Best ways to support friend whose child likely will be diagnosed with severe autism

[Anonymous]

I have two (now adult) nephews with severe autism.

Agree with what PPs have said. Refrain from offering advice, continue to appreciate the kid for who he is, and if you feel close enough, offer to host him on occasion. Without calling it respite, or "a break," agree that it can be really challenging to find others to provide care, so that would be super helpful.

You're being a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue to invite them as a family to things. We have almost no family friends because our friend's kids thought my daughter was "weird" and no effort was made to accommodate her.

This. It's so hard to find friends for neurodiverse or high medical needs kids!!!

[Anonymous]

In some ways, do the same for them as you do for others. That means, when looking for gifts, ask about his interests, what he might like, etc.

If you do invite them out, make sure that the venue will work in advance for him. Also, if they have to leave because he actually can't handle that venue on that particular day, don't hold it against them. Sometimes it's pretty unpredictable and some spaces that work most days don't other days, and I don't always know in advance.

[Anonymous]

My best friends let me vent and celebrated with me when my son met a milestone. My closest local friend would invite us over, meet us at the park, etc and never batted an eye if there was a meltdown. In a lot of ways, she just adopted him as her kid. She treated him as I would. For me, that was huge. She was a safe place for him to be himself. And because he could be himself, he was more willing to go out with her family.

[Anonymous]

Be normal and curious about his development

[Anonymous]

Agree with others who say continue to invite and embrace. It can be lonesome. My DD was diagnosed at 2.5 (verbal, fairly high functioning but clearly at that age there was enough there to diagnose). Once folks found out, instead of being inclusive and inviting her we often faced the opposite even though nothing had changed about her besides having a diagnosis. The people who embraced our child for all her strengths and us, without downplaying that she has a disability that comes with challenges and smoothing over everything is fine, have been GOLD to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for these tips. Her child is wonderful in so many ways. He doesn’t speak or babble, doesn’t point, wave, blow kisses or high five, etc., but he’s giggly, physically affectionate, silly and a total delight. I will
invite them to stuff with the caveat that there’s no pressure if it doesn’t work for them and I’ll also always show up when she invites me to stuff that works for her kid. Those are great tips. If there’s stuff I should read, let me know (though I agree that I should never tell her things like “I read that this random herb will solve all your problems!”). I want to educate myself but I will avoid ever thinking I can educate her (and she’s a bad ass who is fully on top of this, so it’d never occur to me to think I have more info that she does).

The child is very young. Much can change in the months and years to come. The parents will communicate with their team of professionals. You just continue being a fried .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not give her any information on autism that she did not specifically ask you for.

Its answers like this that keep everything siloed. You have no idea what experience the original poster has or what her background is. Perhaps she works in a school district with children who have autism.... Or maybe she has been a direct care provider..... If she reads an article it is 100% okay to ask her friend if she was aware of an article or what she thought about it.

Friends do that all the time I get sent tick tocks Instagram posts and information all of the time that someone thought of me when they saw..... And sometimes there is really good information or a way of looking at things that I hadn't before and I would hate for people to be fearful to send me stuff because of people like you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give her any information on autism that she did not specifically ask you for.

Its answers like this that keep everything siloed. You have no idea what experience the original poster has or what her background is. Perhaps she works in a school district with children who have autism.... Or maybe she has been a direct care provider..... If she reads an article it is 100% okay to ask her friend if she was aware of an article or what she thought about it.

Friends do that all the time I get sent tick tocks Instagram posts and information all of the time that someone thought of me when they saw..... And sometimes there is really good information or a way of looking at things that I hadn't before and I would hate for people to be fearful to send me stuff because of people like you

Dr. TikTok LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two (now adult) nephews with severe autism.

Agree with what PPs have said. Refrain from offering advice, continue to appreciate the kid for who he is, and if you feel close enough, offer to host him on occasion. Without calling it respite, or "a break," agree that it can be really challenging to find others to provide care, so that would be super helpful.

You're being a good friend.

+1 These are all good responses. I think it's important as the child grows older to make sure to include him or her in outings if your friend feels comfortable so she's not as isolated and if you can develop a relationship with the child and babysit once in a while your friend would probably be eternally grateful. But follow her lead. Some moms like to go out with their friends without the child to get a break.

I think not making assumptions about the child's abilities is a good one. One of my friends was irate when another friend sent her articles about job opportunities for children with disabilities. Her child was something like 2 and at that point it was unclear how her child would develop and while the other friend meant well it was really devastating for the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not give her any information on autism that she did not specifically ask you for.

This. And, learn and use the terms your friend's child and your friend want to be used. This may or may not include identity first language, functioning labels etc.