If you made new close friends after age 45

[Anonymous]

Not completely new friends, but once my kids were in HS I developed deeper friendships with some women I'd met via my kids when they were in ES and would just run into and chat with occasionally. The key thing was finding a consistent way to get together regularly...

One woman asked me to walk with her once a week.
Another started a group to get together for coffee on the weekend.
Another was someone I met at church and we were chatting about books - she suggested we start a 2-person book club. Now we get together about once a month to talk books.

[Anonymous]

Kids sport
Work
Pickleball
Golf

[Anonymous]

I've made 5 close friends since age 45:

-- the mom of one of my daughter's close friends -- we had a lot of time to chat while watching soccer practice
-- a book club friend who reached out to me during COVID, so we became walking buddies and have remained close friends
-- a friend from church, who also became a COVID walking buddy and close friend
-- a friend who is an early-riser like me and is . . . yet again . . . a walking buddy
-- a neighbor whose husband died -- I baked a loaf of bread for her and she brought me some flowers from her garden and now we're good friends

Looking back, it didn't take a huge effort to make new friends, but getting together consistently -- for a walk, or at a kid's practice, or for easy Sunday night dinners -- has been important.

[Anonymous]

OP, who can you reconnect with from your past? Honestly, if you were ever friends or thought you got along, reach out. And continue reaching out to new people. Ask if they want to walk. Something active. A walk, they would probably see as adding value (exercise) to their week. Conversation isn't forced as much either. Don't aim for anything more than 1 hour. Eventually try to settle in to a predictable routine of 1 hour a week with this person, a certain day at a certain time. What will likely happen, hopefully, is eventually neither of you will plan routine other obligations that conflict. It might take years for this to become a pattern. I've built this with several friends. Separate friends, we aren't a group, they don't know each other. Outside of one hour a week, we don't expect other contact w/texts or emails, or social media.

I have one weekly group activity. Done it for years. Only one of the above friends came from that. Generally everyone in the group (including me) or any group wants to keep at arm's length. No one wants to venture into true friendship territory. Not sure why that is. I guess maybe we value our opportunity to be in the group so much we don't want anything to risk our comfort in attending. That particular way of casual socializing has its merit's but it's nothing like making good one-on-one friendships.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find a regular activity that you do consistently. There’s a study that shows adults need about 130 hours (something around there) together to become close friends.
If you go to a meetup just once or twice it’s unlikely anything will pan out.
But if you go to the same group every week and see some of the same people, over time they can become friends.
I hear your pain as I struggle with the same since kids are older and personal life changes among friends have led to previous friend groups scattering.

[Anonymous]

I met them at work. I'm 48 and get the majority of my friends from work.

[Anonymous]

I agree in the value of a regular activity done consistently, in turning an acquaintance into a friend. But mentioning because I'm intrigued by this about myself, the older I get the better my radar is for identifying good friend matches. In a very short time.

Acquaintances, I have lots of those.

[Anonymous]

I met "friends" at work but they were situational and when I left a job things just faded in a couple of years.
I met a friend as a neighbor but they moved.
I don't have any now.

[Anonymous]

Former co-workers, their friends, and relatives are my new pals. Most are men though.

[Anonymous]

Tennis brought a lot of women my age into my life in my 40's. I have made friends with many of them and have a whole new social circle eight years in to it.

[Anonymous]

Great question. I don’t get the impression that most women are interested in making friends. They appear only interested in their children and possibly spouse.

[Anonymous]

If you are a knitter, your knitting circle needs better advertisement or maybe a different timing for gatherings. I go to two knitting/crafts groups, and the overwhelming majority there are millennials. I am one of the older ones at 52.

Do you have any friends who live somewhere else but may have friends in your area? This is how a few people I know found new friendships - someone connected them to their college friend or a former coworker.

[Anonymous]

AA meetings!

[Anonymous]

Church. I joined a faith community over the past two years and made an incredible group of friends.

[Anonymous]

I (about to turn 47) have a few very close friends. No one I met after 45, but I was 44 and she was 47, so I’ll count it…

We moved in my late 30s and I read at the time that the biggest predictor of whether you’ll be friends with someone is whether you have repeat, unplanned interactions. I assume that’s because you have something (neighborhood, work, hobby, kids sports etc) in place to begin with.

I hate to tell you but the one friend felt like dumb luck plus repeat exposure. Though there might have been some kindergarten teacher intuition as well.

I was at my then kindergartners’ talent show. I asked the woman next to me if her child was performing. She said “no, he’s just over there with friends watching the show”. I asked his name (I’ll call him Steve) and grade (5th).

I said “oh my gosh! He’s my kindergartner, Sally’s reading buddy! I’m so glad we met. She’s been so sad about how hard it is to learn to read, but Steve wrote her the kindest, most encouraging card about how he didn’t know how until the end of first grade and she’s smart and is working hard and he knows she’s getting frustrated, but also knows it out.”

The mom said “I’m quite sure you have the wrong Steve. My kid has never written a note like that in his life.”

She walked over and said “Hey, Steve, who’s your kindergarten reading buddy?” And he lit up with this huge grin and said “Sally!”

We then ran into each other at a party a few weeks later. Sally had just been going to speech therapy and we were suspecting ADHD (since diagnosed). She was having huge outbursts at school. The mom told me anout how this sounded like Steve annd what her experiences had been. She was at a point where she worried about Steve generally and felt comfort knowing he was being kind.

Obviously these days we talk about many broader topics than our kids (I have 3rd and 7th girls; she has 4th and 8th boys) and their diagnoses - actually the first party after the talent show she was considering applying to a new position at work and asked what I thought - but it started out with our kids being matched and then us eventually meeting as well.