Ex did not want custody and spends minimal time with DC, DC is feeling bad/neglected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be a tad Machiavellian, but after supporting your kid per PP's advice above, you might want to suggest he make the most of a friendship with the gf's kids.

The gf's kids probably aren't 100% happy either, but if they are personable enough to also try, he can learn to do some things with them that are fun, without necessarily embracing them as family or permanent fixtures in his life.

That includes fairly neutral things like watching tv, playing video games, tutoring, baking, etc.

Girlfriend may be nicer if DS is popular with her children.

This is insane.

PP. Why is it insane? I'm not the most adaptable person myself. But I've noticed that friendly, calm people often get better results than people who are sad, sulking, or hostile. Gf's kids haven't done anything to OP's kid.

My point is just that maybe he can try to have a better time at that house by getting along with the other children who have to live there. His mom can help him not to be jealous of "the new family". They aren't a "new family". Hosting those kids is the price the dad has to pay to get a live-in girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Is he paying you a ton of child support to make up for the fact he never has custody???

He better be.

I would never have agreed to this custody schedule. Dad needs more time with kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he paying you a ton of child support to make up for the fact he never has custody???

He better be.

I would never have agreed to this custody schedule. Dad needs more time with kid.

How do you force someone to spend time with their kids?

I have a family member who has walked out on their kids. They see them far less than OP's ex sees OP's kid. But how do you force someone to show up to pick up the kids? Eventually the ex got custody changed, but when it was 50/50 on paper it didn't mean that that 50/50 happened.

[Anonymous]

Did he not want custody or you fought for full custody, got it and gone gave up as the fighting impacted the child too much? What does the court order say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you address this?

My child feels bad and I do not want it affecting 12yo DC's self-esteem that my ex is too "busy" to bother to make time for them to spend together. He averages one night a week with DC, which is around dinnertime til school the next morning, which when factoring in bedtime, is just a few hours of time together per week. If it's a weekend night, it is the same - DC picked up at dinnertime & dropped off at home by 9/10am. This is only IF he can fit it into his life with new GF and her kids whom he lives with (they are not his kids, he only met them in the past year but is with them every day, and my DC knows this).

I am trying to reassure DC of being absolutely worthy of parental love and not being in any way at fault or deserving of being treated this way by a parent. But it is hard to see DC hurting and wishing for dad to want to spend time together and continually being rejected bc dad is too busy with other priorities, ie a "new family."

Sounds like you are bitter and bad mouth dad. Reach out to dad and work with him. Find a solution. What does the court order say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be a tad Machiavellian, but after supporting your kid per PP's advice above, you might want to suggest he make the most of a friendship with the gf's kids.

The gf's kids probably aren't 100% happy either, but if they are personable enough to also try, he can learn to do some things with them that are fun, without necessarily embracing them as family or permanent fixtures in his life.

That includes fairly neutral things like watching tv, playing video games, tutoring, baking, etc.

Girlfriend may be nicer if DS is popular with her children.

WTF!

[Anonymous]

When I divorced my ex he moved on with his mistress. My sons are not dumb. I never had bad mouthed her. They were in high school.

She would stay on the weekends and my sons were old enough to leave to stay with me. I finally asked my sons to accept her since my ex wanted to remarry. NOPE!

Soon enough the shit hit the fan and he broke up with her. Thank goodness.

This was the best outcome for all of us. You never know what the future holds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I divorced my ex he moved on with his mistress. My sons are not dumb. I never had bad mouthed her. They were in high school.

She would stay on the weekends and my sons were old enough to leave to stay with me. I finally asked my sons to accept her since my ex wanted to remarry. NOPE!

Soon enough the shit hit the fan and he broke up with her. Thank goodness.

This was the best outcome for all of us. You never know what the future holds.

Stop projecting. For all we know op had the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he not want custody or you fought for full custody, got it and gone gave up as the fighting impacted the child too much? What does the court order say?

He did not want custody. It was a non-issue in the divorce, no custody battle.

And no I am not bitter and do not badmouth dad. I have a kid asking why dad does not want to spend time with them and am trying to ensure DC feels loved and valued despite dad not showing much interest.

No, I did not have an affair. Ex left us, quickly moved in with GF while we were separated. My priority is my DC. I don't date and if I eventually do, I won't prioritize a new partner over my child.

Thanks for those who provided empathy and some insight from their own experiences. There are some helpful comments here.

[Anonymous]

What exactly does your child say or do to let you know he feels bad?

[Anonymous]

Your DC learns who their Father is
You can't help your DC from learning that
Your DC experiences life, it is not what they would like it to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be a tad Machiavellian, but after supporting your kid per PP's advice above, you might want to suggest he make the most of a friendship with the gf's kids.

The gf's kids probably aren't 100% happy either, but if they are personable enough to also try, he can learn to do some things with them that are fun, without necessarily embracing them as family or permanent fixtures in his life.

That includes fairly neutral things like watching tv, playing video games, tutoring, baking, etc.

Girlfriend may be nicer if DS is popular with her children.

Bad advice, girlfriend and kids might get dumped as well and then he loses newly made friends as well as his dad.

[Anonymous]

am trying to ensure DC feels loved and valued despite dad not showing much interest.

Then you are messing with reality. Your kid won't trust their own view of reality. That is a lot worse. OP, it's bordering on gaslighting. You gaslighting your child - telling them that what they know is true, isn't true. Stop messing with their radar. It's better and healthier, emotionally, for them to trust their perceptions of reality.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife and I compete for time with the kid, he's like a celebrity. Hopefully it won't go to his head. He's a tween so entering the stage when he'd just as soon see neither parent.

[Anonymous]

Your father neither loves you nor he loves me. He is incapable of loving anyone. But, we have each other and we will love each other for the rest of our lives.