What is this type of a response?
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Anonymous
| Clearly it's bugging her, so you should definitely share MORE, just to enjoy the show. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for responses. Yea I think she is jealous and maybe a little bitter not to be included. It’s just surprising to hear her talk like this and really off-putting. She is in general a kind person.
We do go on family vacations with her - at least one beach vacation each summer for about a week, and usually 2-3 shorter trips a year for family weddings or a long weekend. She is local so we see her a few times a month and always for holidays. I know my MIL is frustrated that she doesn’t spend more time with us and I also know she places the blame on me. I know because I have brought up with her that I felt tension with her and she shared all this with me. I feel like we already see her a lot and try and make occasions and trips special for her so I am not wanting to include her in more stuff. It is hard enough as it is to get family time with everyone’s busy schedules. I realize I am meandering into other issues now, which probably explains why these comments bother me so much. I guess my bigger picture question is what do you do with an in law who is dissatisfied with the frequency of being included in things (even though the status quo is quite frequent and by most grandparents would be totally satisfactory or every great- 1x/week, all major holidays, 1 long vacation and a couple shorter vacations a year). I guess you ignore… does anyone have any advice on how best to ignore without being rude, and also how best to deal with the internal annoyance and guilt (even though I really don’t think I should feel guilty). Our most recent incident of this is my DH planned a special trip to Europe for me and our daughter for Mother’s Day. We have never done this before and I have traveled once in the last 7 years without DH so this is a very special trip to me. He told me his mom made that comment about “what else is left after that”. How do I truly not let her comment get to me? I guess I could ask DH not to share these comments with me as one poster suggested. I don’t know which is worse - knowing she is saying these things but not knowing what exactly is being said (for some reason I feel like it’s better to know so I know what I’m really dealing with) or knowing and being frustrated. |
Anonymous
| My MIL is like this, and it is only getting worse with age. Pretty sure it comes from untreated anxiety… she has an Rx for anti-anxiety medication, but refuses to take it. I’ve been hearing these comments for 20 years. I usually deflect them with “mm hmm. So, how was your visit with SIL?” Or occasionally “oh no need to worry, I’m sure we will have a great time camping! Larlo and Larla are really looking forward to it!” And then change the subject. It used to bother me, but now I mostly just brush it off. |
Anonymous
Just accept that this is how she is and ignore her comments. |
Anonymous
Thank you. Sounds like I just need to keep ignoring and it’ll get easier with time |
Anonymous
| My adult kids and I call my mother a “black cloud” when she says something negative or hurtful. I may say “Wow – you’re clearly feeling like a black cloud today“ or “Let’s not rain on somebody else’s day, OK?“ Using the same phrasing each time draws attention to just how often she’s copping a bad attitude. |
Anonymous
| sounds like George Costanza's mother |
Anonymous
This. So does mine, and the older she gets, the worse it gets. |
Anonymous
Add selfish to her list of character traits. You see her more than enough and take her on way more than enough trips with you. She’s not kind. Stop telling yourself that. Don’t waste anymore time dwelling on her cutting comments or why or what she meant. Her petty comments are rude and deliberate. And seem to be working- they get under YOUR skin. Wake up. See her for what she is: rude and petty. Dont expect more. Dont tell her much whatsoever. Short and sweet, no details. Enjoy your trip with your daughter. Plan an African safari and SE Asia trip next. Sans grandma. |
Anonymous
Your SPOUSE needs to call her out when she makes a rude comment and then walk off. We’re going to europe What else is left after that? Ma, stop the rude comments. You sound like a fool. And walk off since she may love to argue. |
Anonymous
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I'm one of the PPs with a mom like this. It hasn't necessarily gotten easier to deflect/not internalize her negative comments, especially as they've increased as she has aged (the PP who said George Costanza's mother nailed it), but here's the thing, you'll never please her. She isn't happy with how often she sees you (which is quite a lot!), so let's say you ramp up to seeing her every day . . . she will still complain. I keep telling myself I will never please my mother, and she will always complain about whatever her nits are (e.g., when I was younger and single and got into a prestigious grad program my mother's comment was that she thought I was going to tell her I was engaged then made a sad face, thanks for taking the wind out of my sails mom!)
I see my father (in his 80s!) still trying to please my mother, and being hurt/shocked by her negative comments. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't be like him. It's a her problem, not a you problem. Live your life! Go on your amazing trip with your daughter! Her negative comments are water off a duck's back (or insert other pithy saying). And, yeah, I'd probably tell your DH to stop sharing her comments with you. Just assume she is making them and carry on. |
Anonymous
Anxiety is talking a mile a minute, or always about yourself, or never at all. Anxiety is not insulting everything someone does or plans to do. Come on. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
Not necessarily. Anxiety can look like a building discomfort about what others are telling you. Maybe it's "too much" for her to take in, too big in scope, too many details, too indulgent, too expensive, too far away, or too unfamiliar. My mother is the same. |