s/o adult children, one with mental challenges

[Anonymous]

More important than money - the healthy child is not likely to want to be burdened with being a Guardian to the other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More important than money - the healthy child is not likely to want to be burdened with being a Guardian to the other

I think that’s largely been discussed through this whole thread. Of course, running out of money, especially when there may have been ways to have not done so, can create burdens for the other sibling as well as their family if there is one.

Again, I appreciate folks sharing their perspectives and experiences. Sharing with DH as we mull next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with intellectual disability, one with mental health issues and one who gives me no worries. I have done everything in terms of launching them. One will be fine. One is likely to be fine but will blow through every single cent. The third is going to need controls on everything. I’m not dividing equally because equal doesn’t put them in an equal place.

So what are the controls?

Also, do you mind sharing how you are dividing?

It's baked into me to divide equally - my mom's family handled that way and the siblings all had good relations till their deaths. My dad's much less so. His older sister, who always resented that her parents had two more children when she was eight, pried all that she could out of her mother's hands and more. This behavior did bond my father and his one year older sister, but a schism between them and the older sister.

I am the PP to this. I also have a brother who can’t care for himself. My dad died when we were young and my mom had very little. Another brother and I bought the troubled brother a house which he ultimately lost and now that brother takes care of the troubled brother - who is now in his 60s. It never got better. He’s a saint for doing that. I helped buy the house as my last foray before kids and there is a lot of anger toward me by the troubled brother for stepping back but I don’t care. For reasons that don’t matter I think a lot of my troubled brothers issues are of his own making.

As for my kids, I don’t view equal as always giving the same amount of money. My youngest who has no challenges is expensive and will be through college. My definition of equal is giving each of them what they need to be successful in life and so I am spending way more on her now than I did for her brothers. And in death I will give at least one other brothers more because equal means all of them being taken care of when they can’t or aren’t ready to do it themselves.

At this point today, equal means that my middle one is likely to need more of our estate to survive adulthood and my intellectually challenged one is going to need adulting assistance for far longer than most. The latter issue is time and periodic financial bailouts now (though we typically have him move back in with us and fix things himself) and the former is putting aside sufficient assets for my son to live on after we’re gone.

We’re in the process of revising again because our older two are doing better than anticipated. But for now there will have to be a trust and hopefully the youngest will continue to agree that she can handle that responsibility. For now they are really close but during past psychotic breaks the relationship suffered.

None of this is easy. I too appreciate the stories and have my own past experience. But as a parent and a family we are making the best decisions we can under difficult circumstances.

[Anonymous]

A good, Free resource is the Special Needs Alliance website which has information on Special Needs Trusts and a free newsletter. There is a detailed resource about serving as
Trustee. One can have a professional such as a bank trust officer or a lawyer serve for a fee as a cotrustee if the SNT is large enough. Or if a sibling is the Trustee, you can list Advisirs to the trust and also use funds for professional advice as needed.

In any kind of estate planning, remember you can always change the division if things change in the lives of your adult children.

There are community trusts managed by a group The Arc of NOVA is an example which is another way to go for some families. Having an adult child with mental illness can have a very different set of issues as one may think they can handle life and resent any assistance. Sometimes setting up a conservator ship for control of finances may be an option. Also there are limited guardianship.

If one has a developmental disability, one should get on the appropriate DD Waiting List .
And get an understanding of the Adult Child Benefit so you put in for it when you retire or should you go on disability. Waiver funded services with 24 hour support slots are few and far between until at least one parent is gone. And remember if your adult child or sibling has services set for housing, day support etc in MD, He/she can’t move to your state with the supports as a Waiver is not portable from state to state.

For some families another resource might be to understand how setting up an ABLE account
For the disabled adult might enable one to have resources up to $100,000 and still qualify for benefits with. Representative Payee handling the account.

Take time to find an experienced and trusted lawyer and perhaps one with specific experience say with ID/DD or Mental
Illness as issues can differ. We are there now,too, with a daughter with an ID and two
other married siblings in DC area. It is not easy but one thing is that we did get LTC insurance so that we would have options on care to lessen being a burden(more likely when only one parent remains.) Too bad there is not the option to consider a CCRC at that point — or really before the crisis point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good, Free resource is the Special Needs Alliance website which has information on Special Needs Trusts and a free newsletter. There is a detailed resource about serving as
Trustee. One can have a professional such as a bank trust officer or a lawyer serve for a fee as a cotrustee if the SNT is large enough. Or if a sibling is the Trustee, you can list Advisirs to the trust and also use funds for professional advice as needed.

In any kind of estate planning, remember you can always change the division if things change in the lives of your adult children.

There are community trusts managed by a group The Arc of NOVA is an example which is another way to go for some families. Having an adult child with mental illness can have a very different set of issues as one may think they can handle life and resent any assistance. Sometimes setting up a conservator ship for control of finances may be an option. Also there are limited guardianship.

If one has a developmental disability, one should get on the appropriate DD Waiting List .
And get an understanding of the Adult Child Benefit so you put in for it when you retire or should you go on disability. Waiver funded services with 24 hour support slots are few and far between until at least one parent is gone. And remember if your adult child or sibling has services set for housing, day support etc in MD, He/she can’t move to your state with the supports as a Waiver is not portable from state to state.

For some families another resource might be to understand how setting up an ABLE account
For the disabled adult might enable one to have resources up to $100,000 and still qualify for benefits with. Representative Payee handling the account.

Take time to find an experienced and trusted lawyer and perhaps one with specific experience say with ID/DD or Mental
Illness as issues can differ. We are there now,too, with a daughter with an ID and two
other married siblings in DC area. It is not easy but one thing is that we did get LTC insurance so that we would have options on care to lessen being a burden(more likely when only one parent remains.) Too bad there is not the option to consider a CCRC at that point — or really before the crisis point!

TY for sharing - will check out.

[Anonymous]

thanks to everyone who weighed in here. looking into the options, including the special needs trust. if anyone else has opinions/ideas, still welcome them. thx again.

[Anonymous]

Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

Got it on developmental disabilities, but there is no way DC will ever classify for that. I'm fairly versed in these spaces and confident it will not happen nor that DC would ever agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't there more services for people with mental challenges? I don't understand why we don't want to give these people help especially when they ask for it which often they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't there more services for people with mental challenges? I don't understand why we don't want to give these people help especially when they ask for it which often they don't.

It's a damn shame. How many end up incarcerated due to acts they committed when they are not of sound mind? And then they are not allowed access to their medication/therapy/psychiatry, which perpetuates the symptoms, perhaps permanently so. It's criminal.

[Anonymous]

Equal. Treat them both the same. My sibling and I will never speak again because of parents playing favorites and you assume the one sibling will give it to the other. My sibling took it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

Got it on developmental disabilities, but there is no way DC will ever classify for that. I'm fairly versed in these spaces and confident it will not happen nor that DC would ever agree to it.

They don't have to agree, but they may need it one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

Got it on developmental disabilities, but there is no way DC will ever classify for that. I'm fairly versed in these spaces and confident it will not happen nor that DC would ever agree to it.

They don't have to agree, but they may need it one day.

I get what you are saying yet it would crush our DC, so it’s a no-go zone at this point in time. Am looking into “special needs” trust and how can we do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Equal. Treat them both the same. My sibling and I will never speak again because of parents playing favorites and you assume the one sibling will give it to the other. My sibling took it all.

I am so sorry. How did this come to pass?