Mother in denial and creating tension

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are on a pretty tight fixed budget but they don't like to accept a lot of help. They can meet all their basic needs but have little left over for any extras.

I tried to have an aging professional come in as an assessment to see what they need and I focused on how maybe they could provide physiotherapy as that is pretty neutral but she refused to have the person come. Again, she said down the road maybe that would be helpful but they don't need help now.

My parents are both early 80s but my mother is very healthy and considers herself still very young and doesn't want any reminders of aging or her age or insinuations she is 'old'.

My father would love to move as their house is a lot of work but my mother won't even consider it. She is deep in denial land and being quite self centered / selfish in her thinking.

They cannot afford your suggestions and you are unreasonable.

My siblings and myself are more than happy to pay for anything they need. I am not sure what aspects you feel are unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think there is a possibility that she is trying to hasten his death so he doesn’t experience a long protracted Parkinson’s decline?

I don't think she is trying to hasten it but she is terrified of him being unable to feed / care for himself. She is not a caregiver in any shape or form. They have been married 55 years. She is in denial that he will need physical asssitance / help before too long. I think she just thinks she ignores it, he won't deteriorate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they safety is at risk, your Mother's wants can be disregarded. Move him. She's either follows or she doesn't. I bet she will.

Adult children cannot make decisions for their parents who have capacity to make their own (terrible) decisions. They can’t just “move him” unless he is on board, and it sounds like he defers to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Not allowing bars in the shower - such a small accommodation that can make a significant difference - shows terrible judgement, and it’s dangerous. I wish OP’s dad’s physician could get wind of it and call APS, but of course OP’s mom might then alienate him from his providers, or even OP, if she suspects one of them reported them.

[Anonymous]

^and actually, this would not constitute neglect, because OP’s dad is still able to make decisions for himself. If he were in cognitive decline, and fully dependent on his wife, APS could be called. So it’s not really an option,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Label your mom's emotion even if she gets really mad. She is hiding these things because she is scared and afraid of losing him.

This is the only advice in this thread that suggests you stop treating your parents like toddlers. i get it because i was you, though my dad's wife wasn't hiding stuff. my dad told me to lay off and i was hurt and angry, but i also was doing it to allay my own anxiety about him falling. i bought him a walker to use, which he didn't use. i accepted that he might fall and that was okay. i bought meals he didnt eat. when we talked, we had nice conversations about life and memories instead of me pestering him.

a year and change later, he started using the walker. he'd use a wheelchair when out. one day he called and asked if i'd send food. i did.

i'm glad we had this more peaceful time before he died.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible your mom has dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They are on a pretty tight fixed budget but they don't like to accept a lot of help. They can meet all their basic needs but have little left over for any extras.

I tried to have an aging professional come in as an assessment to see what they need and I focused on how maybe they could provide physiotherapy as that is pretty neutral but she refused to have the person come. Again, she said down the road maybe that would be helpful but they don't need help now.

My parents are both early 80s but my mother is very healthy and considers herself still very young and doesn't want any reminders of aging or her age or insinuations she is 'old'.

My father would love to move as their house is a lot of work but my mother won't even consider it. She is deep in denial land and being quite self centered / selfish in her thinking.

We were dealing with this, it seems to be turning the corner now because my MIL had her own health scare and realized that her husband can't take care of himself at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this-it's hard, I know. I dealt with it but not to the extreme your Mom is doing.

My Dad had Parkinsons also (passed away in April last year). There was a lot of denial on Mom's part, and she would get frustrated at Dad sometimes over stuff that wasn't his fault. In the last few years, me and my brother sometimes had to step in and say, 'this' or 'that' is what is going to happen. For example, bro and I put gripbars on his side of the bed so he could get up safely and removed area rugs (trip hazards). I arranged for the wheelchair seating appts, and got Dad enrolled in VA. I also arranged for bathing help (towards the end). Bro and I also insisted that they get their affairs in order, which they did, regarding the house and power of atty. THIS alone has helped us a lot.

My mom would never have removed something that helped Dad though, OP, so I think you and siblings will need to get real vocal with her about that. She needs to hear the reality-not to be harsh to her, but to shock her a bit into accepting reality.

Part of it is fear, like a PP mentioned. My mom had a real hard time accepting that the Parkinsons was advancing and that it would end his life. I think brother and I dealt with it more from a practical standpoint because as kids, we weren't the spouse-we were one step removed from the emotion, know what i mean? But, as the adult child/children, you will have to sort of TELL Mom some things, in order to keep Dad safe and home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. yes, he needs them. He has fallen twice recently in the bathtub - he needs bars to hold onto. He is getting 'stuck' in the old chair he has as it tilts back and he can't get out. They won't let me replace the chair so I got a handle he can use to pull himself forward in the chair so he can get out. Utensils with bigger handles. Those types of things.

You need to have a professional explain to your mom that yes, Dad needs these things. And if you don't get it all now, he will need to go to a facility/Assisted living. Don't let her affect his quality of life. Sounds like he needs help NOW

[Anonymous]

Detach and calmly give a choice-either she allows a professional you hire to assess his needs or you will have Adult Protective Services assess for free.If whoever she chose agrees all is well, you will back off. Make it clear if she chooses neither, you will put in a call to APS. Do not say it as a threat.Say it in a matter of fact way. Do not feed any drama with emotion.

Yes, she's scared. Yes she is afraid this means their aging. We can empathize, but we also need to make sure there isn't neglect. There is too much manipulation and dramatics sometimes when they deal with an adult child. You need a trained professional to cut through that and move things forward.

[Anonymous]

Also read this thread and think your mom's attitude is bordering on neglecting your dad's care. If she doesn't get it, it's on her, and you need to step in if you can. Also realize that your dad may still decide to listen to her. I don't know what it is with old women that they cannot accept their aging and eventual mortality. I had the same issue with mom and dad stupidly trusted her until his death. He should have gotten some medical care way earlier than it eventually happened, when it was already too little too late.

[Anonymous]

Really, mother is going to be forced, at over 80, to be a full time caregiver. So that is the extent of her life. Of course she's in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, mother is going to be forced, at over 80, to be a full time caregiver. So that is the extent of her life. Of course she's in denial.

I guess you didn’t read the thread. OP and siblings are happy to provide for their parents. OP needs help getting Mom onboard with accepting change, not becoming a caregiver.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you're going through this. I didn't go through Parkinson's with either of my parents, but I went through dementia with both - dad then mom. In both cases, it came down to some very frank (and hard) conversations to move them forward. In both cases, they were in denial outwardly but inside they both knew they were struggling.

I would try the aging specialist again and be there at the appointment time. Mention that you would like to hear what they have to say so that you can prepare. She doesn't have to listen if she doesn't want to. One of the things I would worry about is that even a relatively healthy 80+ year old is one accident away from that changing. (DH and I are living that scenario with MIL right now.) If something happens to your mom, your dad's situation gets a lot more dire.

My last suggestion is for you and your siblings. If you haven't already, find a caregivers group for adult children. You can probably find one for Parkinson's specifically.