Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the son?

He's 58

There may be some continuing care communities that would accept a 58 year old (the one I’m looking at is 62)

To add: they could live together in independent living and then she could transition as needs increased.

[Anonymous]

Who is on the deed to the house, OP?

How documented is BIL’s diagnosis? Might he qualify for a group home? If yes needs to get on waitlists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the son?

He's 58

There may be some continuing care communities that would accept a 58 year old (the one I’m looking at is 62)

To add: they could live together in independent living and then she could transition as needs increased.

Wouldn’t this be extremely expensive?

[Anonymous]

OP Here to answer additional questions:
Deed to the house is in MIL's name only.

BIL refuses to get a diagnosis or even speak to any sort of mental or physical health provider. We tried and he told them that we were trying to have him committed, but all we wanted was a diagnosis so we could look at group homes for him. He speaks to ghosts, has paranormal experiences, yells and screams irrational things at people, refuses to engage with helping his mom with anything (won't even read her mail to her), and spends all his time airing grievances against everyone and everything. He's also loud and big so he scares and intiimates people.

He can't afford the house on his own after she passes away. It will have to be sold. We might be able to buy him a condo with the proceeds, but we just don't think he can live independently. He doesn't cook, clean, pay bills, or understand that thins like power cost money.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard. I’m very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Have you looked at the numbers?

What is the value of the house?
What income does MIL have?
What other assets does MIL have?
What are the options and costs for care in her community?

What about function?
Who is hoarding- MIL or BIL?
Why do you think she needs memory care?
When did BILs symptoms begin?
Is there any other family who will help?
Is moving MIL closer to you an option?

[Anonymous]

You should not spend one dime funding him.

You also shouldn’t count on getting one dime when she passes.

Realistically, there’s nothing you can do.

We had the same situation in my family. Siblings washed their hands of insane uncle and signed the house over to him after their mother passed. He lost the house within a year and has disappeared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would actually try to take a couple steps til I improve and help prolong the situation. I would talk her into getting a storage unit to store some of her stuff. I would hire a home healthcare helper and maid to come in a few days a week.

Best case scenario she passes away peacefully in her sleep at home and he keeps the house and he/you can afford a maid/helper to help keep him stable there.

Thanks, I think we're going to talk to a social worker next week about taking some of these steps. We just want her to be safe.

We've spoken to him about having to sell the house and he just refuses to understand that will happen. He can't afford to keep it; the property taxes will revert back to normal level (currently a senior rate) of $12k a year. He made $24k last year. We also can't help with these costs or paying for an aide for him. I think we could take the proceeds from the house and buy him a small condo, but he'd have to pay for monthly dues, power, etc. However, he tells us weekly how we've ruined his life, we don't want to help him, and tht he's not leaving, so we're sort of at a loss (much of this is the mental health issues rearing their ugly heads).

Thanks for the advice.

This entire thing will fall on your DH if your MIL dies suddenly. Please look into getting him SSDI if you think it’s a possibility. Sadly your best bet is if your MIL lives another 4 years so he can get early SS at age 62. I’d also seriously look into getting him on a waiting list for Section 8 housing. You can do almost everything online so you don’t have to worry about him not following up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here to answer additional questions:
Deed to the house is in MIL's name only.

BIL refuses to get a diagnosis or even speak to any sort of mental or physical health provider. We tried and he told them that we were trying to have him committed, but all we wanted was a diagnosis so we could look at group homes for him. He speaks to ghosts, has paranormal experiences, yells and screams irrational things at people, refuses to engage with helping his mom with anything (won't even read her mail to her), and spends all his time airing grievances against everyone and everything. He's also loud and big so he scares and intiimates people.

He can't afford the house on his own after she passes away. It will have to be sold. We might be able to buy him a condo with the proceeds, but we just don't think he can live independently. He doesn't cook, clean, pay bills, or understand that thins like power cost money.

Your husband needs to get POA over your MIL’s finances ASAP. We had the same situation and mentally ill brother got POA because they lived together. It was a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but it just isn't something you can get ahead of at this point. Your MIL is not going to agree to leave her son and probably prefers living with him. So no amount of worrying or planning or preparing is going to result in much of anything. If she falls, she falls and if she needs to go to the hospital they will then send her to rehab.

Mentally ill brother has the house and works part time. He will have to figure it out. It is way cheaper everyday she can stay at home.

This.
You can't break the co-dependency. It has cemented like epoxy by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here to answer additional questions:
Deed to the house is in MIL's name only.

BIL refuses to get a diagnosis or even speak to any sort of mental or physical health provider. We tried and he told them that we were trying to have him committed, but all we wanted was a diagnosis so we could look at group homes for him. He speaks to ghosts, has paranormal experiences, yells and screams irrational things at people, refuses to engage with helping his mom with anything (won't even read her mail to her), and spends all his time airing grievances against everyone and everything. He's also loud and big so he scares and intiimates people.

He can't afford the house on his own after she passes away. It will have to be sold. We might be able to buy him a condo with the proceeds, but we just don't think he can live independently. He doesn't cook, clean, pay bills, or understand that thins like power cost money.

Your husband needs to get POA over your MIL’s finances ASAP. We had the same situation and mentally ill brother got POA because they lived together. It was a nightmare.

OP here, we tried. The lawyer said she wasn't competent enough to sign the forms. But she gave DH access to her bank account so we pay all her bills and make sure she has some savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would actually try to take a couple steps til I improve and help prolong the situation. I would talk her into getting a storage unit to store some of her stuff. I would hire a home healthcare helper and maid to come in a few days a week.

Best case scenario she passes away peacefully in her sleep at home and he keeps the house and he/you can afford a maid/helper to help keep him stable there.

Thanks, I think we're going to talk to a social worker next week about taking some of these steps. We just want her to be safe.

We've spoken to him about having to sell the house and he just refuses to understand that will happen. He can't afford to keep it; the property taxes will revert back to normal level (currently a senior rate) of $12k a year. He made $24k last year. We also can't help with these costs or paying for an aide for him. I think we could take the proceeds from the house and buy him a small condo, but he'd have to pay for monthly dues, power, etc. However, he tells us weekly how we've ruined his life, we don't want to help him, and tht he's not leaving, so we're sort of at a loss (much of this is the mental health issues rearing their ugly heads).

Thanks for the advice.

This entire thing will fall on your DH if your MIL dies suddenly. Please look into getting him SSDI if you think it’s a possibility. Sadly your best bet is if your MIL lives another 4 years so he can get early SS at age 62. I’d also seriously look into getting him on a waiting list for Section 8 housing. You can do almost everything online so you don’t have to worry about him not following up.

Yes, we're really concerned. I'll look into SSDI and the section 8 housing list. Sadly, MIL is 90 (I don't think I mentioned this in my original post) and it doesn't seem like she'll make it to 94.

[Anonymous]

Has BIL ever worked? Any arrest history? High school degree? What does he do all day?

The NAMI family to family course may be helpful. A local NAMI group where they live may have some ideas about resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would actually try to take a couple steps til I improve and help prolong the situation. I would talk her into getting a storage unit to store some of her stuff. I would hire a home healthcare helper and maid to come in a few days a week.

Best case scenario she passes away peacefully in her sleep at home and he keeps the house and he/you can afford a maid/helper to help keep him stable there.

Thanks, I think we're going to talk to a social worker next week about taking some of these steps. We just want her to be safe.

We've spoken to him about having to sell the house and he just refuses to understand that will happen. He can't afford to keep it; the property taxes will revert back to normal level (currently a senior rate) of $12k a year. He made $24k last year. We also can't help with these costs or paying for an aide for him. I think we could take the proceeds from the house and buy him a small condo, but he'd have to pay for monthly dues, power, etc. However, he tells us weekly how we've ruined his life, we don't want to help him, and tht he's not leaving, so we're sort of at a loss (much of this is the mental health issues rearing their ugly heads).

Thanks for the advice.

This entire thing will fall on your DH if your MIL dies suddenly. Please look into getting him SSDI if you think it’s a possibility. Sadly your best bet is if your MIL lives another 4 years so he can get early SS at age 62. I’d also seriously look into getting him on a waiting list for Section 8 housing. You can do almost everything online so you don’t have to worry about him not following up.

Yes, we're really concerned. I'll look into SSDI and the section 8 housing list. Sadly, MIL is 90 (I don't think I mentioned this in my original post) and it doesn't seem like she'll make it to 94.

Problem with SSDI is how little you get. I looked at it for my son and found it to be impossible to love on it. You may find something different. Another problem you’ll have is proving disability if there is no diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Has he worked enough to qualify for SS?

What does he do PT?

https://www.nami.org/your-journey/individuals-with-mental-illness/social-security-disability-insurance-benefits-supplemental-security-income/

https://www.nami.org/nami-news/understanding-social-security-disability-insurance/

Any arrests for antisocial behavior?