When did you have the sex talk?

[Anonymous]

It is not a conversation, but a series of conversations with your child. We started when our child was about 3-4 years old and curious about her body parts and how they were different from the boys. We named the body parts, discussed where babies come from, discussed the notion of consent, starting with my child's ability to deny hugging or other signs of affection by adults if she did not want them and to let an adult know if someone touches her etc.

We even watched the Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret and discussed what is similar and what is different about growing up and hitting puberty between what is portrayed in the movie and real life.

Some books she liked when she was around your daughter's age included:
It's So Amazing https://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/1536207241/ref=asc_df_1536207241?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80608132833077&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=m&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584207597763982&psc=1&dplnkId=c377b413-700f-4df4-9a45-f919ee38b3b5&nodl=1

The Care and Keeping of You discusses developmental changes in puberty: https://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Younger-American/dp/1609580834/ref=mp_s_a_1_26?crid=1KGA81U3OU2HE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ggnb2L9GOPV2-LY0z2ytw8L2n7JGin5lIoPokiTw4ZxAXZ4Xj8Nf0kwDVTscZeSN9fTwl5aV6wRIYwpwdF4cW2J6ZanMWKlhV4yG00EElvb_t8c9KdV41niZvMTO7r25jTqNP0vEoM3F20UZp68WBH2l6vfYu5-OXoNrVnKhJVxMYUK31f5Kzd7vPhCvbZPP19kOwdtjbyJNFndo524Rew.bHvdzZxfEPKRtwMk1ipUrAT3ZU266D1SZN32q61rRfw&dib_tag=se&keywords=american+girls+guide&qid=1714852135&sprefix=american+girls+guide%2Caps%2C75&sr=8-26&xpid=gx_X1okyj3RSK

Celebrate Your Body was also one my daughter liked: https://www.amazon.com/Celebrate-Your-Body-Its-Changes/dp/164152166X/ref=mp_s_a_1_29_sspa?crid=1KGA81U3OU2HE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.63o6fVBSkZJi0pRIqB-2szI-ztjP4d-slIV_dWy0w_FuhwAzc4e3s65zN6juYZErKsa-gDNMd17uYOrG4xlUPq3K-Kol7qjwH0Fm8e4eQdVu1TJeXVR3Wo8DjfkIhA4LB2NY_EeBuDf0PNUIet9OOVtWlLvzP8xfwKaj_ayP_wdlN132TOHsuPUw_krseMewHrPL9irLPoOeNr2hBgWT9g.fH1mBPJc14OvH4lISMFmchMylauDWMXe60VWeh-OJoQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=american+girls+guide&qid=1714852219&sprefix=american+girls+guide%2Caps%2C75&sr=8-29-spons&xpid=gx_X1okyj3RSK&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmX25leHQ&psc=1

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Summer before fifth grade when the word "sperm" was in a school assigned summer reading book and my DD asked what it was. Then it's been an ongoing discussion since then (that was two years ago).

[Anonymous]

Lol, at like age 2 or 3! Each time we've talked I've added more and more detail, until they know everything and then the conversation shifts towards sexual relationships rather than the act itself.

[Anonymous]

Nowadays they tell you to start very early and add more layers as you go. Then it’s never like you’re dropping a bomb. My 5 yo knows the mechanics but is not old enough to understand it in the context of attraction/love/lust/partnership etc. So it is very easy to talk about at that age.

So, if I were you I’d start catching up by discussing it in bits and pieces whenever you get a chance!

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that there is not such thing as “the big talk.” You need to have ongoing age appropriate conversations. This honestly starts at 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others that there is not such thing as “the big talk.” You need to have ongoing age appropriate conversations. This honestly starts at 2.

+1 started with my children as soon as they were speaking. All my children, including my my youngest (6) knows what sex is and understands consent.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone saying now. I think there is a pretty big uptick in what kids hear from other kids at school between 4th and 5th, and you want to be ahead of this. I also think you want to broach this subject now and make it normal to discuss while your kid is still open to it.

[Anonymous]

You start now. Don't wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nowadays they tell you to start very early and add more layers as you go. Then it’s never like you’re dropping a bomb. My 5 yo knows the mechanics but is not old enough to understand it in the context of attraction/love/lust/partnership etc. So it is very easy to talk about at that age.

So, if I were you I’d start catching up by discussing it in bits and pieces whenever you get a chance!

Nowadays? My mother taught me early on - and I'm 47. She loves the story of us being at the grocery store while I was still in diapers and a very pregnant woman in line behind us at checkout told me she had a baby in her stomach, and I told her actually it was in her uterus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nowadays they tell you to start very early and add more layers as you go. Then it’s never like you’re dropping a bomb. My 5 yo knows the mechanics but is not old enough to understand it in the context of attraction/love/lust/partnership etc. So it is very easy to talk about at that age.

So, if I were you I’d start catching up by discussing it in bits and pieces whenever you get a chance!

Nowadays? My mother taught me early on - and I'm 47. She loves the story of us being at the grocery store while I was still in diapers and a very pregnant woman in line behind us at checkout told me she had a baby in her stomach, and I told her actually it was in her uterus.

That’s great! I don’t think that was common but maybe I’m wrong!

[Anonymous]

When my son was about 4 and then periodically in age appropriate was after that.

[Anonymous]

^^^*ways

[Anonymous]

It's not one talk.

It's about fostering a family atmosphere of communication, discussion, eliminating shame, being open to all questions, and providing fact-based, age appropriate answers. It's a never ending dialogue about many "tough" issues that become less tough each time a conversation is had.

I would say...

By age 5-6: They should know all anatomy and appropriate names. Not just vagina but also vulva, clitoris, etc

By age 7-8: The basics of reproduction, how babies are made but also different family types. Not everyone can have children; some families adopt. Families may consist of single moms or dads, two moms, two dadsz etc.

By age 8-10: All the facets of puberty, especially menstruation for girls. Period kits for home and school backpack. Body odor, oily skin, diet, hormones, voice changes, shaving, need for positive self affirmation.

By age 10-12: The health benefits and normalcy of masturbation, self pleasure, self care; the idea of sex for pleasure and romance and love, not just reproduction. Masturbating frequency and safety.

By 11-13 (or earlier): Discussions about consent, online safety, phone safety, and digital literacy. Decision making and consequences, especially around the issue of sending/receiving inappropriate photos/videos from peers or adults. Issues like phone addiction, etc. Online predators, etc. House rules for phone/laptop/WiFi use behind closed doors, at night, etc.

By 12-14: Birth control, pregnancy, STIs/STDs, risks. How easy or difficult is it to get pregnant? Every day of the month? During periods? What are the pros/cons and side affects of various birth control methods? The availability of abortion in your state/stance on abortion. What is safe sex? This goes back to issues of consent. You can always say "no" and "no" means "no" and it's okay to say "stop."

By 10-15: The dangers of porn and porn addiction. Porn is acting and not an accurate depiction of sex, romance, intimacy, etc. Porn is usually unethical and misogynist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not one talk.

It's about fostering a family atmosphere of communication, discussion, eliminating shame, being open to all questions, and providing fact-based, age appropriate answers. It's a never ending dialogue about many "tough" issues that become less tough each time a conversation is had.

I would say...

By age 5-6: They should know all anatomy and appropriate names. Not just vagina but also vulva, clitoris, etc

By age 7-8: The basics of reproduction, how babies are made but also different family types. Not everyone can have children; some families adopt. Families may consist of single moms or dads, two moms, two dadsz etc.

By age 8-10: All the facets of puberty, especially menstruation for girls. Period kits for home and school backpack. Body odor, oily skin, diet, hormones, voice changes, shaving, need for positive self affirmation.

By age 10-12: The health benefits and normalcy of masturbation, self pleasure, self care; the idea of sex for pleasure and romance and love, not just reproduction. Masturbating frequency and safety.

By 11-13 (or earlier): Discussions about consent, online safety, phone safety, and digital literacy. Decision making and consequences, especially around the issue of sending/receiving inappropriate photos/videos from peers or adults. Issues like phone addiction, etc. Online predators, etc. House rules for phone/laptop/WiFi use behind closed doors, at night, etc.

By 12-14: Birth control, pregnancy, STIs/STDs, risks. How easy or difficult is it to get pregnant? Every day of the month? During periods? What are the pros/cons and side affects of various birth control methods? The availability of abortion in your state/stance on abortion. What is safe sex? This goes back to issues of consent. You can always say "no" and "no" means "no" and it's okay to say "stop."

By 10-15: The dangers of porn and porn addiction. Porn is acting and not an accurate depiction of sex, romance, intimacy, etc. Porn is usually unethical and misogynist.

Thank you for this outline! This is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not one talk.

It's about fostering a family atmosphere of communication, discussion, eliminating shame, being open to all questions, and providing fact-based, age appropriate answers. It's a never ending dialogue about many "tough" issues that become less tough each time a conversation is had.

I would say...

By age 5-6: They should know all anatomy and appropriate names. Not just vagina but also vulva, clitoris, etc

By age 7-8: The basics of reproduction, how babies are made but also different family types. Not everyone can have children; some families adopt. Families may consist of single moms or dads, two moms, two dadsz etc.

By age 8-10: All the facets of puberty, especially menstruation for girls. Period kits for home and school backpack. Body odor, oily skin, diet, hormones, voice changes, shaving, need for positive self affirmation.

By age 10-12: The health benefits and normalcy of masturbation, self pleasure, self care; the idea of sex for pleasure and romance and love, not just reproduction. Masturbating frequency and safety.

By 11-13 (or earlier): Discussions about consent, online safety, phone safety, and digital literacy. Decision making and consequences, especially around the issue of sending/receiving inappropriate photos/videos from peers or adults. Issues like phone addiction, etc. Online predators, etc. House rules for phone/laptop/WiFi use behind closed doors, at night, etc.

By 12-14: Birth control, pregnancy, STIs/STDs, risks. How easy or difficult is it to get pregnant? Every day of the month? During periods? What are the pros/cons and side affects of various birth control methods? The availability of abortion in your state/stance on abortion. What is safe sex? This goes back to issues of consent. You can always say "no" and "no" means "no" and it's okay to say "stop."

By 10-15: The dangers of porn and porn addiction. Porn is acting and not an accurate depiction of sex, romance, intimacy, etc. Porn is usually unethical and misogynist.

Thank you for this outline! This is very helpful.

Are there good resources to help support your listing above age 10? Particularly 10-12?

Before that she we liked these books:

It's not the stork
It's so amazing
The care and keeping of you series (parts, anyway)