Managing your divorce attorney?

[Anonymous]

I’m a family law attorney. Interview several. You need one who will tell you the law, tell what will likely happen if this goes to court, give you various options on how to get there from the most reasonable way to litigation so you can better make decisions. You need to listen to your attorney and if he/she tells you something you don’t want to hear (but in a professional manner) listen to him or her. I always tell people that they are the driver but I’m the navigator. If they don’t want to follow my direction, that’s fine but it will cost them more and they may end up worse. Bottom line: work with a trustworthy attorney who has your back but is practical and follow the advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it true that joint legal and physical custody is only possible if both sides agree? Namely if one side is hell bent on their positions then the judge will award sole physical/legal custody to one party only....

Why are you interjecting yourself into my post? Start your own please! I do not have custody questions or concerns and you’re highjacking my thread. Stop it please. This is OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a family law attorney. Interview several. You need one who will tell you the law, tell what will likely happen if this goes to court, give you various options on how to get there from the most reasonable way to litigation so you can better make decisions. You need to listen to your attorney and if he/she tells you something you don’t want to hear (but in a professional manner) listen to him or her. I always tell people that they are the driver but I’m the navigator. If they don’t want to follow my direction, that’s fine but it will cost them more and they may end up worse. Bottom line: work with a trustworthy attorney who has your back but is practical and follow the advice

Thanks. This is OP. I’m willing to do this and have no idea whether this person aka attorney is trustworthy. They were recommended. They made some good points about things I can ask for and I’m also divorcing someone who is unstable and who isn’t going to budge much. Who may not actually retain their own attorney. It’s scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

As a general rule: the more "amicable" the divorce, the less expensive. If you can negotiate most of the agreement yourself and use your lawyers just to review the agreement, you'll spend the least. If you have an "aggressive" lawyer who markets themselves on fighting for you...well, you're going to spend a lot of money. You may or may not get more than if you'd just negotiated with each other on most of the terms.

FWIW: When I got divorced, my wife had hired one of those "aggressive" attorneys. She ended up agreeing to mediation, and we negotiated most of the divorce on our own (we didn't have kids, which made that easier). We also hired a mediator who specialized in divorces and could recommend collaborative lawyers. I got one of those collaborative lawyers and just ran the draft of the settlement agreement by him. He had some really good feedback. My ex's attorney kept trying to get me to do everything through her and was generally unhelpful and combative. I'm sure my ex spent a lot more on her attorney than I did. I'm not sure she got more out of the settlement because of that.

The mediator was great, though. She kept things focused, moved us toward a resolution, and was overall much more inexpensive than it would have been to have our lawyers fight things out.

So I guess my advice is to beware of "aggressive" lawyers unless you're really, really sure you need one. Many times, they'll just cost you more money without getting you that much value in return.

[Anonymous]

I’m going through divorce now. Picked an attorney who was concise and to the point and not too emotional (that’s what my therapist is for). I try to keep meetings brief 30 minutes with a bullet point agenda and project plan (like work) to keep us (mostly me ) focused on moving forward

Also do your own marital balance sheet and whatever docs they need to save yourself cost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through divorce now. Picked an attorney who was concise and to the point and not too emotional (that’s what my therapist is for). I try to keep meetings brief 30 minutes with a bullet point agenda and project plan (like work) to keep us (mostly me ) focused on moving forward

Also do your own marital balance sheet and whatever docs they need to save yourself cost

i

Thanks. I have adhd so bullet points will take effort.

What is the marital balance sheet and whatever docs to save money? What is this and how can I save cost versus having attorney complete (if this is what you mean?). TIA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

This is my concern. For example, one suggested writing a proposal agreement to spouse who already ignored a proposal agreement a few years ago. Why write another, hoping for what? The one who wrote the initial proposal just spent my money with not much to show for it. I think I need to trust someone, because the person I am attempting to divorce has personality and character challenges that include (on the more innocuous behaviors) being passive aggressive and stonewalling.

My friend was very emotional and unfortunately used the attorney as a therapist hoping spouse would come to their senses and reconcile (which was a pipe dream).

You need to take the time to ask your prospective attorney how they will handle every step, and let them know your goals. They should be able to answer what to do about stonewalling.

An initial proposal is a kind of unavoidable step though. You can’t really step out of the gate with a lawsuit.

OP here. I have no idea how an attorney would answer this given the person I am divorcing is a wild card right? Help me understand what you mean? I want to understand. Thanks.

I would say: “my ex is unpredictable and refused to engage in negotiations a year ago. what steps will you take to ensure the process moves forward?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

This is my concern. For example, one suggested writing a proposal agreement to spouse who already ignored a proposal agreement a few years ago. Why write another, hoping for what? The one who wrote the initial proposal just spent my money with not much to show for it. I think I need to trust someone, because the person I am attempting to divorce has personality and character challenges that include (on the more innocuous behaviors) being passive aggressive and stonewalling.

My friend was very emotional and unfortunately used the attorney as a therapist hoping spouse would come to their senses and reconcile (which was a pipe dream).

You need to take the time to ask your prospective attorney how they will handle every step, and let them know your goals. They should be able to answer what to do about stonewalling.

An initial proposal is a kind of unavoidable step though. You can’t really step out of the gate with a lawsuit.

OP here. I have no idea how an attorney would answer this given the person I am divorcing is a wild card right? Help me understand what you mean? I want to understand. Thanks.

I would say: “my ex is unpredictable and refused to engage in negotiations a year ago. what steps will you take to ensure the process moves forward?”

Thank you for helping me. You’re kind. I’m a typically bright person and this important matter makes me feel inept and foggy. I may be disassociating some. I have suffered a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation from the person I plan to divorce. And I’m getting glimpses at the residual damage done to me. Makes me sad and I must prevail.

[Anonymous]

Tell your attorney the truth always. Tell the court the truth always. I found the truth was what really sank my ex's case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your attorney the truth always. Tell the court the truth always. I found the truth was what really sank my ex's case.

Can you expound? That your ex told the truth sunk them or didn’t tell the truth sunk them?