Should I move closer to STBX?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell? Why should you move and disrupt the kid and go to worst schools just so ex can live somewhere else?

What about the obvious solution that is best for the kid - ex should sell family house and buy something near you and kid and see his kid more.

90 10 custody is absurd in this day and age. He should step up and see his kid more. I sure as heck hope that you are getting child support in exchange for doing the vast majority of the parenting.

Do you have your own lawyer, or just one that you share with DH? You sound clueless and like you might not be protecting your interests a lot. I think you need your own lawyer

That is the obvious choice, I agree, but ex is inflexible and settled now, so it won’t happen.

Agreed, the arrangement is absurd. I do get some type of child support. I am consulting with a lawyer but don’t want to get wrapped up in litigation if it can be avoided. I am probably a bit clueless as this is all new to me, but i am learning. I just want to make the best choice for my kid and I feel like that’s seeing dad more through the the week, though I do not actually want to do a 50/50 situation because my kid thrives with 1 homebase and a very set structured routine (kid is neurodivergent)

[Anonymous]

Absolutely don’t move. Your dh could just as easily sell the recently renovated home and move near you, yet he won’t, which tells you his priorities. As your child gets older, use some of the money you are saving on the lower mortgage and make your life easier - hire someone to drive to/from some of the activities or pay for Uber teen or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all your constructive advice.

Interestingly, where the ex moved is closer to our family and friends. In fact, prior to our split I had spent my time renovating that house in the hope to downsize and live there. That area is closer to the city and has many young families, which I thought would be better for our child. The schools are slightly lower in ratings but still decent schools (QO vs Blair)

I am going to get everything settled and get my kid through elementary school and then reevaluate.

I know that proximity won’t make someone a better parent but I do think he would spend more time with kid if we were closer.

I’m interested to see how the courts will view our custody arrangement. If you have amicably agreed to a custody arrangement where one parent has so much more time will a judge ask the other parent about the circumstances or why they aren’t fighting for more time?

It sounds like you wanted to live in that area and were intending to relocate before the divorce. If so, it's not crazy to move. Don't move for him, but if that's where you want to live longterm and it just happens to be closer to him, then go ahead. You don't need to wait just to pretend you aren't following him. You are allowed to choose to live closer to the city, near family and friends, and in a smaller house that fits your needs better, if that's what you'd prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all your constructive advice.

Interestingly, where the ex moved is closer to our family and friends. In fact, prior to our split I had spent my time renovating that house in the hope to downsize and live there. That area is closer to the city and has many young families, which I thought would be better for our child. The schools are slightly lower in ratings but still decent schools (QO vs Blair)

I am going to get everything settled and get my kid through elementary school and then reevaluate.

I know that proximity won’t make someone a better parent but I do think he would spend more time with kid if we were closer.

I’m interested to see how the courts will view our custody arrangement. If you have amicably agreed to a custody arrangement where one parent has so much more time will a judge ask the other parent about the circumstances or why they aren’t fighting for more time?

The judge isn’t going to care. They see really, really bad things all the time. A workaholic dad is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Wait for the divorce to be finalized to see if it becomes acrimonious and see how your ex does with visitation. If he starts flaking out on his every other weekend you're gonna regret moving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all your constructive advice.

Interestingly, where the ex moved is closer to our family and friends. In fact, prior to our split I had spent my time renovating that house in the hope to downsize and live there. That area is closer to the city and has many young families, which I thought would be better for our child. The schools are slightly lower in ratings but still decent schools (QO vs Blair)

I am going to get everything settled and get my kid through elementary school and then reevaluate.

I know that proximity won’t make someone a better parent but I do think he would spend more time with kid if we were closer.

I’m interested to see how the courts will view our custody arrangement. If you have amicably agreed to a custody arrangement where one parent has so much more time will a judge ask the other parent about the circumstances or why they aren’t fighting for more time?

The judge isn’t going to care. They see really, really bad things all the time. A workaholic dad is not a big deal.

He’s not a workaholic. He has to be at work at 5/6am which is the nature of his field and will never change, but he’s usually off by 3 and then spends several hours at the gym. Doesn’t work weekends or travel for work, ever.

He could be more helpful and actively chooses not to be.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the courts care if the parents are in agreement about a custody arrangement.

One consideration—I don’t know the circumstances of your split, but I really appreciated a fresh start in a small, cozy place that I could make my own (that hadn’t been shared with my ex). Being close to family and friends is a major plus, in my opinion.

Highly doubt your ex will step up because you’re close. On the other hand, mine did—was not super involved when we were married but did pretty well in divorce (we have a 70-30 split, he didn’t want any more than that). I try to encourage kids to have a relationship with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all your constructive advice.

Interestingly, where the ex moved is closer to our family and friends. In fact, prior to our split I had spent my time renovating that house in the hope to downsize and live there. That area is closer to the city and has many young families, which I thought would be better for our child. The schools are slightly lower in ratings but still decent schools (QO vs Blair)

I am going to get everything settled and get my kid through elementary school and then reevaluate.

I know that proximity won’t make someone a better parent but I do think he would spend more time with kid if we were closer.

I’m interested to see how the courts will view our custody arrangement. If you have amicably agreed to a custody arrangement where one parent has so much more time will a judge ask the other parent about the circumstances or why they aren’t fighting for more time?

The judge isn’t going to care. They see really, really bad things all the time. A workaholic dad is not a big deal.

He’s not a workaholic. He has to be at work at 5/6am which is the nature of his field and will never change, but he’s usually off by 3 and then spends several hours at the gym. Doesn’t work weekends or travel for work, ever.

He could be more helpful and actively chooses not to be.

In that case it seems like your subject of this post is a bit misleading and that you want to move because you like the area where the STBX is living better (perfectly legitimate) rather than chasing the dim hope that STBX will take a more active parenting role.

[Anonymous]

The situation is complex. For now, I'm resigned to staying put until things are more firmly resolved. While moving provides some relief to the issue of seeing dad more often, regardless of his level of involvement, it also creates a lot of other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your ex only wants to see your child 2-3 days a month, I doubt moving closer is going to turn him into any kind of involved father.

He barely even wants contact.

Do what is best for you both long term. If you would move to where he is regardless and even if he never does more than see him a couple days a month, then move. If you are moving under some belief that being close willl make him want contact - then don't move.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all your constructive advice.

Interestingly, where the ex moved is closer to our family and friends. In fact, prior to our split I had spent my time renovating that house in the hope to downsize and live there. That area is closer to the city and has many young families, which I thought would be better for our child. The schools are slightly lower in ratings but still decent schools (QO vs Blair)

I am going to get everything settled and get my kid through elementary school and then reevaluate.

I know that proximity won’t make someone a better parent but I do think he would spend more time with kid if we were closer.

I’m interested to see how the courts will view our custody arrangement. If you have amicably agreed to a custody arrangement where one parent has so much more time will a judge ask the other parent about the circumstances or why they aren’t fighting for more time?

The judge isn’t going to care. They see really, really bad things all the time. A workaholic dad is not a big deal.

He’s not a workaholic. He has to be at work at 5/6am which is the nature of his field and will never change, but he’s usually off by 3 and then spends several hours at the gym. Doesn’t work weekends or travel for work, ever.

He could be more helpful and actively chooses not to be.

What about that difference makes you think a judge is going to care? What do you want from the judge? It sounds like you want the judge to officially rule you are the better parent/tell your ex he’s legally a bad dad. Well that is never going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The situation is complex. For now, I'm resigned to staying put until things are more firmly resolved. While moving provides some relief to the issue of seeing dad more often, regardless of his level of involvement, it also creates a lot of other issues.

Not sure why you think moving closer to your ex means he will see your kid more. It sounds like he didn’t see your kid more when he lived in the same house with him. Just stop thinking that is even a factor.

[Anonymous]

if he gets off work at 3 every day and goes to the gym for a few hours instead of seeing you kid, nothing will change if he's 10 minutes away. Dad will still prioritize himself (and the new girlfriend, whenever she arrives).

[Anonymous]

Would you move even if you knew for a fact your ex will absolutely not do more parenting? That’s the decision to make.

[Anonymous]

Do not move to an area with worse schools. That is folly, you would regret it especially with the low interest rate you give up.