Custody question - what did it take to get more than 50-50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex had one bedroom apartment, and judge preferred to see kids in their own home with separate bedrooms. I was a SAHM too, so I offered more stability.

That's ridiculous and not a reason to keep the kids from their other parent.

And what if the kid is unhappy with those living conditions? Would it still be ridiculous?

Kids can be unhappy with a lot of aspects of their lives. My teenage son lives in a small bedroom in a twin bed and not much space for friends to visit. He wishes he had a bigger room. Should a court take away custody for this setup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex had one bedroom apartment, and judge preferred to see kids in their own home with separate bedrooms. I was a SAHM too, so I offered more stability.

That's ridiculous and not a reason to keep the kids from their other parent.

And what if the kid is unhappy with those living conditions? Would it still be ridiculous?

Kids can be unhappy with a lot of aspects of their lives. My teenage son lives in a small bedroom in a twin bed and not much space for friends to visit. He wishes he had a bigger room. Should a court take away custody for this setup?

Mine dies too but our room is only slightly bigger. Finances change. If dad is paying child support, alimony, extras and taxes that’s all he can afford. He can put beds in the bedroom with a sheet for private. Or, as a Sahm you go back to work and help financially.

[Anonymous]

It took physical abuse of our child by ex that was witnessed in pubic, reported by me and prosecuted by the DA. The reported and documented abuse of me did not matter fyi and emotional abuse isn’t even worth discussing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

Your friend is right. The best results I’ve seen is when people don’t fight it out using lawyers, they agree to 50 50 but guess what? Many men don’t really want it, so kids end up back primarily with mom anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

Would you like moving every three days?

[Anonymous]

Shitty parents demand 50/50 to get back at shitty spouses. In the end, she gets her freedom, he gets his pound of flesh, and the kid gets screwed over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took physical abuse of our child by ex that was witnessed in pubic, reported by me and prosecuted by the DA. The reported and documented abuse of me did not matter fyi and emotional abuse isn’t even worth discussing.

OP If you don’t mind my asking, how significant was the physical abuse instance that you reference. My friend also described to the lawyer instances towards the child that could be considered borderline problematic, but the lawyer said that they might not move the needle much.

[Anonymous]

Get the best custody lawyer money can buy. Get an evaluator to hear kids side. Ex will likely give in when he realizes the kids have feelings and opinions too.

[Anonymous]

I got it in a settlement after multiple contempt orders plus money (i.e., forgiving a considerable monetary judgment and waiving the remainder of lifetime alimony). FWIW, the contempt orders were egregious and the judge was getting quite angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

This is absolutely true, but you seem to have misread what I wrote. I didn’t say no access to both parents. Regular access is fine, but making a kid divide their lives 50/50 is not ideal. This 50/50 push was driven by avoidance of child support which is a fairly strict calculation in most states, driven by custody time. 50 50 sounds fair on paper but it is not ideal for kids. Having one secure home base is best, with regular access by the non custodial parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get the best custody lawyer money can buy. Get an evaluator to hear kids side. Ex will likely give in when he realizes the kids have feelings and opinions too.

Horrible advice. Most evaluators in the system are quacks. Signed, lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

This is absolutely true, but you seem to have misread what I wrote. I didn’t say no access to both parents. Regular access is fine, but making a kid divide their lives 50/50 is not ideal. This 50/50 push was driven by avoidance of child support which is a fairly strict calculation in most states, driven by custody time. 50 50 sounds fair on paper but it is not ideal for kids. Having one secure home base is best, with regular access by the non custodial parent.

I agree. Running back and forth between two households is hard, especially for teens. Sports equipment, instruments, and computers get left behind. They get FOMO about missing something at school or with friends. Try to find a way to settle so your ex doesn't pay more child support than they would if they had more time, and they may agree. My approach to working this stuff out was always driven by doing what was best for the kids, and I accepted any required concession or sacrifice. Their childhood is short and you can get the rest of your life back on track once you've done your job as a parent. This doesn't apply to situations where two healthy parents live near each other and prioritize their kids' well-being.