Feeling excluded... should we consider switching schools?

[Anonymous]

My daughters both dealt with this is a all public school. Didnt get better until we switched to a much bigger school. Even then being new was tough, but they eventually found friends. Also my younger one who is still having some trouble finding very close friend has a best friend from her extracurricular who comes over for sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moms are friends, OP. You can't get around moms organizing these things in small privates. This is one of the many downsides of small privates, you see it on here all the time.

ding ding ding

Sorry. I wouldn’t take it personally.

It could improve, but it might not. Probably will not. I’d switch your DD to a larger school for 7th unless there is a genuine reason not to. Academics are not everything (and that is especially true in middle school).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a tiny school? Only 10 girls in a class seems really small and would be tough socially no matter what.

Maybe OP meant in a classroom of 12 girls, she was left out. Could be 2 or more classes per grade.

I'm sorry OP. Your daughter is new and I think it's normal to take a year or so to get really grounded in a new school. Keep inviting friends for hang outs, and you could ask a few parents in February if there's a week or 2 of camp this summer that a few girls are going to that yours can join.

[Anonymous]

The class size sounds small. Can your DC make friends through the neighborhood (like a girl Scouts chapter) and through activities? You may not be able to do much about the school dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It could just be that it is going to take some time. Sounds like has made a few friends, so that is positive.

6th grade can also be kind of weird in terms of socializing and making plans IME. Parents are sometimes still involved.

Was she happy at her previous school? My kids attend a large public HS and MS, with a few popular private schools nearby also. Many kids end up switching schools (trying private for a year and then returning, or sometimes leaving public for private etc)- it seems pretty common. Sometimes you try, and it just doesn’t end up being a good fit.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Those girls are being rude. They have probably been friends for a long time but obviously aren't reflecting on how it makes your daughter feel when they all talk about a party in front of her.

If the school is really supposed to be warm and welcoming, I would talk to the teachers/counselor about it. Kids that age are self centered, developmentally, so they may not have fully thought through how your daughter might be feeling. Obviously the school can't make anyone be friends, but they could tell them to be more thoughtful.

Something similar happened at my son's school several years ago, but with boys, and in the end the new boy who was struggling was integrated into the group. However, small social cohorts can sometimes just be problematic. Are there clubs or anything she can join? I know at my son's school sports, music, and theater was a good way to forge new relationships.

[Anonymous]

You need to invite the moms over for wine and gummies.

[Anonymous]

We’re military so have moved lot. We do private schools. I’ll tell you what I’ve noticed. It takes 2 years to establish real friendships. The first year kids are getting to know you, adjusting to you being there, you’re always the “new kid”. You’ll be included in some things but not have real friends. The second year they’re used to you, are more willing to connect for real. My kids always make good friends sometime in their 2nd year.

We talk about this so they’re aware. They approach their first year as a time to get to know the school, and to identify who are the kids they want to be friends with, which ones are kind, hard working, not into partying too much, etc. We often talk about how next year it will be easier.

It’s all about managing expectations.

My other tip is to have your daughter be in different settings with everyone at school: classes and a few extracurriculars. The more “present” she is the better.

I’ll also say I don’t think this means the kids are mean or excluding your daughter. She’s only known them for 5 months. It just takes time!

[Anonymous]

Pp here. One last tip I tell my kids: look for the friendly kid. There’s always 1-2 people in a group who make eye contact. That’s the kid you want to befriend. It only takes one person to link you into a group.

But again, it takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The smaller the private school, the worse it is OP.

Wrong. We switched to a small private in 5th grade and could not be happier.

Developmentally, there is a big difference between 5th grade and 6th grade. It’s much tougher socially in 6th.

I’d switch schools if this is a super small private. A large public may have weaker academics but will be so much better socially and that’s important too. Too much damage can be done in the teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re military so have moved lot. We do private schools. I’ll tell you what I’ve noticed. It takes 2 years to establish real friendships. The first year kids are getting to know you, adjusting to you being there, you’re always the “new kid”. You’ll be included in some things but not have real friends. The second year they’re used to you, are more willing to connect for real. My kids always make good friends sometime in their 2nd year.

We talk about this so they’re aware. They approach their first year as a time to get to know the school, and to identify who are the kids they want to be friends with, which ones are kind, hard working, not into partying too much, etc. We often talk about how next year it will be easier.

It’s all about managing expectations.

My other tip is to have your daughter be in different settings with everyone at school: classes and a few extracurriculars. The more “present” she is the better.

I’ll also say I don’t think this means the kids are mean or excluding your daughter. She’s only known them for 5 months. It just takes time!

This was our experience as well when we started our kids at a small private for HS after public previously.

It was halfway thru the second year at the school that each of my kids (a son and a daughter) solidified their friend groups and it became deeper friendships.

[Anonymous]

If you're in the DMV I'd think you're late to apply out for this year to another private. Or are you considering heading to public?

[Anonymous]

I'm also wondering if your DD has a phone. If not, that may be what's going on/why she's not included in group outings (girls are making plans to go to the mall, etc. in group texts).

[Anonymous]

This happens in public school all the time. My 8th grader has “school friends” but hasn’t been included in any outside of school stuff since before 6th grade when MS began. Yes, we invite girls to things and they come, but DD is never asked anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I really feel for your DD. I moved to a new private school in 7th grade, and it was tough. There were only a couple of other new kids, and I was the only new girl. The class wasn’t as small as what you’re describing, but the friend groups were very set. Most of the kids had been together since Kindergarten. And 7th grade was the worst for exclusionary behavior. I remember several other classmates getting iced out of friend groups they’d been part of since elementary school that year.

I met a few nice girls, but I wasn’t close with them for a least the first year. I occasionally saw them outside of school (usually to work on a group project or something like that), but didn’t have anything like the friendships I was used to. What really saved me was being part of a travel sports team outside of school. My teammates and I had big group sleepovers almost every weekend, which made my social situation at school so much more manageable. 8th grade was much better than 7th. I started getting invited to school friends’ birthday parties and sleepovers. By high school, I had found my place, and I’m still friends with some of those girls I met in middle school today.

If your DD has friends from her old school or an extracurricular, encourage her to rely on those friendships while she’s finding her footing socially at school. Prioritize allowing her to get together with those friends on the weekends. Reassure her that the adjustment to the new school will take time. And don’t be afraid to make a change if it seems like the school really isn’t a good fit.