Am I supposed to make more effort towards future SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL (DH’s brother) is getting married. I have never hung out with BIL alone. I see him over the holidays and family gatherings. My friends seemed surprised that I haven’t been hanging out with my future SIL.

Am I supposed to be making more effort?

Do I have to take her out alone to try to get to know her better?

Sounds like you’d be some spy for your husband or MIL.

Unless they are 22 yo or something just do your thing. If he time for the non blood relatives to sit around and complain will be in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL (DH’s brother) is getting married. I have never hung out with BIL alone. I see him over the holidays and family gatherings. My friends seemed surprised that I haven’t been hanging out with my future SIL.

Am I supposed to be making more effort?

Do I have to take her out alone to try to get to know her better?

No.

[Anonymous]

It would be nice to start things off on the right foot since they're getting married.
Shortly after we got married I asked my new SIL (husband's sister) out for drinks and she replied "I already have so many friends" in a way that basically shut the door on us ever having a relationship.

[Anonymous]

No, if you aren't close to BIL, you don't need to make some major effort. Just be polite and welcoming when you do see her.

I have become a pro at this stuff and I married into a high drama family. My rules are:

*always take high road and always be polite even if not reciprocated

*gradually build relationships so you can figure out if the person is safe. Don't force closeness, but leave the door open for more of a friendship until you see major red flags

*Stay out of any gossip and badmouthing even if you agree.

*Don't share anything personal until you know the person is safe which takes a long time. Keep conversations light and positive.

*Offer help and favors that you truly enjoy so there isn't resentment. Offer only when you expect nothing in return.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand married-in women who try to insert themselves and make much of themselves like this. You are not a main character in this scenario! Relationships develop ORGANICALLY, and you don’t need to make much of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL (DH’s brother) is getting married. I have never hung out with BIL alone. I see him over the holidays and family gatherings. My friends seemed surprised that I haven’t been hanging out with my future SIL.

Am I supposed to be making more effort?

Do I have to take her out alone to try to get to know her better?

You could at least be welcoming. You married into this family and so is she and she will be family. You don't need to be BFF but you should be polite and pleasant.. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

i;m sure you're cordial to her and friendly when the family is together that's all you need be. you do not need to be bff. and presumanly you have known her for a bit and met her before i would think it very strange if you startef wanting to be besties after knowing me for awhile

[Anonymous]

No. Just be cordial if you can.😁

[Anonymous]

Don't you host normal casual get togethers with your friends etc? Include BIL and his fiance too. What is the problem?

You just have to be cordial and warm. Nothing else. Also, don't be a bean counter. If they don't reciprocate, it is a-ok.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never done anything alone with either to my SILs in 20 years and we get along just fine.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be bitter.

[Anonymous]

Im trying to think if I've ever done anything alone with my sils on either side of my family. I can recall watching my nieces when my brother was out of town and SIL had a thing to do, so I must have hung out at her house for a bit when going over for the kids.

I drove my sil to a family function onelce when my bil was out of town and she needed a ride.

Once on a family vacation sil and I went for a long walk together to get out of the house.

But i dont think we've ever planned to get lunch or drink or anything like that just because. We spend plenty of time together at family functions. We are friends and friendly. We occasionally text funny videos. But, you can do all of that without private get togethers.

[Anonymous]

I have kids who are probably only a few years younger than the OP. I will give her the same advice that I give my kids.

I do not believe in getting very close to relatives. They are my relatives, not the friends that I have made through my own choice. Secondly, you don't "win friends and influence people" where relatives are concerned. You cannot change their habits, political views, socialization, dysfunction, striver-ness, education, life experience, health, addictions. It is what it is. You have to be present for "occasions" and you have to "help" them if you have the capacity to. They are a diverse cross-section of society. From the richest to the poorest. Enlightened to Delulu. Make America Great Again - to - Make America Gay Again.

I will fulfil all my social obligations by showing up for everything that I am invited to. I will attend birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, funerals, baptisms. I see relatives as a collective. I don't try and have individual relationships with them. So, I will invite, give similar gifts, greet - everyone.

When I got married, I realized that some relatives close to my MIL were very conniving and my MIL was easily influenced by them because she was really naive and easily flattered. So, I basically would get very busy when they came around. I knew that they were extremely dangerous people and so, I kept my mouth shut and busied myself in making delicious treats for them. My MIL would be very pleased with me because she thought I was showing respect to everyone by being the doting doormat daughter-in-law. On the other hand, I was playing the game of "how to be safe from poisonous snakes". The busier I got stuffing food in their mouths, the less I had to interact with them.

The same for a particularly vile sister-in-law. As soon as she stepped in the house, I would swoop in to play with her kids and keep them entertained. They were happy with it and I was safe from joining in. In my culture, I could not leave guests and go and take a walk myself. I had to be around to socialize with them. My "go to" option was always be the auntie who likes kids. I used to have all kinds of games and toys, crafts for kids...and it gave me an easy out. I don't dislike kids, but I was taught by my mom to not get involved in family politics and not to be available to gossip. By being the chef and childcare person for a short while, I could keep myself protected for very little effort. I was the only one who did not get involved in family politics and was a neutral person. Also, the women liked me because I lessened their work burden.

I have passed this on to both my kids. You don't pick relatives, like you can pick friends. There are always some dysfunctional and toxic relatives who like to create discord, and most of the time you do not have the option to cut them off because other relatives are linked to them. So, when you meet such people, minimize any conversation and interaction by being extremely busy and helpful doing small chores for the host.

When my kids first go to any family gathering, they first have to quickly go around greeting everyone individually. Every relative gets a "hello uncle/aunt so and so", a quick hug, a quick peck on the cheek..and then they move to the next relative. Then they will offer to replenish drinks, get plates of food for people, ask if people if they need something - and then make themselves scarce after that. Otherwise they will start getting questions and comments about their appearance, romantic life, grades, career plan...etc, etc. If they don't want that to happen, they better keep it moving.

The impression my kids leave behind is of nephew/niece who are respectful, helpful, polite and not argumentative about anything. When toxic people ask them to join in for any "Hey what do you think about...something controversial" They excuse themselves for the moment by saying they will finish some small chore or help with childcare, and then circle back. Then my kids become scarce. They do a craft with the kids, make them watch a cartoon, clear the table, refill the drinks, make tea for everyone, take out the trash, pass on the snacks...and then excuse themself and go on to enjoy the rest of the day.

Long story short - OP has to be very warm, solicitous and polite to the future SIL. She can include her in any large family get-together she is hosting. Keep the chit-chat neutral. Other than that? Nothing else is required.

[Anonymous]

Your relationship with your BIL is also not warm and fuzzy...

[Anonymous]

Being friendly and kind to her at the family gatherings is MORE than enough to start. If you think you all might become better friends, you can attempt that after the wedding etc. In-law relationships are allowed to slow burn.

And like the other PP said, I'd make more of an effort for my brother's new wife than for my DH's brother's new wife.