Married to an indecisive person

[Anonymous]

I am very decisive at work but at home I don’t like making decisions because DH is very critical. To avoid fighting, I just act indecisive and let him make the decisions.

[Anonymous]

I’m indecisive. It’s anxiety for me.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I are both indecisive, they are worse than I am but still not much gets done. Then if I decide something they have something negative to say about it or use it against me at a later time. It's a no win situation. At this point I wish I had married someone who took charge as I'm exhausted by this whole sick dynamic. Spouse has no opinion on anything not ideas for anything doesn't know what they're going to do minute by minute never suggests anything its terrible. We don't do much at all but everything we do I suggest "lets go to the store" "lets go to the park" I'm over it. They don't even respond to me when I'm like "lets try and plan a trip." They freeze.

[Anonymous]

Another person that’s the indecisive one. I like to research everything. The good news is once I decide I am sure.

I liked the PP suggestion on buying into a decision making process. Also, long term it’s important that big decisions are owned by both people even if one did more of the legwork to present it. Also important to not have all of the legwork for every big decision fall on one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with "support her decisions when she makes them"!!!

As an indecisive person, it's gotten worse when my spouse tells me to choose and then I do and then they criticize my choice. So I ask if we can make certain specific decisions together. "No, it doesn't really matter to me."

But then I have to hear all the problems with my choice. One that they opted out of! It's paralyzing because I feel like I can't win and the next decision takes twice as long because I'm trying to please these amorphous unspoken expectations.

Either participate in the decision making or butt out.

What do you think made you this way?

Perfectionism, being hard on myself when I don't get things "right." I suppose anxiety is behind that since the pressure is internal. I can trace anxiety up my family tree. Plus growing up poor, so decisions involving spending money come with extra baggage, including guilt over spending money on things that aren't absolutely necessary and having had so many years where if I made a poor spending decision I would just be stuck with whatever I chose since there wasn't money for a second purchase. Like shoes, we had to buy them a little big with room to grow into them, and if I picked a pair that ended up being uncomfortable, I was just out of luck for the next year plus. I can imagine that with lots of money I would not have even thought twice about shoes. Without extra money, each decision was a big deal.

I’m the PP who asked. Thank you for answering. I also grew up with no money and if I buy something I like, I won’t wear it unless I have a second one. So I buy two of things I like so I can enjoy them. It’s insane. But if I have a dress I like, and I only have one, I won’t wear it because I don’t want to “ruin” it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with "support her decisions when she makes them"!!!

As an indecisive person, it's gotten worse when my spouse tells me to choose and then I do and then they criticize my choice. So I ask if we can make certain specific decisions together. "No, it doesn't really matter to me."

But then I have to hear all the problems with my choice. One that they opted out of! It's paralyzing because I feel like I can't win and the next decision takes twice as long because I'm trying to please these amorphous unspoken expectations.

Either participate in the decision making or butt out.

What do you think made you this way?

Perfectionism, being hard on myself when I don't get things "right." I suppose anxiety is behind that since the pressure is internal. I can trace anxiety up my family tree. Plus growing up poor, so decisions involving spending money come with extra baggage, including guilt over spending money on things that aren't absolutely necessary and having had so many years where if I made a poor spending decision I would just be stuck with whatever I chose since there wasn't money for a second purchase. Like shoes, we had to buy them a little big with room to grow into them, and if I picked a pair that ended up being uncomfortable, I was just out of luck for the next year plus. I can imagine that with lots of money I would not have even thought twice about shoes. Without extra money, each decision was a big deal.

I’m the PP who asked. Thank you for answering. I also grew up with no money and if I buy something I like, I won’t wear it unless I have a second one. So I buy two of things I like so I can enjoy them. It’s insane. But if I have a dress I like, and I only have one, I won’t wear it because I don’t want to “ruin” it.

You're welcome. I'm also guilty about not wearing my nicer clothes. We were taught that the second you get home you put on your "play clothes" to save your "nice" things (aka fewer holes and stains than everything else) for special occasions. I'm working on retraining myself that I'm allowed to wear something good, even if I'm just staying home.