How do you kill envy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 and 3
When I was younger I was envious of people who had more success in my field, especially a few whose connections helped them. I remember having a heart-to-heart with myself and realizing I really, really wanted what they had and started to work much harder and also realized I had to make connections as that was part of the game and did so, and did get to their levels and beyond.

3. I think envy is pretty natural and normal. So if I feel it, I try to remember the facts of my life, the choices I made, the particular fates I had--better than some, worse than others. Some health problems occurred in my family which were random and unusual (think brain tumor) and that helped me realize that not everything is in my control. Sometimes we have to drop everything and deal with the unexpected and out plans, hopes and trajectories change. I also never got as far as I wanted in Mt field. I had to let go of the desire.

I think a lot of people want others to envy them and spend a lot of time trying to provoke it. Social media makes it endemic. I know that I have wanted others to envy me at times. I know too that I have been envied and it did not feel good.

I agree with others who said that thinking about gratitude helps. It keeps things in perspective. I think the older you get, the less you feel envy. You see that over the course of a lifetime, most everyone has pain and hardships and you can't see all the details behind the scenes.

And there will always be someone more lucky, successful and better looking! That's just the way it is.

this is very wise and smart. esp the bolded.
when i see people provoking envy i fall for it every time. which is ridiculous

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to have accomplished more

[Anonymous]

I just want to note that while becoming more successful or accomplishing more might reduce or eliminate the envy you have in specific instances, this is not actually a good way to "kill envy" because there will always be someone who has something you want. Always. Even ultra successful people can identify things they want and can't have.

You can only kill envy by becoming more at peace with yourself, so that even when you see that someone has something you want, it doesn't make you feel less than for not having it. You might see a job you want or some material good you want to be able to afford, and you might work to get those things, but you don't feel like there is anything lacking in *you* when you don't have it. Only that it's something you want in your life. In order to to truly kill envy, you need to fully accept yourself and have confidence in your ability to get the things you want and need. Envy is a form of fear (that you will never have what you want, perhaps because you don't deserve it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to note that while becoming more successful or accomplishing more might reduce or eliminate the envy you have in specific instances, this is not actually a good way to "kill envy" because there will always be someone who has something you want. Always. Even ultra successful people can identify things they want and can't have.

You can only kill envy by becoming more at peace with yourself, so that even when you see that someone has something you want, it doesn't make you feel less than for not having it. You might see a job you want or some material good you want to be able to afford, and you might work to get those things, but you don't feel like there is anything lacking in *you* when you don't have it. Only that it's something you want in your life. In order to to truly kill envy, you need to fully accept yourself and have confidence in your ability to get the things you want and need. Envy is a form of fear (that you will never have what you want, perhaps because you don't deserve it).

wow this is amazingly insightful.
I am c level and have achieved a ton in life but I still have envy of a lot. i dont think success kills envy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mostly #1.

I do think I'm more prone to envy than some others are, but I think it's because I was neglected as a child and therefore grew up very insecure about basic needs. This got me in the habit of often looking out at others and seeing they had fundamental needs met while mine were not. This breeds envy and puts you in a "scarcity mindset" that often makes you feel like you are in competition with others for basic things.

I think I'll always have emotional wounds from that neglect and thus will probably always be prone to envy. However, instead of seeing it as a personality defect, I see it as the understandable outcome of a very less-than-ideal childhood where I often went without (everything from food and transportation to love and attention). I think a lot of people who claim to never feel envy would likely be more like me if they'd had my childhood. So this helps me be more understanding of myself and forgive myself when I do experience envy.

But yes, as an adult, I mostly just try to channel my feelings of envy into action to obtain the things I want. This is a hell of a lot easier to do as a grown up than a child, so at least there is that.

I'll always envy people with happy childhoods and loving parents, though. That will never go away and frankly I feel entitled to it.

This is very insightful. We grew up wealthy but neglected in other ways. My sister is a very envious person. She tries to make up for it by spending tons of money on stuff that doesn't make her happy. It makes me sad to see her do this. She has a lot of great qualities and she undermines herself with the envy and seeking material goods to soothe herself. I wish she could see that she's fabulous in so many ways and doesn't need to be so jealous or acquire so much expensive stuff.

I rarely feel envy. When I do, it motivates me to go get whatever I feel is missing. I have my own messed up ways of coping, but envy isn't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By being successful, OP.

And successful is subjective, thank goodness!

Focus on all wonderful things that have gone well in your life.

did you find the envy was 'fuel' for you to go above and beyond?

Not at all, quite the opposite. I don't have a typical lifestyle, and do not want some of the material goods or social status that others seem to covet. I live an outwardly modest life, and am not interested in splashing my wealth about. But my kids can attend the college they want, we can travel how we want, retirement is taken care of, and I'm in the process of establishing a trust fund. I share none of those things except anonymously.

That's not very interesting though. Money is just money. It doesn't stop you dying from a horrible disease or your kids getting squashed in car accidents. It's meaningless.

PP you replied to. Sadly, we have plenty of horrible disease in the family. I cannot express to you how money brings me peace of mind in that context, for potential long-term care (hence the trust fund).

Also not sure what you mean by "interesting". I find my life plenty interesting, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By being successful, OP.

And successful is subjective, thank goodness!

Focus on all wonderful things that have gone well in your life.

did you find the envy was 'fuel' for you to go above and beyond?

Not at all, quite the opposite. I don't have a typical lifestyle, and do not want some of the material goods or social status that others seem to covet. I live an outwardly modest life, and am not interested in splashing my wealth about. But my kids can attend the college they want, we can travel how we want, retirement is taken care of, and I'm in the process of establishing a trust fund. I share none of those things except anonymously.

That's not very interesting though. Money is just money. It doesn't stop you dying from a horrible disease or your kids getting squashed in car accidents. It's meaningless.

PP you replied to. Sadly, we have plenty of horrible disease in the family. I cannot express to you how money brings me peace of mind in that context, for potential long-term care (hence the trust fund).

Also not sure what you mean by "interesting". I find my life plenty interesting, thanks.

Well its definitely more interesting now that you shared those details. I'm sorry about the illness. We have a lot of that too. Thank god for insurance, is our motto.

[Anonymous]

Do something worthwhile with your life, and develop skills to take meaningful action against the people you are envious of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do something worthwhile with your life, and develop skills to take meaningful action against the people you are envious of.

That’s a weird take - do you mean that those who inspire envy deserve retribution?

[Anonymous]

I don't feel much envy and given those choices I'd lean more to #2, envy is an abhorrent trait. Having said that I have plenty of other traits that are awful and frustrating (some you probably don't have too much of because you consider it far too terrible and unhealthy to indulge). We have so many factors that mold us and I think we just end up finding some things beyond distasteful while others are struggles we view as more understandable parts of human nature

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do something worthwhile with your life, and develop skills to take meaningful action against the people you are envious of.

LOL hilarious!