Leaving a narcissist

[Anonymous]

I did. But I warn you abuse often escalates after leaving as it did in my case. Coparenting with someone with NPD is awful. Sometimes I feel I traded one prison for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To add some -
- wanted to be with the kids alone without me in the room bc he is intimidated by my bond with the kids
- abused alcohol around them
- dangerous driver esp when mad
- bosses them around (go get me this, clean up my mess)
- fun dad at times. Buying them stuff and giving them whatever they want

This was something my ex did and it evolved during the divorce process and after to accusations of parental alienation and really insane ideas about what amount of custody he “deserved”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. But I warn you abuse often escalates after leaving as it did in my case. Coparenting with someone with NPD is awful. Sometimes I feel I traded one prison for another.

Mine divorced me, or else I would have stayed, because I knew it would be worse if we were divorced, and it is. I was staying only to protect my kids. He divorced me because he decided that he was going to be given 100% custody if he did. He didn’t get that and it’s a nightmare having to deal with him until the kids are 18.

[Anonymous]

In the process of getting divorced from ASPD husband. It’s very difficult - he became abusive, erratic, didn’t work for 12 years, lives in his room like a hoarder. He bought 15 “investment cars” that are rotting on our property. Got 3 large dogs that I’m forced to take care of until I get a court order hopefully in November.

[Anonymous]

Any examples of men leaving their wives who have BPD? I know a friend who is with a wife who is a narcissist with a wicked temper and bullies people. The world revolves around her.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. He's not gonna' change.

[Anonymous]

He filed for divorce when he found a better narcissistic supply. And then went to war against me. It has been relentless and insane and expensive. Everyone in my life who says "but that doesn't make sense....why is he behaving like this if he's supposedly in love with someone else?"....doesn't understand clinical NPD. My STBX is doing whatever TF he can to try to control me. It really doesn't matter who files first - leaving a narcissistic relationship is incredibly challenging even if they are the ones who want it.

Someone on this board recommended the book Splitting which was incredibly helpful. It gave me a clear picture of how my divorce has played out and is still playing out. The only surprise is no surprise. He has alienated the adult kids from me, which is also text book.

With tons of therapy I have 1. looked at what it was in me that chose to be with someone like him (raised by a narcissist - I can see now that my ex is an insanely extreme version of my parent. I was primed to be comfortable with that kind of uncomfortable behavior - it was familiar and I learned how to manage it as a child....) 2. I have a playbook for his behavior and it's literally all in this book so nothing surprises me (believe me I still get plenty angry but I've done a lot of work on acknowledging the anger and letting go). 3. I have made peace with the parental alienation - it's not a winnable battle. Eventually they will probably realize what happened. For now I keep lines of communication open, still send cards and gifts, and focus on staying strong to get through this.

My ex wants to try to destroy me. I know it's Mel Robbins-ish and she's polarizing (but I love her) and I say "let him try. he won't."

I miss having my kids in my life but I can't control that. My life away from my ex is still 100000000 times better.

Educate yourself on what you will be up against and don't expect him to change or be reasonable in any way shape or form. That's more powerful than you can imagine because your ex still believes the narrative that you are not aware of how you were manipulated and controlled. Use it to your advantage. GOOD LUCK! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He filed for divorce when he found a better narcissistic supply. And then went to war against me. It has been relentless and insane and expensive. Everyone in my life who says "but that doesn't make sense....why is he behaving like this if he's supposedly in love with someone else?"....doesn't understand clinical NPD. My STBX is doing whatever TF he can to try to control me. It really doesn't matter who files first - leaving a narcissistic relationship is incredibly challenging even if they are the ones who want it.

Someone on this board recommended the book Splitting which was incredibly helpful. It gave me a clear picture of how my divorce has played out and is still playing out. The only surprise is no surprise. He has alienated the adult kids from me, which is also text book.

With tons of therapy I have 1. looked at what it was in me that chose to be with someone like him (raised by a narcissist - I can see now that my ex is an insanely extreme version of my parent. I was primed to be comfortable with that kind of uncomfortable behavior - it was familiar and I learned how to manage it as a child....) 2. I have a playbook for his behavior and it's literally all in this book so nothing surprises me (believe me I still get plenty angry but I've done a lot of work on acknowledging the anger and letting go). 3. I have made peace with the parental alienation - it's not a winnable battle. Eventually they will probably realize what happened. For now I keep lines of communication open, still send cards and gifts, and focus on staying strong to get through this.

My ex wants to try to destroy me. I know it's Mel Robbins-ish and she's polarizing (but I love her) and I say "let him try. he won't."

I miss having my kids in my life but I can't control that. My life away from my ex is still 100000000 times better.

Educate yourself on what you will be up against and don't expect him to change or be reasonable in any way shape or form. That's more powerful than you can imagine because your ex still believes the narrative that you are not aware of how you were manipulated and controlled. Use it to your advantage. GOOD LUCK! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

DP
I think I may have been the one who recommended Splitting. I am sorry to hear that it’s been so challenging, but it sounds like you’ve found your own peace and power.

I am still dealing with mine (younger kids). He filed for legal custody in false claims. It’s going to be a costly trial and I am finding it overwhelming, to be honest. Not even the trial itself but the fact that I’m still dealing with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the process of getting divorced from ASPD husband. It’s very difficult - he became abusive, erratic, didn’t work for 12 years, lives in his room like a hoarder. He bought 15 “investment cars” that are rotting on our property. Got 3 large dogs that I’m forced to take care of until I get a court order hopefully in November.

I was living with ASPD gf, until May. The lying, cheating etc.. is so egregious… you don’t think it is possible ( until I got it confirmed, another guy in my bldg). I googled “ no conscious “ and it came up, and it was all there.

I’ve read up on this in detail… basically don’t give them attention… so effective. Block everywhere, calls, text, social media, just leave email open ( bc in your case, you still need to have a channel). Get bloodwork for STD tests, I was fortunate there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - can anyone talk about what is abuse to kids? Is just anger and yelling abuse or is that normal for a DH/dad? I feel like I have normalized things over the past many many years so I am unsure if I’m being dramatic or if it’s abuse.

90% of time neglect and ignore kids, then explode
Push and pull dynamic with them.
Kids are starved for attention so then become pawns.
He’d buy them whatever they wanted, dole out screens, candy, cake if he was “with it.”
Never parenting, no discipline
Parentified the children - they’d have to clean up after him. He’d have them make all parenting decisions. Decide what to do.

Can add this to my list too - he even wrote in his court materials how daughter was a "good girl" because she "even makes him his coffee" and cleans up the kitchen wiping down the counters and remembering what groceries they need. He also wrote about taking them to an activity he knew she didn’t like, "but that she pretended to like it to make [him] happy and show an interest in something he liked, she is such a good girl". She was 9.

He also praised "maturity" to serve his interests and compliments were more like orders "I'm so proud of you, you always take care of your little brother" making her the mother/responsible parent.

That’s gross.

Family courts in America really go for this? Poor kids. They have no rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - can anyone talk about what is abuse to kids? Is just anger and yelling abuse or is that normal for a DH/dad? I feel like I have normalized things over the past many many years so I am unsure if I’m being dramatic or if it’s abuse.

90% of time neglect and ignore kids, then explode
Push and pull dynamic with them.
Kids are starved for attention so then become pawns.
He’d buy them whatever they wanted, dole out screens, candy, cake if he was “with it.”
Never parenting, no discipline
Parentified the children - they’d have to clean up after him. He’d have them make all parenting decisions. Decide what to do.

Can add this to my list too - he even wrote in his court materials how daughter was a "good girl" because she "even makes him his coffee" and cleans up the kitchen wiping down the counters and remembering what groceries they need. He also wrote about taking them to an activity he knew she didn’t like, "but that she pretended to like it to make [him] happy and show an interest in something he liked, she is such a good girl". She was 9.

He also praised "maturity" to serve his interests and compliments were more like orders "I'm so proud of you, you always take care of your little brother" making her the mother/responsible parent.

That’s gross.

Family courts in America really go for this? Poor kids. They have no rights.

What’s gross is people having children with someone they should not and then complaining about it later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - can anyone talk about what is abuse to kids? Is just anger and yelling abuse or is that normal for a DH/dad? I feel like I have normalized things over the past many many years so I am unsure if I’m being dramatic or if it’s abuse.

No it is not "normal for a dad"

You are not being overly dramatic, it is abuse.

OP, I have worked in many battered women's homes. It only gets worse, even if he never laid a hand on you or your kids.. Emotional abuse is definitely a thing.

While you are thinking about leaving do these two things.
1. Make copies of all your financial records. Hide them in a safe spot. People used to use safety deposit boxes if not available, rent a locker somewhere.
2. Get a bunch of Visa cards at the Grocery store, CVS, target, Walmart, even Lowes or Home Depot sells them. Like $25 or $50 ones and hide them as well.

This way if you have to leave in a hurry you have money and information for your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. But I warn you abuse often escalates after leaving as it did in my case. Coparenting with someone with NPD is awful. Sometimes I feel I traded one prison for another.

Sadly this is well said. I see you and feel you, OP. I’m on year eight of post separation abuse and he’s still filing motions- even knowing that the motions wouldn’t go to court while the kids are still minors.
Its exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - can anyone talk about what is abuse to kids? Is just anger and yelling abuse or is that normal for a DH/dad? I feel like I have normalized things over the past many many years so I am unsure if I’m being dramatic or if it’s abuse.

90% of time neglect and ignore kids, then explode
Push and pull dynamic with them.
Kids are starved for attention so then become pawns.
He’d buy them whatever they wanted, dole out screens, candy, cake if he was “with it.”
Never parenting, no discipline
Parentified the children - they’d have to clean up after him. He’d have them make all parenting decisions. Decide what to do.

Can add this to my list too - he even wrote in his court materials how daughter was a "good girl" because she "even makes him his coffee" and cleans up the kitchen wiping down the counters and remembering what groceries they need. He also wrote about taking them to an activity he knew she didn’t like, "but that she pretended to like it to make [him] happy and show an interest in something he liked, she is such a good girl". She was 9.

He also praised "maturity" to serve his interests and compliments were more like orders "I'm so proud of you, you always take care of your little brother" making her the mother/responsible parent.

That’s gross.

Family courts in America really go for this? Poor kids. They have no rights.

What’s gross is people having children with someone they should not and then complaining about it later.

Lucky for you 40% of children have a “father” who never showed up at all, even for child support. He just hit and forget it. Skipped town. Had many children with many women. Skipped town.

So what’s left is the other 60% of childrens fathers who aren’t in jail or running off but aren’t doing so hot as fathers or life partners either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - can anyone talk about what is abuse to kids? Is just anger and yelling abuse or is that normal for a DH/dad? I feel like I have normalized things over the past many many years so I am unsure if I’m being dramatic or if it’s abuse.

90% of time neglect and ignore kids, then explode
Push and pull dynamic with them.
Kids are starved for attention so then become pawns.
He’d buy them whatever they wanted, dole out screens, candy, cake if he was “with it.”
Never parenting, no discipline
Parentified the children - they’d have to clean up after him. He’d have them make all parenting decisions. Decide what to do.

Can add this to my list too - he even wrote in his court materials how daughter was a "good girl" because she "even makes him his coffee" and cleans up the kitchen wiping down the counters and remembering what groceries they need. He also wrote about taking them to an activity he knew she didn’t like, "but that she pretended to like it to make [him] happy and show an interest in something he liked, she is such a good girl". She was 9.

He also praised "maturity" to serve his interests and compliments were more like orders "I'm so proud of you, you always take care of your little brother" making her the mother/responsible parent.

That’s gross.

Family courts in America really go for this? Poor kids. They have no rights.

True.
Delinquent father’s rights >>>> child’s rights.