Another Thanksgiving Vent - Makeshift Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do TG dinner with ILs and then head to the party house for the rest of the weekend.

That'll be too far away, we will spend the whole weekend just driving.

I'd still try to make it work. Are your ILs not local?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

How do your ILs even know what your kids call your friends?

My kids call my best friend Aunt Sarah and my in-laws have heard them refer to her like that. I don't think that's weird at all.

OP your friend Thanksgiving sounds amazing, go for it! You don't owe it to your in-laws to get together for the holiday, you really don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe that 6 families have no other family they would spend the holiday with.

Not everyone does what you think they should all the time. We've had Thanksgivings with friends because it was the only time we were all off and could get together. I don't know why this is so weird to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

The OP has way bigger issues than Thanksgiving dinner.

[Anonymous]

Friendsgivings are great. Let DH do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

The OP has way bigger issues than Thanksgiving dinner.

I was thinking that too. And she’s pretty judgmental. I mean people can be reserved and still enjoy holidays because they involve tradition, family and fun. Ascribing bad motive (they want to seem like everyone else) says a lot about OP.

Also, it doesn’t sound like ILs have done bad things. They just sound different than OP, which she presumably knew before building a life with their child.

That being said, if you’re on the same page with your spouse, it’s fine to skip a family gathering, especially if they are frequent occurrences. Lots of families have to figure out how to split time and how to prioritize what’s important to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe that 6 families have no other family they would spend the holiday with.

Not everyone does what you think they should all the time. We've had Thanksgivings with friends because it was the only time we were all off and could get together. I don't know why this is so weird to you.

Birds of a feather flock together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friendsgivings are great. Let DH do whatever.

Let him take the kid and let OP go to her misfit Thanksgiving. Everyone wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendsgivings are great. Let DH do whatever.

Let him take the kid and let OP go to her misfit Thanksgiving. Everyone wins.

Misfit? We fit quite well together, thank you very much. And the kids do not want to go to their grandparents' too. They are not close to their cousins. It's just all super awkward all the time and I am tired of it.

[Anonymous]

OP -- you are mad about too many things. Calm down.
The parents were told, no Thanksgiving with them this year. You stick to it. The message was delivered. It's done. Any change by your DH, well you can't control that, but don't engage with him back and forth about it either.

Don't escalate (to justify your No Thanksgiving/Holidays Ever with The InLaws Wish), a meanness that's unnecessary. You are escalating. Just say no to events you do not wish to attend. Be reasonable about seeing family -some amount of time- throughout the year. Huddle with your DH and decide together or he can visit alone some.

Don't add to the drama. Adults can't be afraid to make Mommy & Daddy mad. But parents getting mad, is not different than any other adult relationship, it is counterproductive in encouraging more togetherness.

[Anonymous]

Your DH has gotten to spend Thanksgiving with his family every year. This is one year where you’d like to do something different.

Your Friendsgiving weekend sounds amazing. Being with people who love you, get you, and make you feel lifted up is definitely something worth doing. His parents’ reaction is their problem. They are allowed to be disappointed. But ultimately that’s their problem. Explain to DH that this means a lot to you and you don’t want to appease the ILs at your own expense every year. There needs to be compromise. He also should understand that it can be lonely when you’ve lost your parents and are always with someone else’s parents. These friends are like your own (substitute) family.

If you spend Christmas with the ILs, focus them on that. Otherwise focus them on whenever you’ll see them next.

Report back, OP!

[Anonymous]

Your DH may need to go alone in order to see if he is ready or not. It’s perfectly ok to spend your holidays with people you love, and the family needs to back off.
I’ve btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendsgivings are great. Let DH do whatever.

Let him take the kid and let OP go to her misfit Thanksgiving. Everyone wins.

Misfit? We fit quite well together, thank you very much. And the kids do not want to go to their grandparents' too. They are not close to their cousins. It's just all super awkward all the time and I am tired of it.

What does your husband think of your friends? He has no say?

[Anonymous]

They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold ... I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people

OP, you are really sounding like a terrible person. You do not need to be a terrible person, or portray them as terrible people, just because you have a preference to not spend holidays with them.

You are entitled to a preference. You are unwise though to disparage those who raised the wonderful man you decided was worthy of marrying. And a man you decided was loving enough to be the father of your children. And who, most certainly, has love for his parents.

[Anonymous]

"I find it hard to believe that 6 families have no other family they would spend the holiday with."

This is seriously one of the most stupid, clueless, and insensitive things I've read on DCUM, and I've been reading DCUM for over 10 years. This is a group for people based in the DC area. Most of the people in the group who would have been drawn to this sort of group are not from here. They didn't grow up here. They don't have family here. Most of us came here back when you came to DC for work in fields related to the national capital for a few years, before 9/11 turned NoVA into the IT security center of the world and changed the demographics and the workforce profile. Think jobs with national associations, advocacy groups, government fellowships and appointments, and all things related to The Hill. These jobs didn't tend to be lifetime jobs. Instead, most professionals here were transient and would leave after having their DC experience for a few years. I've said goodbye to far, far more friends in DC than I have remaining here. Most left for grad school or when the administrations turned over every four years. Those of us who stayed did so despite not having family here. We've created families of choice here out of necessity. Some of us married, but lots of us are single women or divorced with kids. We tend to fly home for Christmas, but not for Thanksgiving. And that's why so many people here share Thanksgiving with their chosen families instead of with grandma out in Frederick or Fredricksburg. As for me, my grandma was in the Southwest while she was still alive. There's no way I was ever flying there with my kids in tow for three days over Thanksgiving when I was going to see her and the rest of my family a month later.