Any way to pull 5th grader from last 3 months of the school year and test to demonstrate knowledge?

[Anonymous]

PS - I’m obviously not going to just jump into this decision lightly. The first step was to find out if it’s even possible to do. Then is the question of whether we should actually do it, and how we communicate it to him.

We’re also considering other options in parallel.

[Anonymous]

If you went to your job and were treated this way, would you stay?

We all, of course, need to learn to deal with difficult people, but I think people are crazy when they force their kids into school buildings with (actual) bullies. If the teacher isn’t helping the situation, that’s even worse.

It isn’t difficult getting set up to homeschool in Virginia. You need to send in a letter — called the Notice of Intent — to your district’s superintendent. (Check your district’s website. APS, for example, lists a woman’s email to send this information to. You’ll need a list of subjects you intend to teach (NOT curriculum titles) and send in proof of your own education (you must have a high school diploma or higher).

Don’t let him stay home and do nothing. If you’re going to go this route, you need to actually provide instruction. It’s a lot of work, but it’s really rewarding.

There are many secular co-ops in the area (religious too, but that’s not our jam).

We don’t homeschool for bullying reasons. Even the good public schools are so watered down that my kids were bored to death. Now they are challenged and testing WAY above grade level.

[Anonymous]

Whew. Just re-read my response and it was a bit all over the place. My apologies. It’s too early in the morning and I can’t find my reading glasses. 🙂

Anyway, best of luck to you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not do this. Your kids are going to go through phases of hating school or “just wanting to stay home.” If you pull him for the last 3 months, be prepared for him to think you’ll do that every year. Or eventually ask you to homeschool forever. Whatever issue is making him miserable, work with him to address it or use coping mechanisms. School isn’t an in/out thing. You’re all in or you’re all out. He will not get a fresh start in middle this way, he will have a much harder time readjusting after 6 months.

Agree with this, mostly. Especially if he will go to the same middle school most of these kids will also be attending. But you know your son best. If he just cannot cope and every day is torture, I’d pull him out. I dont think pulling him out will necessarily resign you to homeschooling until graduation, or creat more problems. You just don’t know. But ultimately you have to parent the child and situation that is going on NOW and if you feel like doing that is best, just do it. Work on the ADHD behaviors- yes they can be annoying to everyone and may be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not do this. Your kids are going to go through phases of hating school or “just wanting to stay home.” If you pull him for the last 3 months, be prepared for him to think you’ll do that every year. Or eventually ask you to homeschool forever. Whatever issue is making him miserable, work with him to address it or use coping mechanisms. School isn’t an in/out thing. You’re all in or you’re all out. He will not get a fresh start in middle this way, he will have a much harder time readjusting after 6 months.

Agree with this, mostly. Especially if he will go to the same middle school most of these kids will also be attending. But you know your son best. If he just cannot cope and every day is torture, I’d pull him out. I dont think pulling him out will necessarily resign you to homeschooling until graduation, or creat more problems. You just don’t know. But ultimately you have to parent the child and situation that is going on NOW and if you feel like doing that is best, just do it. Work on the ADHD behaviors- yes they can be annoying to everyone and may be part of the problem.

For all we know the op has been working on the adhd behaviors. But op if you haven’t, then this is a good time to start. Meds help, but if your kid doesn’t know the type of behaviors that are acceptable because you’ve let them go too long, then you’re setting him up for failure. Interrupting at home may be fine for you, but interrupting teachers and peers at school is something they can be taught to recognize and have the tools to control it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not do this. Your kids are going to go through phases of hating school or “just wanting to stay home.” If you pull him for the last 3 months, be prepared for him to think you’ll do that every year. Or eventually ask you to homeschool forever. Whatever issue is making him miserable, work with him to address it or use coping mechanisms. School isn’t an in/out thing. You’re all in or you’re all out. He will not get a fresh start in middle this way, he will have a much harder time readjusting after 6 months.

+1. I work with parents of special education kids, and this is a very common pattern. Once school refusal gets started it's an usually an intractable problem, that causes a lot of grief down the line. It's one of the more common problems that I see well meaning parents make. Based on that experience, I would never do this. School attendance if you're not sick is a non-negotiable in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will set the expectation that when things at school are unpleasant he can just quit. Don’t do that. Fix what is wrong especially since middle school will be more and worse unless you are moving

You’re delusional if you think middle school will be better. Middle school years are the worst academic and behavior wise. You survive for those 3 years.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry. If your kid is the "weird kid with cooties" that won't change next school year unless middle school has none of the old kids AND his behaviour has changed via meds and coaching to not be annoying.

You will end up homeschooling or somehow getting a different middle school when his ADHD is not annoying kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. I’m sure your son is miserable being trapped in a dynamic where everyone treats him with disdain, but he lacks control over his impulses and emotional regulation and feels powerless to change the situation. Medication is a great place to start. He needs therapy as well; it is best practice for all kids with ADHD, and essential for kids with flagging self esteem. Does he have a 504 or IEP? If not, send a written request to the school to start the process NOW so it will be in place before he starts middle school. It takes some time. You can ask for suggestions for accommodations on the Kids with Disabilities and Special Needs board.

You absolutely MUST help your son improve his social skills and try to repair his relationships. For the other kids to have such a uniform response to your son and the teacher to show annoyance openly is a BIG deal. The longer you take to address this problem, the more damage will be done. Your son is still young and can bounce back from this, but the next few years are crucial.

It will be hard, but you need to have a very frank conversation with your ds’s teacher to find out the worst, most offensive things he’s done and what has upset the other kids the most. You’ve got to know exactly what has been going on if you’re going to address the issue with your son’s social skills. Perhaps you can even get feedback from the guidance counselor by asking her/him to talk with the class when your son isn’t present.

I am not saying this is the case with your son, but in the case of the boy everyone hated in my dd’s 5th grade class, the boy constantly made racist, xenophobic, misogynistic comments. He also disparaged kids with obvious special needs. He offended everyone on a regular basis. The teacher developed discipline fatigue because if he had corrected everything the kid did, he’d never have been able to get through a single class lesson. Out of necessity, the teacher had to let some things slide. The more the other kids saw the boy get away with things they’d get in trouble for, the more they hated him. They couldn’t stand his getting away with outrageously insulting behavior. Things came to a head after he made a racially based threatening comment to another student. The class felt like no one took them seriously about how upsetting and stressful the boy made school for everyone else, and so a few kids started sharing a Google doc called “Why We Hate Larlo,” and encouraging others to add to it. As you can imagine, this got the administrators involved when it was discovered.

Going into hiding for 3 months would temporarily make your son’s life more pleasant, but it would also cement in the other kids’ minds how much better it was not to have him in their class. He’s in over his head and needs your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will set the expectation that when things at school are unpleasant he can just quit. Don’t do that. Fix what is wrong especially since middle school will be more and worse unless you are moving

Agree. He needs to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do short-term homeschooling, don’t pitch it to him as needing a fresh start or say it’s in reaction to him being unhappy. If you do it, make it so you can focus on some big adventure/special project and extra academic enrichment.

OP here - this is a really good idea because I do have this concern. Thank you.

To those asking why he’s miserable, I realize I didn’t provide much context. Even though the work comes pretty easy to him, he’s not “bored.” He finds ways to keep engaged in the learning. What’s making him miserable is that no one includes him in anything. He has 1 best friend, but he’s not in class with him this year, and literally all of the boys exclude him. They (and a lot of the girls) make snide remarks about him. The worst times are when the teacher tells them to pair up with a partner. There are an uneven number of kids in the class and he’s always left as the odd man out. The teacher then throws him into an existing group of 2, and they all moan (or if a kid’s sick, the teacher tells one of the kids they have to work with him - and then other kids say “oh sorry man, that sucks you have to work with him”). We’ve tried talking to the teacher, but she’s as much of the problem. She has showed zero compassion for him and in fact she finds him annoying due to his impulsive ADHD (which we are trialing meds for).

We’re thinking of switching to private school in the fall to have a fresh start from these kids who have at this point labeled him as annoying.

He needs to learn to cope. MS will be worse if he bails. Just offer support and encourage him to get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will set the expectation that when things at school are unpleasant he can just quit. Don’t do that. Fix what is wrong especially since middle school will be more and worse unless you are moving

Agree with this.

Disagree with this.

[Anonymous]

In this case, I think a fresh start in a private would be great for him. Especially since you say he's on medication now for his ADHD.

My SIL & BIL did this with my nephew who was labeled the outcast in elementary school because of his undiagnosed ADHD and OCD. He sounds just like your son - 1 friend who wasn't in his class, never picked for group work & the kids groaned when he was added to their project pairs, etc.

He did all of middle school at a private and then switched back to public for high school. He thrived because by that point his meds were regulated and the overlap of kids who remembered him from ES was very slim.

No advice on how to pull him out early, though, sorry. Could the school counselor offer some guidance on how to do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do short-term homeschooling, don’t pitch it to him as needing a fresh start or say it’s in reaction to him being unhappy. If you do it, make it so you can focus on some big adventure/special project and extra academic enrichment.

OP here - this is a really good idea because I do have this concern. Thank you.

To those asking why he’s miserable, I realize I didn’t provide much context. Even though the work comes pretty easy to him, he’s not “bored.” He finds ways to keep engaged in the learning. What’s making him miserable is that no one includes him in anything. He has 1 best friend, but he’s not in class with him this year, and literally all of the boys exclude him. They (and a lot of the girls) make snide remarks about him. The worst times are when the teacher tells them to pair up with a partner. There are an uneven number of kids in the class and he’s always left as the odd man out. The teacher then throws him into an existing group of 2, and they all moan (or if a kid’s sick, the teacher tells one of the kids they have to work with him - and then other kids say “oh sorry man, that sucks you have to work with him”). We’ve tried talking to the teacher, but she’s as much of the problem. She has showed zero compassion for him and in fact she finds him annoying due to his impulsive ADHD (which we are trialing meds for).

We’re thinking of switching to private school in the fall to have a fresh start from these kids who have at this point labeled him as annoying.

He needs to learn to cope. MS will be worse if he bails. Just offer support and encourage him to get along.

Alternatively, homeschool him from now through middle school. Give him a chance to mature in an environment that is healthy. He will be a different person by 9th grade and he can start high school with a clean slate, better self management and confidence. Middle school is the worst, even for "typical" kids.

[Anonymous]

Just withdraw to homeschool, the requirements are usually straightforward. You may need to test at the end but you said that’s no problem. Work on his behavior so he doesn’t annoy everyone anymore. Hopefully next year could be a clean slate.