. Yes I am very grateful and blessed to have 3 healthy children and that I should be happy and move on but while I’m still in relatively in childbearing phase, I can’t help but think about it. My partner is a clear NO and everyone around me says NO which is also a bit frustrating to hear. I just don’t know if I should just work on ending this chapter and grieving that or just pursue it at some point?

Really???
What is wrong with you?

Vaccines are going away mothers do not bring children into this country knowing the absolute horrifying idea that we will have no mandatory vaccines!!!!

Many have the same fear, and no one is anti-vax. So because of this crazy country politics, people can't have children now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My partner is a clear NO

I would not even consider a dog if my partner was a clear NO. This is a human being ffs.

100%

[Anonymous]

It's biological - the urge to reproduce. Tell your husband that it is a natural urge and you can't do anything about it.

Her husband - he shares the same biology. No urge. Both genders lose the urge to reproduce; some never have the urge.

If this interferes with OPs normal functioning, she absolutely needs to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pursue what? Your partner does not want any more children. You already have three. I'd seek therapy if I were you for your "grieving."

+1

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

[Anonymous]

You’re always going to feel sad when you’re done having babies. The grief and sadness and longing for another is normal and part of the process. But you also have to be realistic about your life, your partner, and your kids. Therapy is great for working through these feelings. Most people don’t get the family they dreamed of in the way they dreamed it. It’s normal to grieve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re always going to feel sad when you’re done having babies. The grief and sadness and longing for another is normal and part of the process. But you also have to be realistic about your life, your partner, and your kids. Therapy is great for working through these feelings. Most people don’t get the family they dreamed of in the way they dreamed it. It’s normal to grieve this.

Super helpful thanks and thanks for validating!

[Anonymous]

Hell, I really want my Social Security, so please, yes, make another taxpayer. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

With three already there's no way I'd want to bring yet another child into the hellscape that is America. I worry every day about the future my two teens will have if they remain here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

He does not want to be a father or parent to another child. Talking someone into parenting a child just sounds like a highly risky idea.

What does this discussion look like? Why should he reconsider parenting a special needs child, or twins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

He does not want to be a father or parent to another child. Talking someone into parenting a child just sounds like a highly risky idea.

What does this discussion look like? Why should he reconsider parenting a special needs child, or twins?

A lot of people change their minds. My spouse did (not about #4, but I don’t think that matters).

In a relationship, both partners have needs and desires and they matter. If you have a burning desire to move back to your hometown, or take a job that would relocate your family…. That’s something you would discuss. No one is obligated to do what their partner wants, but I think being willing to hear the other person out (and in many cases, walking through the thought experiment) is part of the commitment you make when you marry or otherwise commit to someone.

Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have. I don’t think completely dismissing the partner who does want a child is a recipe for a happy marriage, either. Sure, that partner might reasonably “lose” the argument, but happy well adjusted couples talk about things openly and compassionately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

He does not want to be a father or parent to another child. Talking someone into parenting a child just sounds like a highly risky idea.

What does this discussion look like? Why should he reconsider parenting a special needs child, or twins?

A lot of people change their minds. My spouse did (not about #4, but I don’t think that matters).

In a relationship, both partners have needs and desires and they matter. If you have a burning desire to move back to your hometown, or take a job that would relocate your family…. That’s something you would discuss. No one is obligated to do what their partner wants, but I think being willing to hear the other person out (and in many cases, walking through the thought experiment) is part of the commitment you make when you marry or otherwise commit to someone.

Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have. I don’t think completely dismissing the partner who does want a child is a recipe for a happy marriage, either. Sure, that partner might reasonably “lose” the argument, but happy well adjusted couples talk about things openly and compassionately.

Adding: sometimes the way this conversation goes is “what would it take for you to consider….”?

Maybe it’s nothing, I would never. But that’s not always the case.