DH putting interests and activities first

[Anonymous]

Yes, marathon runner, golfer, spouse. I just plan times to leave for entire chunks of the weekend for myself and assign them kid-related tasks. Same for some evenings. Plus, we have a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since my husband prioritizes himself, I now only sign my kids up for activities I know I can take them to myself. My husband always says he’ll help drive them or come with us, but he flakes out at the last minute.

The bluff about driving is my top pet peeve. My DH thinks that saying he’ll drive but then flaking out at the last minute is the same thing as actually taking the kids somewhere, because his intent is good.

I think that when it comes to kids, nothing counts but whether you do the things/show up/take action. But a lot of men hide behind intent as a cover to do whatever they want while still telling themselves they’re a great dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No.

However, Mr Husband is not gonna change.
He’s got away with not assuring for so long

-- Prepare to be the sole parent for everything
-- Hire help maybe to assist
-- Deal or
-- Divorce, force 50/50 (he will get his Mom, or GF, or a sitter to "parent")

This. Join the Father+Mother in One Club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since my husband prioritizes himself, I now only sign my kids up for activities I know I can take them to myself. My husband always says he’ll help drive them or come with us, but he flakes out at the last minute.

The bluff about driving is my top pet peeve. My DH thinks that saying he’ll drive but then flaking out at the last minute is the same thing as actually taking the kids somewhere, because his intent is good.

I think that when it comes to kids, nothing counts but whether you do the things/show up/take action. But a lot of men hide behind intent as a cover to do whatever they want while still telling themselves they’re a great dad.

so true.

all talk, no action.

the intent excuse = unreliable.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're not very interesting, or he wouldn't look for things to do that don't involve you. Did you gain a lot of weight recently?

[Anonymous]

I know so many men like your husband. I dated one for 6 months not long ago. He just likes his space, his own things, his freedom, and had no business being in a relationship. They just don't know it.
Before someone says that I was too much probably, I rarely saw him. Twice a month for 2 hours was his ideal relationship. In his head, we were dating.
In my head, he was a traumatized little kid who wanted nothing that comes with relationship.
He even left some of his friends behind when he thought they were too much.
He does come around in the end though after after months like a kid who forgot they broke something. Annoying as heck.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

[Anonymous]

The kids will intend to see him or help him in later life but something comes up....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just have the fight.

As a PP said, make it about fairness. And be totally blunt - "Larlo, Boy Scouts isn't about you or your enjoyment. It's a parental duty." And don't try to sweeten the pot with things like him knowing other dads there like it's some bargaining chip

And don't let him weasel out by saying he didn't want the kids to do all these activities anyway. That discussion can be tabled until this fall's activities are over.

I think you just have to stop tiptoeing around this and have the come to Jesus.

It’s only a parental duty of both parents jointly agreed on the activity or if they agreed that activities were something they would give their child and they would split the duties when it came to making it happen.

I don’t think it’s fair to unilaterally decide on how many and which activities are going to happen and then expect the other parent to split the duties of making them happen.

I love how you just skipped over where I explicitly addressed that.

And then made up a scenario of what you think the OP did.

Never change DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids will intend to see him or help him in later life but something comes up....

+1

Cat's in the Cradle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

Oh my god. How do you deal. I would not agree to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

Oh my god. How do you deal. I would not agree to that.

Yeah you'll agree to spend his increased income though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

Why do you work if he makes more than $5m? You could not work, hire most things, and have most of your days to yourself. I have a high earning spouse and still work, but if he was pulling in $5m, I'd certainly quit my job.

[Anonymous]

Unless he signed the kids up for those things, there's no reason he should take them. If they want to do the activity, they should arrange their own rides.

[Anonymous]

This led to divorce in my case.