Compensation For Caregiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What guarantees that you’d get from estate?

Charge rent

OP (or anyone else in this situation) should not wait for the inheritance. Bill it on a monthly (or weekly) basis.

This is good advice.

-signed an individual that cared for their dying parent for 2 years only to see a mentally ill sibling covince them on the side to cut me and my other sibling out of the will. Real crazy stuff. This stuff happens all the time.

That is awful and you are right these stories are not uncommon. I am so sorry your 2 years of caring and giving ended up this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What guarantees that you’d get from estate?

Charge rent

OP (or anyone else in this situation) should not wait for the inheritance. Bill it on a monthly (or weekly) basis.

This is good advice.

-signed an individual that cared for their dying parent for 2 years only to see a mentally ill sibling covince them on the side to cut me and my other sibling out of the will. Real crazy stuff. This stuff happens all the time.

That is awful and you are right these stories are not uncommon. I am so sorry your 2 years of caring and giving ended up this way.

It is awful but it gets even worse. My sister (the manipulative mentally ill sibling) let a scumbag con artist move in with her who squandered about $600,000 of the money before she even knew it had happened. So some heroin addict from Baltimore got my mother's money while my kids were paying student loans for college.

[Anonymous]

BEFORE your MIL moved in you need to tour and price memory care places which will probably be 12,000 a month.

Then also call a home agency to ask how much 24 hours of care is 7 days of week. Plus how much a maid is who can wash and cook for MIL plus how much rent people charge for a 1 guest room.

Then your wife needs to call her sister and explain these are the options. Does she want money from the estate so the mother lives with her? Or is she fine with your wife using that money to house their mother.

Do not go into this decision lightly. It is life altering and will affect your relationship with your wife. It will be hard to spontaneously go on a trip, have friends over for dinner, have a quiet meal together.

Your MIL could last ten more years. Do you want that level of responsibility for 10 years? You need to plan now. Maybe you do a year then MIL goes into assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh. Please think it through more before you decide.

You will need 24 hour caregivers. They will need to bathe her and maybe cleanup diaper situations. She will need prescription medicine management plus someone to make sure all the prescriptions arrive.

My mom had day and night meds plus other meds used as needed.

You will need a way to keep her secure if she starts wandering.

Her room will need regular cleaning.

Do you have a ramp to enter your house?

Secure any guns, medicines, breakables.

Get pads for the furniture. My mother had a poop accident on my furniture and I had to clean it up.

We pay for outside care. My house is small and has too many stairs, and we would not want all the caregivers in our space 24-7.

If you have the room, though, caregivers at home might be fine.

[Anonymous]

Maybe smooth leather not sueded leather furniture would be the best thing to have

[Anonymous]

Also, after you have dealt with poop and urine accidents in your home, bewitching hour,s trange outbursts, accusations, etc (varies so might not be all of this, may be more) don't be surprised if a sibling minimizes all you do and accuses you of getting renovations you wanted and claiming they were for mom. Charging rent could come back to bite you with the sibling too. That's why it's so much easier to have her somewhere else. The sibling needs to see just how insanely expensive it is and if you visit often, it helps ensure good care. Plus, you can still take care of yourself without burnout and resentment, Even having caregivers doing the work in your home can burn you out. Add to that an unappreciative sibling who thinks YOU are spending too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be forewarned that sometimes siblings expect the other sibling to do these things for free. Talk about it up front. Really, though it's easier if she is in a memory care where they are trained to deal even if the decline gets bad, you don't need to alter your home, there are social activities, etc. Your sibling will see just how much this care costs, and you can visit and enjoy the elder without feeling burned out and unappreciated while also having constant strangers coming in and out. You also don't risk an sibling wanting constant tallies of every hour and what you did and claiming you are charging too much. Much easier when you need to go out of town as well or just need a break.

The decline can be terrifying and traumatic and not something you want to be subjected to 24-7. Plus, they can pick up on emotions and become agitated. So your stress can make it worse. It's a lot easier to hold it together when you go visit and use all the techniques to keep things pleasant, then leave.

This^^^. I personally do not understand wanting to keep someone who should be in "memory care" at home. It's exhausting care, and can be dangerous if you don't have excellent 24/7 care (that doesn't cancel on you). Also, it is helpful to be around others to prevent future memory decline. Eating meals together, doing puzzles (yes often toddler puzzles), etc, but just the social aspect will help. I'd do memory care in a good facility and pay for an aide for 5-8 hours a day, if you can/want. But living in a house where you can wander outside and disappear, accidentally try to use the stove, etc. is dangerous to everyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? Is she healthy otherwise? Trying to figure out how long she will live.

Don't send her to a home. She will not be treated there well.

If you don't want to move her in, you could hire 24-7 care for her. If you hire thru an agency, that will likely cost around 150k per year, perhaps more.

You could do private pay as well but that is harder unless your wife can go over there if someone calls out (maybe she can). Private pay could be cheaper.

You could also let her move in, but hire help to come to your house, but that means you have strangers in your house.

Or maybe you could build an ADU in one of your yards and she could live there?

I think it would be fair to charge the estate 15 to 20 dollars an hour for every hour of care your wife provides.

So interesting that the brother above gets $37-47/hour, yet the suggestion here for the wife is $15-20/hour, nearly half or more less than what the man is paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

Plus, as a PP pointed out, your lives will never be the same if she's in your home. for your marriage or your kids. How do you take a vacation if your care is not reliable---they fail to send someone at shift change/person calls out sick, and you are a 6 hour flight away? What do you do then?

IMO, someone who is at the point of "wandering outside the home confused" belongs in a memory care facility. For their safety. Most are "locked in areas" so residents cannot simply escape (once again, for the resident's safety). They will have safe outdoor spaces to use on nice days, they won't have access to stoves or things where a 1 min (the care giver needs to go pee) break where they can do something dangerous.

Not to mention, being around others has to help with the brain decline. Being alone is not good for elderly people, let alone one with cognitive decline. So just go directly to a facility, when you have the time to select the right place and get on a wait list for the next 2-3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

Plus, as a PP pointed out, your lives will never be the same if she's in your home. for your marriage or your kids. How do you take a vacation if your care is not reliable---they fail to send someone at shift change/person calls out sick, and you are a 6 hour flight away? What do you do then?

IMO, someone who is at the point of "wandering outside the home confused" belongs in a memory care facility. For their safety. Most are "locked in areas" so residents cannot simply escape (once again, for the resident's safety). They will have safe outdoor spaces to use on nice days, they won't have access to stoves or things where a 1 min (the care giver needs to go pee) break where they can do something dangerous.

Not to mention, being around others has to help with the brain decline. Being alone is not good for elderly people, let alone one with cognitive decline. So just go directly to a facility, when you have the time to select the right place and get on a wait list for the next 2-3 months.

With $5 mill in the bank, the MiL can move into a nice facility, even in memory care. Our mom resisted, but when she finally moved into one, and it certainly wasn’t on a $5 mill budget, she really flourished. Even memory care units can have daily activities for residents. They were fairly robust where my mom was. She rarely joined in the arts/crafts/games, but she always sat at the table with others and chit chatted while they worked on projects. She did participate when they would have more physical activities in the round.

And I agree with the PP, if your MiL has been wandering around outside the home, she should not remain alone any longer.

You are truly fortunate that money is not an issue. That is how safety ends up being compromised for many seniors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

Plus, as a PP pointed out, your lives will never be the same if she's in your home. for your marriage or your kids. How do you take a vacation if your care is not reliable---they fail to send someone at shift change/person calls out sick, and you are a 6 hour flight away? What do you do then?

IMO, someone who is at the point of "wandering outside the home confused" belongs in a memory care facility. For their safety. Most are "locked in areas" so residents cannot simply escape (once again, for the resident's safety). They will have safe outdoor spaces to use on nice days, they won't have access to stoves or things where a 1 min (the care giver needs to go pee) break where they can do something dangerous.

Not to mention, being around others has to help with the brain decline. Being alone is not good for elderly people, let alone one with cognitive decline. So just go directly to a facility, when you have the time to select the right place and get on a wait list for the next 2-3 months.

With $5 mill in the bank, the MiL can move into a nice facility, even in memory care. Our mom resisted, but when she finally moved into one, and it certainly wasn’t on a $5 mill budget, she really flourished. Even memory care units can have daily activities for residents. They were fairly robust where my mom was. She rarely joined in the arts/crafts/games, but she always sat at the table with others and chit chatted while they worked on projects. She did participate when they would have more physical activities in the round.

And I agree with the PP, if your MiL has been wandering around outside the home, she should not remain alone any longer.

You are truly fortunate that money is not an issue. That is how safety ends up being compromised for many seniors.

Agreeing with everything here. Memory Care can be a godsend. There is often a transition period where you may have doubts, but the activities and social piece make a huge difference. I saw my father light up in a beautiful way engaging with others even if the conversations were often the same and also singing and clapping. His old self would have snubbed a singing activity, but in this state the joy was heartwarming to witness.

Yes, the places are understaffed. Yes, occasionally we would visit and there would be a smell. Yes, sometimes they let him wear 4 layers of clothing on a hot day. I can tell you plenty goes wrong with 24-7 care at home and he was rotting on the sofa and mom was aging rapidly from the stress.

Don't assume if you take in your elder, your sibling will offer to supervise for a week while you are out of town. Don't assume your sibling will have much empathy or gratitude. Of and if there is a fall YOU may be blamed for not hiring good enough care. Even better, when sibling comes to visit, that sibling may expect you to cater to her/him as well as you watch the elder shower the one who does nothing with love and appreciation. So much easier to cope with any of this when the elder does not live with you and you are not the caregiver or care coordinator. Use the money to outsource it all and just visit.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT DO THIS!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

Plus, as a PP pointed out, your lives will never be the same if she's in your home. for your marriage or your kids. How do you take a vacation if your care is not reliable---they fail to send someone at shift change/person calls out sick, and you are a 6 hour flight away? What do you do then?

IMO, someone who is at the point of "wandering outside the home confused" belongs in a memory care facility. For their safety. Most are "locked in areas" so residents cannot simply escape (once again, for the resident's safety). They will have safe outdoor spaces to use on nice days, they won't have access to stoves or things where a 1 min (the care giver needs to go pee) break where they can do something dangerous.

Not to mention, being around others has to help with the brain decline. Being alone is not good for elderly people, let alone one with cognitive decline. So just go directly to a facility, when you have the time to select the right place and get on a wait list for the next 2-3 months.

With $5 mill in the bank, the MiL can move into a nice facility, even in memory care. Our mom resisted, but when she finally moved into one, and it certainly wasn’t on a $5 mill budget, she really flourished. Even memory care units can have daily activities for residents. They were fairly robust where my mom was. She rarely joined in the arts/crafts/games, but she always sat at the table with others and chit chatted while they worked on projects. She did participate when they would have more physical activities in the round.

And I agree with the PP, if your MiL has been wandering around outside the home, she should not remain alone any longer.

You are truly fortunate that money is not an issue. That is how safety ends up being compromised for many seniors.

Agreed! My parents are in IL at a CCRC. The memory care portion has an amazing outdoor area, so when weather is nice, they spend time out there several times per day. they play games/activities throughout the day. The memory care portion has their own live in service dog---he's there to just help make the place a happier place (you have to give up your animals when you move out of IL, obviuosly). The doggie brings so much joy to the residents. Now yes, it's a very nice facility, but it is where I would want my parents or relatives when they need it. If a relative is leaving the home and confused, it is downright dangerous to leave them at home. And stressful for the caregiver(s). It will only get worse, and yes, I do think the social aspect of a home will help them maintain their mental acuities longer.

My parents are lucky---despite being poor (they never made more than $45K total between the two of them--now in mid 80s---I ate free lunch several years in public schools), they were extremely frugal and had over 3/4M saved (after selling their home). We had to pay the huge entry fee, but they also pay for LTC insurance and each have 3+ years should they need it. They planned to not be a burden to us kids. We paid the entry fee because we live on the other side of country---and they wouldnt' move to us. So we felt this was the best use of funds to ensure they are safe and well taken care of---if they need advanced care I don't have to fly there immediately---it will happen smoothly within 24 hours. And yes, then if one is in other care, they can visit daily, even taking the "one in care" back to IL for hours if it's "safe"/manageable

I am thankful everyday they planned well. They are living a nicer retirement than anything in their first 75 years of life.