Narcissistic parent

[Anonymous]

It's all about them. And they lack empathy. You are a trophy to reflect well on them.
Example: I went to 20th HS reunion. A lot of the girls asked about my mother because she had volunteered with my Girl Scout troop. I told her...or started to. She cut me off and said urgently in an ugly tone..."What about you? Were you top dog jobwise?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an example from when I was going into high school. We were moving back to FCPS in the late 1970s and I knew that the state where we had living for my 7th and 8th grade years was behind FCPS academically, even though I was a kid. I said to my mom that I was worried about being behind in ninth grade and she replied, “Well, how do you think I feel? I have to go back at work after being home with kids for 15 years?” All about her. This wasn’t constant in my childhood, but definitely an undercurrent, and made it incredibly hard to deal with her as she aged.

That’s not narcissism. You complained about what you hated about moving back and she complained about what she hated. It wasn’t all about her it was about both of you. You could have had a full conversation on both of your concerns.

[Anonymous]

My dad only ever thought about himself, showed up to sports and school events when it suited him, yet made sure to take photos to show what an amazing dad he is. If he was ever called out on it, it was always someone else’s fault. He was always the victim.

In my early adulthood, my stepfather — who had been very present in my teens, taught me to drive, drive me to school dances, picked me up from school when sick, etc, — died unexpectedly, my dad was surprised that I was crying. He actually asked me why I was upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an example from when I was going into high school. We were moving back to FCPS in the late 1970s and I knew that the state where we had living for my 7th and 8th grade years was behind FCPS academically, even though I was a kid. I said to my mom that I was worried about being behind in ninth grade and she replied, “Well, how do you think I feel? I have to go back at work after being home with kids for 15 years?” All about her. This wasn’t constant in my childhood, but definitely an undercurrent, and made it incredibly hard to deal with her as she aged.

That’s not narcissism. You complained about what you hated about moving back and she complained about what she hated. It wasn’t all about her it was about both of you. You could have had a full conversation on both of your concerns.

Not pp. This is narcissistic. If you do this you should stop.

If she was worried about being behind, and you ignore it to talk about you, you’re centering yourself.

[Anonymous]

In a narcissistic family, there will be a particular dynamic. If there is more than one child, one will be the golden child, the others the scapegoats who can do nothing right. They will reserve most of their abuse for the spouse/partner.

Signs of narcissism:
Does not take responsibility for any mistakes;
Will lie/gaslight to distort reality to fit their perceptions and need to maintain appearances;
Pathologically self-centered (everything in the family is to support the narcissist’s needs);
Sees children and partner as extensions of themselves, therefore, does not support children to develop individual interests;
If overt, will be a braggart; if covert, will tell stories to garner sympathy and be incredibly manipulative.

I grew up with an overt narcissist parent and was partnered with a covert narcissist. If you are in a relationship with one, I hope you can find a way to leave. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is very similar to the first poster who responded. He is SUPER charming and charismatic. From the ages 12-16, I used to bed him to start a cult, because I knew people would give him money and we could be rich (now I realize how insane this was).

But he is a really damaged person who truly cannot see anyone else’s perspective or care about their lives. I now liken it to being raised by a Donald Trump like person. He only remembers things about me that make him look good — like I went to an Ivy League school and am now in the C suite. But, he literally knows nothing about me. He can go months without reaching out to any of his children. When he finally does, it is either because he needs a favor or he feels like he isn’t getting enough attention so it is some super crazy medical thing. My favorite one is when he told us all he knew he was getting Alzheimer’s. And then I few weeks later, “I saw the neurologist, and I have a SUPERIOR memory to any man my age.” When he reaches out he never asks how I am or how my kids are. He doesn’t care.

He is also literally the hero of every story he tells. It is actually hilarious. My mom died and he got remarried. My special needs kid was struggling a bit to I left during the speech he gave. I came back and said to my husband “so did he tell x, y and z stories where he tries to act t like he is self deprecating but really he is the star.” And my husband was like “yep.” So I didn’t miss anything. My sister did tell me later that he went on a bit about his relationship with his new wife’s daughters but didn’t mention us or his grandkids — which is also totally on point for him. He wanted to impress the new people in his life.

He was also a highly functioning alcoholic — if you don’t count destroying the relationship with his own kids. But that has now fallen apart in his mid 70s with a DUI and the new wife is as much of a train wreck as he is.

I mostly stopped caring much by my early 20s. He is who he is. I have fairly limited contact. I see him a few times a year for lunch, and I prefer when other relatives come so they can talk to him.

I really hope the line about bedding your dad was a typo.

[Anonymous]

I am the previous poster - as examples, my parent asked me (daughter) to never get married so that I could spend my life taking care of them in old age.
When I was interested is trying out for a sports team in high school, instead of talking to me about it, they didn’t show up in time to drive me to the tryouts. They later admitted that they did it on purpose.
They owned a small business- I became essentially an unpaid employee/nanny/housekeeper, taking care of the business, my younger half brother and the house while they worked. It was all in support of their financial dreams, all the while neglecting to pay for my college education or caring.

Parent was also extremely competitive so while they wanted me to do well as that would be a positive reflection on them, I could not earn or outshine them.

[Anonymous]

Parents who are genuinely, clinically narcissistic are the worst.

It looks like telling your adult daughter that no man will ever want to marry her once she becomes a doctor.

It looks like telling your daughters that you hate women.

It looks like pleading for connection from your adult children and then lashing out when they express care.

It looks like taking tremendous delight in deliberately humiliating your son and daughter-in-law at their wedding, your dead spouse at his funeral and your son at his college graduation.

It's non-stop monologuing about how fabulous you are and how everyone in your orbit is inept and unable to function without you.

It looks like infantilizing everyone.

It looks like pitting everyone in a family against each other until no one in the family has a connection with anyone other than the narcissistic person.

It looks like setting situations up that are bound to make the narcissistic person look fantastic while others look like fools.

It looks like becoming enraged at your adult child in the final minutes of your spouse's life, furious that they are focused on their dying parent instead of you.

[Anonymous]

Similar to other posters, my experience is that the narcissistic parent can only view scenarios from his or her perspective since they have no ability to empathize with others. My father also finds a way to bring attention to his needs during others’ major life events. During my college graduation, he sulked in a corner claiming I wasn’t introducing him to enough people. When we had to cancel our 2020 wedding due to the pandemic, he gave me the silent treatment, ostensibly because I was robbing him of the opportunity to have him walk me down the aisle. When I had my first child, he threatened not to come during the weekend I had planned for both families to visit and meet since he had wanted to be present at the birth, which I had said no to. When my brother got a DUI, my father lashed out saying it would cause my father to be publicly humiliated. When my brother comes to visit me now, if my father finds out he will have my mom set up a call with us kids so that he can tell us how mean we are for spending time together without him. Narcissists have very fragile egos because they are deeply insecure people.
Lots of silent treatment (sometimes lasting up to a month when I was a child, with the reasoning never being explained), gaslighting, and guilting. I’ve never heard my father apologize. He had multiple affairs and even threatened to move with one of his mistresses to Texas and take 3 of us kids, leaving my pregnant mother behind with no money. He didn’t even apologize for that transgression!
I second the book recommendation, it’s very good framing for identifying and understanding emotionally immature parents. I also heard a great simple test of a dysfunctional family recently- is the family focused on the needs of the children or the needs of an adult? Gets you to the answer quite quickly!

[Anonymous]

They lie. All the time, even when it doesn't matter they lie.

They can't take any criticism. They are always right. They are always the center of attention.

And they always put on act.

Obsessed with their youth , vain as hell.

Horrible all around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar to other posters, my experience is that the narcissistic parent can only view scenarios from his or her perspective since they have no ability to empathize with others. My father also finds a way to bring attention to his needs during others’ major life events. During my college graduation, he sulked in a corner claiming I wasn’t introducing him to enough people. When we had to cancel our 2020 wedding due to the pandemic, he gave me the silent treatment, ostensibly because I was robbing him of the opportunity to have him walk me down the aisle. When I had my first child, he threatened not to come during the weekend I had planned for both families to visit and meet since he had wanted to be present at the birth, which I had said no to. When my brother got a DUI, my father lashed out saying it would cause my father to be publicly humiliated. When my brother comes to visit me now, if my father finds out he will have my mom set up a call with us kids so that he can tell us how mean we are for spending time together without him. Narcissists have very fragile egos because they are deeply insecure people.
Lots of silent treatment (sometimes lasting up to a month when I was a child, with the reasoning never being explained), gaslighting, and guilting. I’ve never heard my father apologize. He had multiple affairs and even threatened to move with one of his mistresses to Texas and take 3 of us kids, leaving my pregnant mother behind with no money. He didn’t even apologize for that transgression!
I second the book recommendation, it’s very good framing for identifying and understanding emotionally immature parents. I also heard a great simple test of a dysfunctional family recently- is the family focused on the needs of the children or the needs of an adult? Gets you to the answer quite quickly!

All of this especially the never apologizing. Zero emotional depth.

[Anonymous]

Silent treatment used to manipulate.

Lying all the time.

If confronted, will gaslight and avoid accountability.

The family dynamic will center around them and their moods. They center themselves and their feelings in everything.

Delusions of grandeur and putting everyone else down. A distorted sense of one's self in terms of being superior.

Will often build up their partner and/or kids publicly but then also devalue and belittle them privately.

No real and authentic connections with others. Often charming and likable but no real friends.

My mother is one and my father was her main source. We as kids got a lot of the above too and it got much worse when we were adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment used to manipulate.

Lying all the time.

If confronted, will gaslight and avoid accountability.

The family dynamic will center around them and their moods. They center themselves and their feelings in everything.

Delusions of grandeur and putting everyone else down. A distorted sense of one's self in terms of being superior.

Will often build up their partner and/or kids publicly but then also devalue and belittle them privately.

No real and authentic connections with others. Often charming and likable but no real friends.

My mother is one and my father was her main source. We as kids got a lot of the above too and it got much worse when we were adults.

I will add this which I think I didn't fully realize until I was a parent myself. They do not care if their spouse or kids are hurting or feel like shit or are upset. In fact, they will cause it and sit back and watch it unfold. They use it to get what they want. It's unsettling. Now that I'm a parent myself, I think of the things my mother did and it's just impossible to imagine behaving the way she behaved.

[Anonymous]

Listen to Trump over the years. That’s a classic narcissist. Brags with inaccurate information. Can’t handle anyone doing better than them. With Trump anything he has done he claims it has been “the best in the history of the country. No one has seen anything like it “.

They will do what’s best for their kids because it’s a reflection on them. They are capable of love but tough to be around.