DD hides her life from me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem #1, and possibly the root of all the problems, you're reading her texts at age 17. How embarrassing! I stopped monitoring social media stuff (never read her texts) when she turned 16, and that was prob later than I should have. She is almost a legal adult, you should NOT be reading her texts. She is probably extremely resentful.

I'd have a conversation to say, hey just FYI I will not monitor your social media or texts anymore, but I'm really hoping that we can get back to the open relationship we used to have where we'd talk more. There is also nothing better for finding out what's going on her life than a long drive, long walk or shopping excursion.

OP here. She doesn’t know I read her texts. I only do it occasionally!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD17 and I used to be extremely close and she would tell me everything. As she’s gotten older, though, I’ve noticed that she conceals important parts of her life from me. I read a text she sent to a friend talking about a boy she likes at school. I’ve never heard her mention him before. If she fails a test, she won’t tell me, which might be normal, but she also won’t tell me if she does well, which makes me sad. I don’t want her to think she can’t talk to me. She seems to just view me now as the person who pays for her stuff and makes dinner.

Thoughts?

Is there a way to get her to talk to you about this boy, without letting her know you read her texts? Can you find out more information about this boy some other way?

I would really need to know this.

I don't think there is any way without her DD figuring it out. I feel like OP is not raising a dummy. And if she finds out... You think she is distant now? Just wait and see how bad it can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem #1, and possibly the root of all the problems, you're reading her texts at age 17. How embarrassing! I stopped monitoring social media stuff (never read her texts) when she turned 16, and that was prob later than I should have. She is almost a legal adult, you should NOT be reading her texts. She is probably extremely resentful.

I'd have a conversation to say, hey just FYI I will not monitor your social media or texts anymore, but I'm really hoping that we can get back to the open relationship we used to have where we'd talk more. There is also nothing better for finding out what's going on her life than a long drive, long walk or shopping excursion.

OP here. She doesn’t know I read her texts. I only do it occasionally!

That’s worse to do and she doesn’t know. Better make sure she doesn’t find out or even more will be closed off to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem #1, and possibly the root of all the problems, you're reading her texts at age 17. How embarrassing! I stopped monitoring social media stuff (never read her texts) when she turned 16, and that was prob later than I should have. She is almost a legal adult, you should NOT be reading her texts. She is probably extremely resentful.

I'd have a conversation to say, hey just FYI I will not monitor your social media or texts anymore, but I'm really hoping that we can get back to the open relationship we used to have where we'd talk more. There is also nothing better for finding out what's going on her life than a long drive, long walk or shopping excursion.

OP here. She doesn’t know I read her texts. I only do it occasionally!

This is worse and I suspect you are the cause for her backing away. I was around 17 when I realized how controlling, manipulative, and anxious my mom is. I pulled far away and now that I'm in my 30s, we have an okay relationship. But we aren't close.

[Anonymous]

Why are you reading her text? What privacy does she have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you reading her text? What privacy does she have?

I am not OP, but I get OP. We should all understand where she’s coming from.

I mean, let’s not forget what she found; there is a boy involved now! A boy her daughter didn’t even tell her about.

Don’t you think that is a huge reason to be concerned?!?

[Anonymous]

I remember someone posting here once that when they figured out their mom was reading their journal, they started filling it will all kinds of stuff to bother the mom until the mom admitted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you reading her text? What privacy does she have?

I am not OP, but I get OP. We should all understand where she’s coming from.

I mean, let’s not forget what she found; there is a boy involved now! A boy her daughter didn’t even tell her about.

Don’t you think that is a huge reason to be concerned?!?

This mist be some time travel from the past.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, I would never expect my kid to tell me about a boy she had a crush on! Nor did I tell my mom that stuff. She met boyfriends yes but crushes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, I would never expect my kid to tell me about a boy she had a crush on! Nor did I tell my mom that stuff. She met boyfriends yes but crushes?

But, the OP already explained all of this.

Go back and read her opening post. She says there here DD and her used be extremely close and she would tell OP everything.

She also explained how if she fails a test, she won’t tell OP anymore, but she also won’t tell OP if she does well.

This makes OP sad.

She doesnt want her daughter to think she can’t talk to her.

Why not continue reading the texts if it helps OP feel close to her DD ?

(plus: there is a boy! )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, I would never expect my kid to tell me about a boy she had a crush on! Nor did I tell my mom that stuff. She met boyfriends yes but crushes?

But, the OP already explained all of this.

Go back and read her opening post. She says there here DD and her used be extremely close and she would tell OP everything.

She also explained how if she fails a test, she won’t tell OP anymore, but she also won’t tell OP if she does well.

This makes OP sad.

She doesnt want her daughter to think she can’t talk to her.

Why not continue reading the texts if it helps OP feel close to her DD ?

(plus: there is a boy! )

Like a voyeur

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you reading her text? What privacy does she have?

I am not OP, but I get OP. We should all understand where she’s coming from.

I mean, let’s not forget what she found; there is a boy involved now! A boy her daughter didn’t even tell her about.

Don’t you think that is a huge reason to be concerned?!?

She’s 17, and has a crush on a boy. How is this newsworthy? Like did she like girls before? What is there to even tell? Doesn’t sound like they are dating.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard when the relationship changes. OP is used to her DD talking about all kinds of stuff with her not that long ago. When DD pulls away as part of normal growing up, it leaves a gap or hole. Some parents find that hole sadder than others.

OP, is she your only child?