“I’m destitute, and I need you to solve this”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

You need more information before you can really move forward. Yes it’s a frustrating situation, but she was born in the 50s; many women her age never learned to manage money. They were discouraged from it and couldn’t even have a bank account in their own names without a husband’s permission until 197? So first, I’d give her some grace. It will be freeing for you as well.

Next, have a phone consultation with a landlord tenant attorney in her jurisdiction. Find out what the risks are and how they can be mitigated. There’s a mythical belief that most jurisdictions are super tenant friendly, and that’s not the case. Find out the facts and go from there.

Speak directly to the bankruptcy attorney. Each state has different rules about what can be kept in bankruptcy, so you need to understand what thus will really look like. It’s also possible that she might be better off settling for greatly reduced payments to the creditors. They’re getting zero from bankruptcy and at this point the debt has likely been sold for pennies on the dollar. If you’re going to be involved, it may be worth preserving her credit so that she can downsize her home in her own name and move potentially move closer whether now or in the future. If she pulls out of bankruptcy, there needs to be a firm agreement about future debt.

The car lease likely needs to go. They don’t want to lose the car or go through the trouble of legal action so you can probably negotiate. Creditboards.com is a great resource for figuring some of these things out.

If she wants to work, why not? At her age it’s not reducing her spousal benefit and it’s probably good for her socially.

Your mom wants you to step in. She was a good mom. You also need to care for yourself and your family. Factor that into the options you present, maybe bringing her closer is good for you, maybe it’s not. Gather the facts, and present her with some defined options. I think this may be what she wants more than anything, for you to just tell her, “Mom you have to do A, you can choose between B and C.” Sibling can get on board or get out of the way.

And to all the PP’s directing OP to a government home, please provide links.

[Anonymous]

Job--checkout operator
Senior care--(we had 2 caregivers age 85 looking after grandma age 98
Government job--MIL worked for a govt agency at age 83

[Anonymous]

What jurisdiction is she in? DMV area? Might allow people to give more specific advice.

[Anonymous]

Big questions here, housing and health care and her eligibility is an unknown. If she sold her house, would she clear a profit and how much? There are financial thresholds for subsidized housing. Assuming she has Medicare + Part B and D. Part B and D have fees trashed that would be deducted from her social security each month. Again, there are financial thresholds to apply for Medicaid that would handle her Part B and D. Your best efforts should be in finding out what she is eligible for before giving her money. I would start in the senior care government office to send you on a path. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The squatter concern is valid these days. If she’s doing fine except for the finances, I would be thinking of how to keep her in her home for now. The government home sounds drastic.

NP. With years-long waiting lists, it’s not a short-term solution. Could be 3-5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

You need more information before you can really move forward. Yes it’s a frustrating situation, but she was born in the 50s; many women her age never learned to manage money. They were discouraged from it and couldn’t even have a bank account in their own names without a husband’s permission until 197? So first, I’d give her some grace. It will be freeing for you as well.

Next, have a phone consultation with a landlord tenant attorney in her jurisdiction. Find out what the risks are and how they can be mitigated. There’s a mythical belief that most jurisdictions are super tenant friendly, and that’s not the case. Find out the facts and go from there.

Speak directly to the bankruptcy attorney. Each state has different rules about what can be kept in bankruptcy, so you need to understand what thus will really look like. It’s also possible that she might be better off settling for greatly reduced payments to the creditors. They’re getting zero from bankruptcy and at this point the debt has likely been sold for pennies on the dollar. If you’re going to be involved, it may be worth preserving her credit so that she can downsize her home in her own name and move potentially move closer whether now or in the future. If she pulls out of bankruptcy, there needs to be a firm agreement about future debt.

The car lease likely needs to go. They don’t want to lose the car or go through the trouble of legal action so you can probably negotiate. Creditboards.com is a great resource for figuring some of these things out.

If she wants to work, why not? At her age it’s not reducing her spousal benefit and it’s probably good for her socially.

Your mom wants you to step in. She was a good mom. You also need to care for yourself and your family. Factor that into the options you present, maybe bringing her closer is good for you, maybe it’s not. Gather the facts, and present her with some defined options. I think this may be what she wants more than anything, for you to just tell her, “Mom you have to do A, you can choose between B and C.” Sibling can get on board or get out of the way.

And to all the PP’s directing OP to a government home, please provide links.

NP. I'd bet my own paycheck this would never be honored, and she would be demanding exactly the same fix in one or two years. Leopards, spots.

[Anonymous]

I don't see a reason for bankruptcy. Sell the house, pay off the credit cards, rent a small condo nearby many retail jobs or whatever she does for work, get rid of the car.
She already enjoyed living in a house. Many people will never be afford to live in a house. She already enjoyed shopping her whole life.
She also enjoyed getting a car that's way too expensive. When is she pulling back fro mall this enjoyment. She has to pay for it and not claim destitute.
If she doesn't want to sell the house, I'd let them come get the car when she is behind and the house. She maybe still stuck with the credit cards or they will take the equity from the house.
She is no destitute. Somebody is really bad with money and has been for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Can you turn in the car and instead of subsidizing her housing and her lifestyle maybe buy her a reliable beater for under $10k so she has a way to get around? Make sure it’s in her name so there’s no liability on your part. That would save that part of her expenses. I agree managing a renter in her own home may be difficult for her and possible set her up for a very bad situation.

[Anonymous]

You’ll have to run the actual numbers, but maybe she can sell the house, pay off her debts and then look into buying a small condo, if she’ll be able to afford a smaller mortgage payment and other bills with her monthly SS. She can continue to work as long as she’s willing and able.

[Anonymous]

https://www.wusa9.com/article/news/local/maryland/woman-sentenced-prison-killing-92-year-old-roommate/65-ec769d22-62ee-4ffd-ac32-a48ea82278c2

[Anonymous]

OP I just want to say I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. It must be killing you that the person who raised you is now facing losing a home and living in poverty, even if it's by her own hand.

How much is her house worth, and are there places she could move into if she sold the place and used the equity to buy something smaller?

Is it possible for her to work? Can she still drive? How is she mentally and physically?

Do you know why your sibling doesn't want to help? How much do you want to help?

Again - I'm just sorry. There probably isn't a magic bullet answer here, and my heart really goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

My mom is living off of $1200/mo in social security. She lives in Fairfax County, we found a “government home” for her through the county’s department of aging (I think its called) but there was a very long waitlist.

She pays approx $800/mo in rent, it is an apartment community owned by the county for seniors with limited income. She qualifies for approx $50/mo in SNAP benefits (food stamps). She also gets meals on wheels every week. And some assistance every week via Medicaid - someone comes in and helps her shower, helps w her laundry, helps clean her place. I maintain her checking account for her, and anything she needs that she cant afford I have to pay for.

Contact the department of aging or senior assistance or whatever it is called in the county where your mom lives. One word of advice - expect lots of paperwork and long waiting lists. There is just a lot of need and not a lot of resources available. And if you do get services, dont expect them to be on the same level as you would were you paying $10k/mo to a Sunrise.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’d start working toward a long term solution, which may be subsidized senior housing but she will have to get on lists. Why was she fired? Early cognitive issues?

[Anonymous]

Has she looked into food assistance in her area? Meals on wheels, the food bank, churches that give out food? This seems to me one way to preserve your assistance for things like her medication which she can’t get elsewhere.
One downside to bankruptcies is it can make it very difficult to get an apartment. A family member had this issue and he had to really sweet talk his way into a place and convince the landlord that he was a good credit risk. Someone might need to cosign a lease with her if she needs to leave the home.

[Anonymous]

1. Stop paying the credit cards. Stop taking their calls and make no more promises to pay them. Try to abandon that debt. If she can escape the payments for 7 years she’s free and clear I think. If not They can try to sue her or chase after the estate. Pull a jury and look destitute if they sue.

2. Should’ve been #1 but whose credit card debt is this? Is it hers or your dad’s? Make sure it’s hers before she makes another payment

3. See if she can refi the mortgage. Do that BEFORE she stops paying the credit cards obviously. What is the rate and payment on the house and how much is left?

4. A roommate is a bad idea because she will get scammed. But if the house is in great condition and is rentable, a management company may be able to rent it for profit to pay the mortgage and rent for a studio/1br. Or again pay a management company to manage renting if she needs a roommate.

5. She sounds eligible for food stamps, utilities assistance, and other benefits. Get her signed up for that stuff if she can’t afford food