PTAs: I don't want to donate money to facilitate adults socializing with their friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

Sometimes people are cliquey. I am a parent of an older child and have been volunteering consistently for five years. Most of the PTA clique people still don't know my name. Some of them have children in class with my eldest and they also don't seem to know this, which is wild to me.

Sometimes people suck.

You’re giving these people a lot of power. Introduce yourself if you think they don’t know your name. I am terrible with faces and names, and always forget whose kid belongs to whom. This probably makes me a terrible school volunteer in some respects and I’m sure some people take this personally. It’s not about them. There’s nobody at the school I wouldn’t chat with. I’m just busy and bad at names but still want to give a lot of time and effort to their school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

Sometimes people are cliquey. I am a parent of an older child and have been volunteering consistently for five years. Most of the PTA clique people still don't know my name. Some of them have children in class with my eldest and they also don't seem to know this, which is wild to me.

Sometimes people suck.

I'm always highly suspicious of posters like this who just default to "people suck". I'm an introvert with social anxiety. I'm not going to be the life of the party. I accept that people may not warm to me immediately. But I work hard when I volunteer, contribute ideas and am a good team player, so people have generally been friendly and welcoming. My youngest is in high school now, I've been doing this for many years in different schools with different PTAs. Some groups are harder to break into than others, but that's on YOU, the volunteer, to make the extra effort. It's a cop-out to just blame everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I’m pro PTA and am not part of any PTa clique as I never volunteer or attend meetings. But I agree with OP that the PTA money should not be used for things like parent happy hours. I went to one once and it was nice but not that many parents attend and I don’t think it really did that much or build community. Sponsoring stuff for the kids like a spring fling or talent show or science fair is better and actually builds community among the parents more organically.

[Anonymous]

Our district's elementary PTAs sometimes had end of year happy hours but everyone paid their own tab.

And once a year, there's a Founder's Day banquet (kind of like a high school club or team's banquet). The PTAs usually budget for about 8 tickets. And any PTA member can apply for a free ticket. This is usually undersubscribed. It is a volunteer recognition and networking ceremony. It's also a chance for state PTA officials to meet with the district's PTA leaders.

It was pleasant and about $25 per person. And we host our teacher and adult volunteer of the year and our principal. Kind of immaterial to the PTA overall budget.

This is not a big issue in our district.

[Anonymous]

I have some insight from serving on the board of a nonprofit that spends tens of thousands on a gala and other “thank you” celebration events for donors and participants. From the outside, it might look like wasteful spending — as if the organization is just funding a fancy social gathering. But in reality, these events are strategic investments that often pay off many times over throughout the year.

High-profile donors and community leaders want to be part of these occasions. They see them as opportunities to network, feel appreciated, and connect directly with the mission and the people behind it. Those connections often lead to substantial donations, new partnerships, and long-term support that simply wouldn’t happen otherwise.

In short, what might seem like a “party” from the outside is actually part of a well-thought-out development strategy that fuels the organization’s ability to do its real work — the programs and outreach that make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

Sometimes people are cliquey. I am a parent of an older child and have been volunteering consistently for five years. Most of the PTA clique people still don't know my name. Some of them have children in class with my eldest and they also don't seem to know this, which is wild to me.

Sometimes people suck.

You’re giving these people a lot of power. Introduce yourself if you think they don’t know your name. I am terrible with faces and names, and always forget whose kid belongs to whom. This probably makes me a terrible school volunteer in some respects and I’m sure some people take this personally. It’s not about them. There’s nobody at the school I wouldn’t chat with. I’m just busy and bad at names but still want to give a lot of time and effort to their school.

Lol I have introduced myself to these people many times. They don't care, they are not interested in meeting parents who are not part of their clique.

I have friends outside of my kid's school, to me it's not about making friends, but creating community at the school. I make a point of learning the names of the kids in my child's grade and, when I meet them, their parents. Of course it's not perfect and sometimes I forget, but I go out of my way to do it because I think it helps to create a caring environment for the kids when they see that the adults around them are invested in them as a group and not just in their individual kid.

If you make a point of talking to people at the school outside of your friend group, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the cliquey parents who only interact with the parents/families they know, ignore other people, and don't make any effort to make the school a welcoming and open community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

Sometimes people are cliquey. I am a parent of an older child and have been volunteering consistently for five years. Most of the PTA clique people still don't know my name. Some of them have children in class with my eldest and they also don't seem to know this, which is wild to me.

Sometimes people suck.

I'm always highly suspicious of posters like this who just default to "people suck". I'm an introvert with social anxiety. I'm not going to be the life of the party. I accept that people may not warm to me immediately. But I work hard when I volunteer, contribute ideas and am a good team player, so people have generally been friendly and welcoming. My youngest is in high school now, I've been doing this for many years in different schools with different PTAs. Some groups are harder to break into than others, but that's on YOU, the volunteer, to make the extra effort. It's a cop-out to just blame everyone else.

If a volunteer group is "hard to break into" that is in fact the fault of the people running the volunteer group. Volunteer groups should, by nature, be open to people who want to volunteer. That's the whole point. It absolutely should not be on individual volunteers to make "extra effort" to overcome people being cold and exclusive. If you believe that's the case, then you will wind up with anemic volunteering rates because plenty of people will decide "oh this is not worth it, I have other stuff to think about" and just bail. If your group's existence depends on people showing up to work for free, you need to go out of your way to make that easy and welcoming.

[Anonymous]

Our PTA releases a monthly ledger of cash in, cash out that is emailed to every parent. It has never once spent money on parent-only social events. You can ask for this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some insight from serving on the board of a nonprofit that spends tens of thousands on a gala and other “thank you” celebration events for donors and participants. From the outside, it might look like wasteful spending — as if the organization is just funding a fancy social gathering. But in reality, these events are strategic investments that often pay off many times over throughout the year.

High-profile donors and community leaders want to be part of these occasions. They see them as opportunities to network, feel appreciated, and connect directly with the mission and the people behind it. Those connections often lead to substantial donations, new partnerships, and long-term support that simply wouldn’t happen otherwise.

In short, what might seem like a “party” from the outside is actually part of a well-thought-out development strategy that fuels the organization’s ability to do its real work — the programs and outreach that make a difference.

This is controversial though, especially with a non-profit like a PTA. Because what it amounts to is spending organizational money to court big potential donors (i.e. rich people) in the hopes they will donate more money. But then when those big donations roll in, the big donors believe they have purchased influence with their donation, and it creates a cycle in which the organization continues to cater to and court the big donors, again using organizational money.

For a regular non-profit, not connected to a school, this can result in mission shift and a diversion of resources from the "real work" of the organization. This is why many non-profits score very low on actual money/assistance provided to their target cause, because so much of the organization's funding just winds up going to executive salaries, fundraising events, nice offices, advertising, etc., all in the name of "it attracts big donors" but then the big donors just want to spend money on more of that and less and less goes to the target cause.

For a PTA, it is especially toxic because the target cause of the PTA is the school itself, and all members, by definition, have children at the school. What happens is these big donors then want to direct funds towards the projects they think will benefit their kids or their family the most. Parents who have less money but still volunteer and donate to the PTA also have kids at the school, but because they might only be donating $50 or $00 here and there as they can, their voices are overwhelmed by the big donor parents and the PTA board who caters to them. This means that the larger group of lower-income parents wind up volunteering and donating money to support the demands of big donor parents. It's a fundamentally unequal setup that undermines the entire purpose of the PTA, which is create community for ALL families and kids at the school. It's especially troubling at a public school where most of the school's funding comes from public dollars, and where where the PTA might be partially funded by public and private grants intended to benefit the entire school or even specifically to benefit the kids most in need.

[Anonymous]

You might be confused. The adult only events are often fundraisers. They aren’t paid for by the pta. The parents come to socialize and also give money to the school.

I am part of the pta and we have never paid for some adult social event. I believe the pta may chip in for coffee and pastries for some parent coffees at the school. I’m not even sure if that is pta or school who pays for that.

School is a community. Parents are very much involved. Some of my closest friends are from the pta, even if our kids are not in the same grade or class. These pta people are also my neighbors. My current closest friend is someone I worked an event with. We just really clicked. Her husband and my husband work in the same industry and we love hanging out together. It has never been on the PTA’s time. We both have attended school fundraisers, usually a restaurant night where we are buying our own food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

Sometimes people are cliquey. I am a parent of an older child and have been volunteering consistently for five years. Most of the PTA clique people still don't know my name. Some of them have children in class with my eldest and they also don't seem to know this, which is wild to me.

Sometimes people suck.

I'm always highly suspicious of posters like this who just default to "people suck". I'm an introvert with social anxiety. I'm not going to be the life of the party. I accept that people may not warm to me immediately. But I work hard when I volunteer, contribute ideas and am a good team player, so people have generally been friendly and welcoming. My youngest is in high school now, I've been doing this for many years in different schools with different PTAs. Some groups are harder to break into than others, but that's on YOU, the volunteer, to make the extra effort. It's a cop-out to just blame everyone else.

If a volunteer group is "hard to break into" that is in fact the fault of the people running the volunteer group. Volunteer groups should, by nature, be open to people who want to volunteer. That's the whole point. It absolutely should not be on individual volunteers to make "extra effort" to overcome people being cold and exclusive. If you believe that's the case, then you will wind up with anemic volunteering rates because plenty of people will decide "oh this is not worth it, I have other stuff to think about" and just bail. If your group's existence depends on people showing up to work for free, you need to go out of your way to make that easy and welcoming.

Our book fair committee is very cliquey. It seems silly to exclude volunteers but they do. They will go out for lunch or drinks and not invite others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might be confused. The adult only events are often fundraisers. They aren’t paid for by the pta. The parents come to socialize and also give money to the school.

I am part of the pta and we have never paid for some adult social event. I believe the pta may chip in for coffee and pastries for some parent coffees at the school. I’m not even sure if that is pta or school who pays for that.

School is a community. Parents are very much involved. Some of my closest friends are from the pta, even if our kids are not in the same grade or class. These pta people are also my neighbors. My current closest friend is someone I worked an event with. We just really clicked. Her husband and my husband work in the same industry and we love hanging out together. It has never been on the PTA’s time. We both have attended school fundraisers, usually a restaurant night where we are buying our own food.

OP specifically stated that the adult-only events should be fundraisers, so I don't think she's confused.

It sounds like some PTAs do this and others don't. Our PTA does sometimes sponsor events that seem a lot more focused on adults than kids, though kids are welcome. Like they have sponsored happy hours and trivia nights at kid-friendly restaurants. We rarely go because my kid only enjoys it if her friends are there and usually they are not. It's not a good venue for kids to make new friends because it's not at a playground and doesn't feature an activity that encourages kids to mix.

I definitely prefer PTA events that are geared toward the whole family and with kids' preferences in mind. I like events at the school where the kids all get together and play and goof around and where you can meet and interact with a broader cross section of parents -- not everyone likes drinking or trivia, but lots of people will show up for a literacy night or international night at the school just to support their kid. I just tend to find these events a lot more welcoming and fun for the family than a smaller event focused on an adult activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might be confused. The adult only events are often fundraisers. They aren’t paid for by the pta. The parents come to socialize and also give money to the school.

I am part of the pta and we have never paid for some adult social event. I believe the pta may chip in for coffee and pastries for some parent coffees at the school. I’m not even sure if that is pta or school who pays for that.

School is a community. Parents are very much involved. Some of my closest friends are from the pta, even if our kids are not in the same grade or class. These pta people are also my neighbors. My current closest friend is someone I worked an event with. We just really clicked. Her husband and my husband work in the same industry and we love hanging out together. It has never been on the PTA’s time. We both have attended school fundraisers, usually a restaurant night where we are buying our own food.

OP specifically stated that the adult-only events should be fundraisers, so I don't think she's confused.

It sounds like some PTAs do this and others don't. Our PTA does sometimes sponsor events that seem a lot more focused on adults than kids, though kids are welcome. Like they have sponsored happy hours and trivia nights at kid-friendly restaurants. We rarely go because my kid only enjoys it if her friends are there and usually they are not. It's not a good venue for kids to make new friends because it's not at a playground and doesn't feature an activity that encourages kids to mix.

I definitely prefer PTA events that are geared toward the whole family and with kids' preferences in mind. I like events at the school where the kids all get together and play and goof around and where you can meet and interact with a broader cross section of parents -- not everyone likes drinking or trivia, but lots of people will show up for a literacy night or international night at the school just to support their kid. I just tend to find these events a lot more welcoming and fun for the family than a smaller event focused on an adult activity.

Our school definitely does not pay for parents to socialize. I don’t think it is a bad idea though. Our school encourages planning adult socials. They are absolutely not paid for by the school or pta though. We have restaurant nights and in years past, there were adult fundraisers with an auction.

[Anonymous]

PTAs vary widely from school to school even within the same school district. OP's position is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I disagree - some schools do a great job of community building with family-focused events. Our current ES doesn't do any of that and I'm not sure where the money is actually going. I loved our old ES with it's welcome picnic, fall fair, and spring fling - it was so fun for the kids!