What level of conversation is normal at the dinner table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With a diagnosis of HFA, he’s not likely to change. The primary challenge is social communication. The experience you had growing up isn’t relevant, because it doesn’t sound like your family members had autism.

This. Yes, conversation is typical, but yiir DH is not typical and conversation is probably very draining for him. My DH has no problem not conversing all the time at dinner. I find it awkward and annoying. When with others he will talk. He’s just a terrible conversationalist. My therapist said to just embrace the quiet not every second needs to be filled with noise. We eat dinner with the tv on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher and honestly I notice a lot of kids just need time to sit and eat quietly. They don’t view as socializing time. Adults are the same. You’ll have trouble op unless you focus on his interests and build bridges.

Did you see the end of the op where she says that the dh doesn’t talk to the dd on walks or he makes work calls? It’s not just at meals.

He is checking out from family responsibilities.

How do so many women marry men like this? I feel like there’s a different post every day about men like this. Clearly they were able to “mask” full time for decades and then suddenly when they have to take care of someone besides themselves they decide they are too autistic to function outside of the workplace. Come on. It’s not just the diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

What’s not normal is being critical of the nature of your DH’s interactions with your DD in front of your DD. How awful for both of them.

As for what’s normal with dinner conversation, I think it depends on the family. For example, my SIL’s family has a routine where at dinner they have to each share two things about their day and everyone has to stay at the table until everyone is done. It’s a great way for kids to torture each other - one kid can go on forever so others can’t leave the table. But I digress. That interaction is normal for their family. But in mine, we don’t talk a lot while we’re eating but we all hang out after we eat and play cards and talk for an hour or so. And that’s normal for us. Point is, for some conversation is normal and for others it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Participating in small talk is masking for him. He doesn’t feel a need to mask for his family. Frankly, I get it, to a point. Maybe there is some compromise. It sounds silly, but when my daughter doesn’t want to talk at the dinner table, we make it more structured and do rose, bud, thorn: What was the best thing of the day, what are you looking forward to in the future, and what was the worst thing of the day?

This is exactly what we do.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative like this but didn't know about autism when I was younger. I wish I had understood more that it wasn't rejection. I took it really personally and felt ignored. Has your family done any learning about autism together?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. How did you date, marry, and live with this man without knowing that he doesn't like to talk at dinner time/in the car/etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. How did you date, marry, and live with this man without knowing that he doesn't like to talk at dinner time/in the car/etc.?

NP:

People are always asking this- about this post and most others “why did you marry him” “did you not notice” etc.

Most people are able to mask fairly well, and keep it up for years. How else would some of these people ever find someone to marry?? But they can’t keep up the 24/7 “company behavior” for the rest of their lives….so when they get very comfortable, the mask comes off. That said, there are usually red flags earlier on, if they are not missed….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your affairs in order and divorce. It’s your only option.

Yes!
Why are you two even married.

How did his lack of being able to hold a basic conversation attract and keep you w this man.

Is he rich ? Good D?

Either way his behavior is unacceptable towards his wife and child.

Stop trying to explain his nasty temperament away and blame it on childhood and whatever illness

He’s a man you know an adult. He has zero interest in talking to you or your child.

Ick!

[Anonymous]

Let's keep in mind that we are only hearing OP's side of the story.

How do we know that she is not an endless, annoying chatterbox and expects the same from others?

Also, OP, it was wrong for you to accuse your husband of not "connecting" with his daughter. That is not your place to micromanage.

[Anonymous]

“ DD gets frustrated on long rides to school or sports and says he doesn’t talk to her or just makes work calls.”

He sounds like he just doesn’t gaf anymore. How sad for his dd. Sometimes as a parent we do things even when we are tired. And connecting with your child is part of the deal. If he can put himself out there for his coworkers he should do it for the people he loves and cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. How did you date, marry, and live with this man without knowing that he doesn't like to talk at dinner time/in the car/etc.?

NP:

People are always asking this- about this post and most others “why did you marry him” “did you not notice” etc.

Most people are able to mask fairly well, and keep it up for years. How else would some of these people ever find someone to marry?? But they can’t keep up the 24/7 “company behavior” for the rest of their lives….so when they get very comfortable, the mask comes off. That said, there are usually red flags earlier on, if they are not missed….

You are right. But you cannot mask for a long time. There are always red flags but these people choose to ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. How did you date, marry, and live with this man without knowing that he doesn't like to talk at dinner time/in the car/etc.?

OP. He used to play along, I guess, even if it maybe took extra energy? But over the past few years he’s just kind of given up and given himself permission to live how he wants. But it hurts because I see him make small talk out in public and chat with colleagues on the phone and it feels like he’s willing to use his limited energy for anyone but his own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative like this but didn't know about autism when I was younger. I wish I had understood more that it wasn't rejection. I took it really personally and felt ignored. Has your family done any learning about autism together?

DH refuses to even discuss it. DD has classmates with autism and we’ve talked 1:1 about how her dad’s brain might work like theirs. But her response was to describe all of the extra supports her classmates have and the expectations teachers have for them. I basically said that I didn’t know what to say, and things were probably really different with kids when DH was younger.

[Anonymous]

You married poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married poorly.

Well thanks for telling me what I already know. Do you copy and paste this to add to every thread while you gloat about your great life?